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A brief review of "The Other Boleyn Girl"
Dear Hollywood:
You know you're sitting on a turkey of a puffy-sleeves-and-heaving-bosoms movie when...
1. The "erotic" scenes are so full of awkward do-not-wantness that the theater audience actually groans whenever somebody starts unlacing a corset;
2. Not even the fact that said sex scenes star Eric Bana and/or Scarlet Johansson can save them from illiciting said audience groans; and
3. You've created a movie ostensibly about the relationship between two sisters, that still manages to fail the Bechdel test. And it's two hours long.
Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE a good puffy-sleeves-and-heaving-bosoms movie. And yes, I knew going into the theater that the movie would end on a horrible downer, because, duh, Anne Boleyn. I was even prepared to squirm and cringe through the scene where she seduces her brother, because I knew from the beginning that that was going to happen. BUT. What I wasn't prepared for was how awkward and cringe-inducing all of the sex scenes would be, how utterly boring all of the supposedly deadly courtly intrigue and political maneuvering would be, and how much the script as a whole would reek of "this is some horny guy's fantasy of how two hot sisters interact."
But! Props to the costumers, though. The best part of the movie was all of the amazing Tudor-era costumes. Not just on the women, but on the men as well. I would happily sit through another two hours of nothing but Eric Bana wearing epic puffy sleeves and fantastic little feathered hats... But not if it comes bundled with more cringe-inducing "romance," uncomfortable sex scenes, and bizzaro Hollywood sexism. In that case, no thank you.
Seriously, Hollywood. How can you manage to make a scene that involves Eric Bana taking off his shirt seem soooooo unappetizing?
That's fail so epic that it's almost impressive.
Oh well. Got to see the Wolverine trailer. Gambit, MRWAR!
You know you're sitting on a turkey of a puffy-sleeves-and-heaving-bosoms movie when...
1. The "erotic" scenes are so full of awkward do-not-wantness that the theater audience actually groans whenever somebody starts unlacing a corset;
2. Not even the fact that said sex scenes star Eric Bana and/or Scarlet Johansson can save them from illiciting said audience groans; and
3. You've created a movie ostensibly about the relationship between two sisters, that still manages to fail the Bechdel test. And it's two hours long.
Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE a good puffy-sleeves-and-heaving-bosoms movie. And yes, I knew going into the theater that the movie would end on a horrible downer, because, duh, Anne Boleyn. I was even prepared to squirm and cringe through the scene where she seduces her brother, because I knew from the beginning that that was going to happen. BUT. What I wasn't prepared for was how awkward and cringe-inducing all of the sex scenes would be, how utterly boring all of the supposedly deadly courtly intrigue and political maneuvering would be, and how much the script as a whole would reek of "this is some horny guy's fantasy of how two hot sisters interact."
But! Props to the costumers, though. The best part of the movie was all of the amazing Tudor-era costumes. Not just on the women, but on the men as well. I would happily sit through another two hours of nothing but Eric Bana wearing epic puffy sleeves and fantastic little feathered hats... But not if it comes bundled with more cringe-inducing "romance," uncomfortable sex scenes, and bizzaro Hollywood sexism. In that case, no thank you.
Seriously, Hollywood. How can you manage to make a scene that involves Eric Bana taking off his shirt seem soooooo unappetizing?
That's fail so epic that it's almost impressive.
Oh well. Got to see the Wolverine trailer. Gambit, MRWAR!
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Please, please tell me they got the Cajun accent right. TwT
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It was kind of hard for me to hear, though, because we watched the trailer on Jason's mini-notebook before the movie began. The trailer didn't actually run with the film, but we (the group of gaijin who had taken over the theater) provided our own "trailers" before the show started.
We do that sometimes.
We're such gaijin.
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Any clue as to what role he'll play in the movie?
Good guy? Bad guy? Neutral?
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We do see him fighting Wolverine a little bit, but that doesn't mean anything. My guess is that they meet, fight, and then decide to team up for whatever reason. But that's just a wild guess. I dunno if Marvel would make a character as popular as Gambit a total villain, though. I mean, they have to be smart enough to understand that Gambit is popular because he's an antihero with a heart of gold.
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How is that even possible!? That has to be some special category of fail right there.
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Like, the only things that Mary and Anne ever spoke to each other apart were a) sex or b) specifically, sex with Henry the VIII. And some of the sex-talk was just WEIRD. Like, there's a scene in the beginning of the film where Anne makes Mary promise to tell her "every single detail" about her wedding night. And I was like WHOA, ew! There's a difference between "talking about sex in general" versus "describing, in detail, sex that I have actually done," and I personally would be comfortable discussing the former in some circumstances with some family members, but NEVER the latter in any circumstances with any family members, let alone my own sister.
I realize that not everybody feels that way. Maybe there are some women who are comfortable describing "sex that I had last night, in detail" with their siblings. But still. That was just a whole bucket of skeevy-male-fantasy eeeeeew to me. And that wasn't even the worst scene.
And then there's the fact that the entire rest of the movie is taken up with the sisters suddenly becoming catty, bitchy rivals... for no discernable reason. Because women are just like that, I guess. Anne and Mary went from Sister Sister to Dynasty in the space of fifteen minutes, and there's never any convincing logical or emotional explanation for the change between them. But hey kids, catfights! Everybody likes a good catfight in a corset, right?!
Other female characters - particularly the mother of the Boleyn girls, and Queen Catherine - had way more interesting scenes where they actually spoke about things other than sex with Henry VIII. But of course, they only spoke about these things to other men.
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And thank you for the movie review. I was afraid for a moment that I was going to have to see The Other Boleyn Girl, and now I know I can totally skip it. Just as I could have skipped Goya's Ghosts, on which I saw the preview for TOBG. I wish I could quit Natalie Portman, because while she is extremely talented in many respects, she also tends to do a lot of crap.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAAY ♥
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ZOMG ICON!!!!!