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Soul Eater Chapter 83: Paint it Black
So we start exactly where we left off, with Crona fighting Fuckhard and Tsar. Except that now Fuckhard is magically renamed Fyodor without any explanation. I C WUT U DID THAR, OHKUBO.
"My blood is red," Crona tells us. I'm going to assume that that's a typo. Either that or there are red kishin-eyes coming out of Crona's wrist, maybe?
"Let's go Fyodor," Tsar says. Because this dude's name is Fyodor now. Oh hey.
"Right," Fyodor says."Also, thanks for not calling me 'Fuckhard' anymore."
"Yeah, that was only funny when I didn't think that we were about to die."
So next we get four pages of COSSACK BEATDOWN while Crona just kind of bounces around and takes it, because SCIENCE that's why. Crona ends up face-down in the snow while Ragnarok makes surprisingly calm analytical commentary about the situation. "His fighting style is similar to Black Star's..." Actually, I thought Kid was the one who was all about kicking people in the face instead of punching them? Like that time that Kid kicked Crona in the face over and over and over again while spinning around as if he were dancing? Remember that? Back in chapter 14? "But his blows are lighter."
Meanwhile, Tsar is getting ready to, I don't know, throw his head at Crona again or something.
ON YOUR MARK
GET SET
RUSSIAN YELLING!!!!!!!!
"YYYYYPPPPPPPAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"
And Crona is all like, hey check it out mom, I can do a somersault!
Ragnarok seems oddly surprised by the fact that Crona can be beaten up by a Death Scythe when zie deliberately isn't fighting back. "The black blood is steaming! This is... ... ... ...!"
oh my god punctuation motherfucker UR DOIN IT WRONG
"Demon Cannonball Tsar Pushka," Medusa says. "He possesses the same anti-demon soul wavelength that Maka Albarn does." Which is why when he punches Crona with his head it causes Crona's blood to start steaming, I guess?
"Which is exactly why he was chosen as the target for this experiment," Medusa goes on, even though the stems of these word bubbles in the next panel are pointing at Crona. (Unless this is Ragnarok that's supposed to be speaking? I dunno but this is definitely not Crona's speech style so it's not Crona speaking in this panel.) "If he can be defeated, then that means that the black blood is finally perfected..."
Blood drips from Crona's wrist. "I'll dye him black," Crona says.
Meanwhile, in Death City! Soul feels a great disturbance in the Force! "What is this feeling...?It's as if the past six months of horrible chapters cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."
The black blood, Little Oni informs us readers with a grin.
"The scar that I got from Crona... is throbbing..."
Meanwhile, back in Moscow! "BLOODY LANCE!" Crona cackles.
Wow, that is some lance.
"FYODOR!"
"READY!!"
Oh, so that's how they fight together. Also, way to leave your crotch wide open to the gigantic lance pointed right at your balls, Fyodor.
Purification! Fyodor inexplicably think-bubbles as he smashes apart Crona's lance with his giant cannon ball.
Medusa isn't worried. "He uses his own fighting style to wield his Death Scythe's anti-demon wavelength... When they merge together they achieve perfect completion..." Also LOL at the fact that when Fyodor fights with Tsar apparently his body actually transforms the way that Kid's body does when he goes all Death Cannon with Liz and Patti. "Weapons and meisters certainly are most interesting subjects... However..."
"I must paint this white campus completely black..." Crona says.
So finally Fyodor has had enough of this bullshit and decides to launch himself straight at Crona, Superman-style. "ANTI-DEMON WAVELENGTH, FULL THROTTLE!"
"He's saturating his entire body with the anti-demon wavelength that he's absorbing from Tsar," Medusa helpfully explains to us readers, wielding the Captain Exposition hat for good instead of for evil. "With a blow from his own body he intends to completely erase both Crona and the black blood."
