Still not enough for ya?

Have you been AWESOMED by this yet?

I swear, ruining Watchmen sure is a lot more fun than actually respecting the original source material.

On Apologies, Meaningful or Otherwise

(Yes, this is a response to RaceFail09. If you don't know what's going on with that, I humbly request that you not comment on this post. Or at least not until you've gotten yourself some edumacation first. There have been a lot of excellent summaries written, and poilass links them all here. rydra_wong is also tirelessly keeping track of all relevant links.)

We all know that "I'm sorry that you were offended" is a fauxpology. Or at least, anyone with a lick of common sense already understands that much.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you" is much, much better. By all counts.

But just saying "I'm sorry that I hurt you" and leaving it at that... isn't enough. Especially in an internet imbroglio on the scale of RaceFail09. As one of the more vile participants in this whole thing keeps repeatedly harping about, it's important to own your shit. Now, he likes to keep repeating that phrase without really owning it himself, so here, let me explain what owning your shit REALLY means:

I means that when you apologize for your shit, you state exactly what you did, and to whom, and then make your apology.

"I'm sorry that I hurt some people" isn't enough.

"I'm sorry that I lied to Avalon's Willow about agreeing with her criticism, I'm sorry that I didn't stop commenters on my blog from hurling racist insults at her, I'm sorry that I demanded that everyone drop the debate without realizing that walking away from racism is something that I can only afford to do because I'm white..."

Any one of those things would have been a truly meaningful apology. That's owning your shit. That's demonstrating that you understand what you did wrong and how you hurt other people. And that makes your apology sincere. Not only that, but it makes you courageous and admirable. Or it would. I'd better use the subjunctive, here.

Maybe it's just me, maybe my standards are too high, but just saying "I'm sorry that I hurt some people" - especially when said apologist has demonstrated multiple times that she's blinded by her own privilege, has some difficulty understanding just exactly what she did wrong, and furthermore, has confessed to previously making a fake apology to another blogger - it makes it hard for me to read a simple, vague statements like this as anything more than another fauxpology.

Bear says that she's sorry that she's "made a lot of mistakes in recent days." Well, what does that mean? Is she sorry that she lied to Willow, or is she sorry that she confessed to the lie? Does she even think that what she did is wrong? How can we know if she understands how she's hurting people, or if she's learned anything at all from this? How can we trust her apology when she won't even tell us what she's apologizing for?

I don't think that my standards here are too high. This has always been the way that I've approached apologies, online or offline. Heck, I remember a fight that I had with someone in middle school that ended with her saying "I'm sorry that I made you cry" and me being incredibly upset because she still refused to acknowledge what she'd done to make me cry in the first place. God, sixth grade camp was the worst week of my life. But that's ancient history now, and I don't want to think about it anymore.

I'm not writing this to kick Elizabeth Bear when she's down. I'm writing this because I really want to believe Bear's apology, I want to believe that she's a trustworthy ally, I want there to be one more good ally in F/SF fandom instead of one less. But I can't buy Bear's latest apology, and I think it's only fair for me to state why.

"I'm sorry that I hurt people" may be a real apology (as opposed to a fauxpology), but it isn't a meaningful apology.

Meaningful apologies are rare, because real apologies require owning your shit. Acknowledge what you did wrong and who you hurt: State it. Then apologize. Or else it looks to the rest of us like you've learned nothing.

Edited to add: Now this is what I'm talking about. Not to mention awesome. Bear - and the rest of us - should learn from queenofhell's example. She states exactly what she did wrong, explains why it was wrong, and then owns her shit. She doesn't just own her shit, she pwns her shit. That's brave, that's classy, and that's definitely what we need more of on the internet.

Edited again: Go here, read this. It's exactly what I was trying to say with this post, but stated far more eloquently.

I'll drink to that.

What's the opposite of trying to ruin Watchmen? Making it a thousand times MORE AWESOME:

Like so.

I'm still sad that I probably won't be able to see this movie in theaters, but at least we can all enjoy the tangential awesome of the internet having a party with the film.