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WHAT'S WITH THIS WEIRD LIGHT?!" Crona screams at Fyodor. "YOU'RE GONNA TRY TO HIT ME WITH THIS WHITE LIGHT?! I'M ALL BLACK AND YOU'RE ATTACKING ME WITH WHITE LIGHT?!!! I'LL DEFILE YOUR DAMN PURITY!! I'LL DYE YOU BLACK, YOU BASTARD!! PITCH BLACK!!! I'LL SWALLOW UP EVERY LAST BIT OF YOUR DAMN LIGHT AND MAKE YOU COMPLETELY BLACK!!"
Crona's eyes suddenly go wide. That smile...
Then Crona grins. "Because I'm all black, the only thing that I can do is dye everybody else black too... Jet black."
"Fyodor, watch out!" Tsar warns.
But it's too late.
INSANE BLOOD, a two-page spread informs us.
My blood is black, Crona repeats again.
Meanwhile, in Nevada! "Soul, are you okay?" Maka asks. And then the phone rings.
Maka answers the phone. "Eater and Albarn residence... Yes... Yes... WHAT?! Crona in Moscow...?! Yes... We'll be there as soon as possible..."
Back in Moscow! Cannon Fodder Dude Number One salutes two more Cannon Fodder Dudes. "Professor Stein and four Spartoi members have arrived from Shibusen," he reports.
"Bring them here..."
Stein, Kim, Jackie, Maka, and Soul are bundled up and waiting outside. In an INCREDIBLY SUBTLE bit of symbolism, Soul is the only one dressed entirely in black. So these children are Shibusen's elite squad..., one of the Moscow soldiers think-bubbles. Well, them and ten others, but I guess that Kid and Black Star couldn't come on this mission because they're busy celebrating their new bromance by staying at home and making out, and as for Ox and Kirikou, well, they both respectively maxed out their Secondary Character Screen Time Allowance during the previous story arc, so they have to stay out of the next few chapters.
"In here?" Stein says, facing a gigantic door. Obviously yes?
"Both Tsar and Fyodor are inside..." Moscow Dude says, looking seriously bummed. As he should be, considering what we're about to see in a few pages.
"The two who were sent to retrieve them also were struck down by insanity..."
"Kim, see if you can do something for them," Stein orders.
"Roger."
That girl is the witch Kim Diehl... She's... She's cute... Dude she's also like THIRTEEN YEARS OLD Jesus Skateboarding Christ.
"I'm going to attempt to treat these men with my healing magic, free of charge," Kim says. Oh so generously. "I should be able to cure an infection of this level. I think."
"Maka... Soul," Stein says. Bad ellipses, professor. Very bad ellipses right there. "Are you going to enter?"
Maka answers with an epic MAKA GLARE.
"Apologies, but I'm going to have to ask you to let me stay outside," Stein says. "I can feel it even from out here."
"Insanity..." Maka says.
"Are you two all right?" Stein asks the two Moscow Dudes, who seem perfectly fine standing right outside the HOLY SHIT INSANITY zone.
"Yes..." Moscow Dude answers. "We both have anti-demon wavelengths, although ours are very weak. But it is enough to protect us from this."
OH HEY MAKA ALBARN NOT SO VERY SPECIAL ANYMORE NOW, ARE WE?
What does like everybody in Russia have anti-demon wavelengths? Is it something in the drinking water?
Meanwhile, Soul looks sweaty and exhausted and very much NOT like he should be about to walk right into an extremely dangerous mission. But Maka already put on her MAKA GLARE a full page ago so there's no turning back now. Maka holds out her hand. "Soul... Resonate with me."
In any other context, that would be a hilarious come-on.
Maka and Soul hold hands. "I'm opening it," Second Moscow Dude says.
And PHWOOM! A dramatic burst of scratchy special effects comes pouring out of the door! "What an incredibly strong insanity wavelength..." Maka comments. An insanity wavelength apparently strong enough to make her hair and scarf blow around, which is really impressive I guess.
When the special effects clear, Maka gasps at what she sees. "What? What the...?"
"These balls are a Death Scythe and his meister..." Soul says.
Little Oni snaps his fingers and grins. "Hee hee you said 'balls'. These balls are made of black blood... Hee hee hee hee!"
Maka tears up. "Crona... Why..."
Ooooh, oooh, I know why!
BECAUSE CLOWN, THAT'S WHY.
"So these black balls are the source of the insanity wavelength?" Soul asks.
"I can see two living souls..." Maka says. "There are definitely two humans still alive and trapped inside those things..."
"They were defeated?" Soul asks as he transforms into a scythe.
Uh
Yes
Yes, yes they were.
No actually I'm sure that Fyodor and Tsar just decided to curl up inside gigantic balls made of insanity-radiating black blood for kinky fun times I mean wait NO SHIT SHERFUCKINGLOCK no duh they were defeated by Crona! Either Soul's fever is seriously starting to melt his brain or Ohkubo is just running out of intelligent dialogue to sprinkle in between all of the ellipses that he likes to fill Soul's word bubbles with.
Now this does bring up the interesting question of why Crona didn't kill either Fyodor or Tsar. But then again neither Medusa, nor Crona, nor Ragnarok ever said that they intended to kill any Death Scythes. Not even in chapter 82 did they say anything of the sort. In fact, in chapter 82 Crona only said that zie wanted to destroy a Death Scythe, not kill one. In retrospect that line is even creepier now than it was a month ago.
Anywhoo, Maka is now swinging Soul around and looking determined, as usual. "We have no choice but to try. DEMON HUNTER!!"
CRONA, YOU IDIOT!! Maka think-bubbles as she swings Soul toward the black balls.
Meanwhile, outside the Gate of Doom, Kim is doing her best nurse angel impression. "Welcome back," Kim says to a healed soldier with a cloyingly sweet smile.
"Uh... I... What happened?"
Jackie suddenly inserts herself between Kim and the pedophile-googly-eyed soldier. "I'll undo your restraints now," she says. Then she turns to Kim and says with a glare, "Will you cut it out with the charming act? It's only going to cause us trouble."
"Aw, come on," Kim protests. I'm guessing that now that she's out of the closet as a witch, Kim is probably happy to have people falling in love with her because of her awesome witchy powers, instead of reviling her for it? Then again maybe flirting with adult men is not the best way to revel in her new awesomeness.
Kim turns to Stein. "Maka and Soul aren't back yet...?"
"They've only been inside for a short while... As I suspected, this isn't going to be easy for them..."
Suddenly the doors crack open.
"They're back..." Kim says.
And okay, okay, I know that the next page is supposed to be a creepy setup for IMPENDING DOOM, but I laughed so hard at the image of Maka and Soul walking out of that door while Soul is pulling on Maka's pigtail like an akward third grader who doesn't know how to say that he liiiiiiikes her. "My chest scar... Is throbbing..." Soul gasps.
"As soon as Soul touched the black sphere he..." Maka tries to explain to the others, although apparently having her hair pulled is impairing her ability to finish her sentence.
Soul finally lets go of Maka's pigtail.
"What the hell, Soul?!" Kim shouts.
Little Oni is chewing on his own fingertips and giggling. Wait, where did Soul's awesomely manly headband go?
Aaaaaand then the chapter ends with Soul screaming and popping a giant eyeball-blade out of his chest. And a thousand fans send out a great cheer because finally Soul Eater is back on track with the story and the character development the way that it's SUPPOSED to be going, thank fucking God!
Never has a boy being sliced in half by his own chest scar been this awesome.
Granted, this really doesn't make up for the fact that we're still recovering from six straight months of complete shit chapters and a story arc that went absolutely nowhere. Kid apparently is never going to get any sort of reunion scene with anybody, and Eruka is apparently not important enough for us to find out what happened to her after the Spartoi returned. Admittedly, however, the lack of any sort of conclusion whatsoever to the Kid Rescue arc actually makes me kind of suspect that maybe Ohkubo himself is busy pretending like it never happened. Why bother tying up any loose ends (as I will point out we got an entire chapter devoted to at the end of the Baba Yaga arc) when it's better to just pretend like none of that ever happened in the first place?
I, for one, am totally down with this plan. Ohkubo, if you want to pretend like the last six months of Soul Eater were all nothing more than one of Black Star's erotic daydreams, then I can fully support that notion.
I fear that we will have to jump back to Nu!Noah and the Index's Story Arc of Insufferable Stupidity eventually, but for now I would much rather enjoy this welcome return to the Soul Eater that I know and love.
Ohkubo, I am raising my glass of rum and coke to you right now. I know that you probably can't see it but I am raising my glass as hard as I can.
In other news, the next issue of GanGan is going to come bundled with an original Soul Eater drama CD. Yays!
"My blood is red," Crona tells us. I'm going to assume that that's a typo. Either that or there are red kishin-eyes coming out of Crona's wrist, maybe?
"Let's go Fyodor," Tsar says. Because this dude's name is Fyodor now. Oh hey.
"Right," Fyodor says.
So next we get four pages of COSSACK BEATDOWN while Crona just kind of bounces around and takes it, because SCIENCE that's why. Crona ends up face-down in the snow while Ragnarok makes surprisingly calm analytical commentary about the situation. "His fighting style is similar to Black Star's..." Actually, I thought Kid was the one who was all about kicking people in the face instead of punching them? Like that time that Kid kicked Crona in the face over and over and over again while spinning around as if he were dancing? Remember that? Back in chapter 14? "But his blows are lighter."
Meanwhile, Tsar is getting ready to, I don't know, throw his head at Crona again or something.
ON YOUR MARK
GET SET
RUSSIAN YELLING!!!!!!!!
"YYYYYPPPPPPPAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"
And Crona is all like, hey check it out mom, I can do a somersault!
Ragnarok seems oddly surprised by the fact that Crona can be beaten up by a Death Scythe when zie deliberately isn't fighting back. "The black blood is steaming! This is... ... ... ...!"
oh my god punctuation motherfucker UR DOIN IT WRONG
"Demon Cannonball Tsar Pushka," Medusa says. "He possesses the same anti-demon soul wavelength that Maka Albarn does." Which is why when he punches Crona with his head it causes Crona's blood to start steaming, I guess?
"Which is exactly why he was chosen as the target for this experiment," Medusa goes on, even though the stems of these word bubbles in the next panel are pointing at Crona. (Unless this is Ragnarok that's supposed to be speaking? I dunno but this is definitely not Crona's speech style so it's not Crona speaking in this panel.) "If he can be defeated, then that means that the black blood is finally perfected..."
Blood drips from Crona's wrist. "I'll dye him black," Crona says.
Meanwhile, in Death City! Soul feels a great disturbance in the Force! "What is this feeling...?
The black blood, Little Oni informs us readers with a grin.
"The scar that I got from Crona... is throbbing..."
Meanwhile, back in Moscow! "BLOODY LANCE!" Crona cackles.
Wow, that is some lance.
"FYODOR!"
"READY!!"
Oh, so that's how they fight together. Also, way to leave your crotch wide open to the gigantic lance pointed right at your balls, Fyodor.
Purification! Fyodor inexplicably think-bubbles as he smashes apart Crona's lance with his giant cannon ball.
Medusa isn't worried. "He uses his own fighting style to wield his Death Scythe's anti-demon wavelength... When they merge together they achieve perfect completion..." Also LOL at the fact that when Fyodor fights with Tsar apparently his body actually transforms the way that Kid's body does when he goes all Death Cannon with Liz and Patti. "Weapons and meisters certainly are most interesting subjects... However..."
"I must paint this white campus completely black..." Crona says.
So finally Fyodor has had enough of this bullshit and decides to launch himself straight at Crona, Superman-style. "ANTI-DEMON WAVELENGTH, FULL THROTTLE!"
"He's saturating his entire body with the anti-demon wavelength that he's absorbing from Tsar," Medusa helpfully explains to us readers, wielding the Captain Exposition hat for good instead of for evil. "With a blow from his own body he intends to completely erase both Crona and the black blood."
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WHAT'S WITH THIS WEIRD LIGHT?!" Crona screams at Fyodor. "YOU'RE GONNA TRY TO HIT ME WITH THIS WHITE LIGHT?! I'M ALL BLACK AND YOU'RE ATTACKING ME WITH WHITE LIGHT?!!! I'LL DEFILE YOUR DAMN PURITY!! I'LL DYE YOU BLACK, YOU BASTARD!! PITCH BLACK!!! I'LL SWALLOW UP EVERY LAST BIT OF YOUR DAMN LIGHT AND MAKE YOU COMPLETELY BLACK!!"
Crona's eyes suddenly go wide. That smile...
Then Crona grins. "Because I'm all black, the only thing that I can do is dye everybody else black too... Jet black."
"Fyodor, watch out!" Tsar warns.
But it's too late.
INSANE BLOOD, a two-page spread informs us.
My blood is black, Crona repeats again.
Meanwhile, in Nevada! "Soul, are you okay?" Maka asks. And then the phone rings.
Maka answers the phone. "Eater and Albarn residence... Yes... Yes... WHAT?! Crona in Moscow...?! Yes... We'll be there as soon as possible..."
Back in Moscow! Cannon Fodder Dude Number One salutes two more Cannon Fodder Dudes. "Professor Stein and four Spartoi members have arrived from Shibusen," he reports.
"Bring them here..."
Stein, Kim, Jackie, Maka, and Soul are bundled up and waiting outside. In an INCREDIBLY SUBTLE bit of symbolism, Soul is the only one dressed entirely in black. So these children are Shibusen's elite squad..., one of the Moscow soldiers think-bubbles. Well, them and ten others, but I guess that Kid and Black Star couldn't come on this mission because they're busy celebrating their new bromance by staying at home and making out, and as for Ox and Kirikou, well, they both respectively maxed out their Secondary Character Screen Time Allowance during the previous story arc, so they have to stay out of the next few chapters.
"In here?" Stein says, facing a gigantic door. Obviously yes?
"Both Tsar and Fyodor are inside..." Moscow Dude says, looking seriously bummed. As he should be, considering what we're about to see in a few pages.
"The two who were sent to retrieve them also were struck down by insanity..."
"Kim, see if you can do something for them," Stein orders.
"Roger."
That girl is the witch Kim Diehl... She's... She's cute... Dude she's also like THIRTEEN YEARS OLD Jesus Skateboarding Christ.
"I'm going to attempt to treat these men with my healing magic, free of charge," Kim says. Oh so generously. "I should be able to cure an infection of this level. I think."
"Maka... Soul," Stein says. Bad ellipses, professor. Very bad ellipses right there. "Are you going to enter?"
Maka answers with an epic MAKA GLARE.
"Apologies, but I'm going to have to ask you to let me stay outside," Stein says. "I can feel it even from out here."
"Insanity..." Maka says.
"Are you two all right?" Stein asks the two Moscow Dudes, who seem perfectly fine standing right outside the HOLY SHIT INSANITY zone.
"Yes..." Moscow Dude answers. "We both have anti-demon wavelengths, although ours are very weak. But it is enough to protect us from this."
OH HEY MAKA ALBARN NOT SO VERY SPECIAL ANYMORE NOW, ARE WE?
What does like everybody in Russia have anti-demon wavelengths? Is it something in the drinking water?
Meanwhile, Soul looks sweaty and exhausted and very much NOT like he should be about to walk right into an extremely dangerous mission. But Maka already put on her MAKA GLARE a full page ago so there's no turning back now. Maka holds out her hand. "Soul... Resonate with me."
In any other context, that would be a hilarious come-on.
Maka and Soul hold hands. "I'm opening it," Second Moscow Dude says.
And PHWOOM! A dramatic burst of scratchy special effects comes pouring out of the door! "What an incredibly strong insanity wavelength..." Maka comments. An insanity wavelength apparently strong enough to make her hair and scarf blow around, which is really impressive I guess.
When the special effects clear, Maka gasps at what she sees. "What? What the...?"
"These balls are a Death Scythe and his meister..." Soul says.
Little Oni snaps his fingers and grins. "
Maka tears up. "Crona... Why..."
Ooooh, oooh, I know why!
"So these black balls are the source of the insanity wavelength?" Soul asks.
"I can see two living souls..." Maka says. "There are definitely two humans still alive and trapped inside those things..."
"They were defeated?" Soul asks as he transforms into a scythe.
Uh
Yes
Yes, yes they were.
No actually I'm sure that Fyodor and Tsar just decided to curl up inside gigantic balls made of insanity-radiating black blood for kinky fun times I mean wait NO SHIT SHERFUCKINGLOCK no duh they were defeated by Crona! Either Soul's fever is seriously starting to melt his brain or Ohkubo is just running out of intelligent dialogue to sprinkle in between all of the ellipses that he likes to fill Soul's word bubbles with.
Now this does bring up the interesting question of why Crona didn't kill either Fyodor or Tsar. But then again neither Medusa, nor Crona, nor Ragnarok ever said that they intended to kill any Death Scythes. Not even in chapter 82 did they say anything of the sort. In fact, in chapter 82 Crona only said that zie wanted to destroy a Death Scythe, not kill one. In retrospect that line is even creepier now than it was a month ago.
Anywhoo, Maka is now swinging Soul around and looking determined, as usual. "We have no choice but to try. DEMON HUNTER!!"
CRONA, YOU IDIOT!! Maka think-bubbles as she swings Soul toward the black balls.
Meanwhile, outside the Gate of Doom, Kim is doing her best nurse angel impression. "Welcome back," Kim says to a healed soldier with a cloyingly sweet smile.
"Uh... I... What happened?"
Jackie suddenly inserts herself between Kim and the pedophile-googly-eyed soldier. "I'll undo your restraints now," she says. Then she turns to Kim and says with a glare, "Will you cut it out with the charming act? It's only going to cause us trouble."
"Aw, come on," Kim protests. I'm guessing that now that she's out of the closet as a witch, Kim is probably happy to have people falling in love with her because of her awesome witchy powers, instead of reviling her for it? Then again maybe flirting with adult men is not the best way to revel in her new awesomeness.
Kim turns to Stein. "Maka and Soul aren't back yet...?"
"They've only been inside for a short while... As I suspected, this isn't going to be easy for them..."
Suddenly the doors crack open.
"They're back..." Kim says.
And okay, okay, I know that the next page is supposed to be a creepy setup for IMPENDING DOOM, but I laughed so hard at the image of Maka and Soul walking out of that door while Soul is pulling on Maka's pigtail like an akward third grader who doesn't know how to say that he liiiiiiikes her. "My chest scar... Is throbbing..." Soul gasps.
"As soon as Soul touched the black sphere he..." Maka tries to explain to the others, although apparently having her hair pulled is impairing her ability to finish her sentence.
Soul finally lets go of Maka's pigtail.
"What the hell, Soul?!" Kim shouts.
Little Oni is chewing on his own fingertips and giggling. Wait, where did Soul's awesomely manly headband go?
Aaaaaand then the chapter ends with Soul screaming and popping a giant eyeball-blade out of his chest. And a thousand fans send out a great cheer because finally Soul Eater is back on track with the story and the character development the way that it's SUPPOSED to be going, thank fucking God!
Never has a boy being sliced in half by his own chest scar been this awesome.
Granted, this really doesn't make up for the fact that we're still recovering from six straight months of complete shit chapters and a story arc that went absolutely nowhere. Kid apparently is never going to get any sort of reunion scene with anybody, and Eruka is apparently not important enough for us to find out what happened to her after the Spartoi returned. Admittedly, however, the lack of any sort of conclusion whatsoever to the Kid Rescue arc actually makes me kind of suspect that maybe Ohkubo himself is busy pretending like it never happened. Why bother tying up any loose ends (as I will point out we got an entire chapter devoted to at the end of the Baba Yaga arc) when it's better to just pretend like none of that ever happened in the first place?
I, for one, am totally down with this plan. Ohkubo, if you want to pretend like the last six months of Soul Eater were all nothing more than one of Black Star's erotic daydreams, then I can fully support that notion.
I fear that we will have to jump back to Nu!Noah and the Index's Story Arc of Insufferable Stupidity eventually, but for now I would much rather enjoy this welcome return to the Soul Eater that I know and love.
Ohkubo, I am raising my glass of rum and coke to you right now. I know that you probably can't see it but I am raising my glass as hard as I can.
In other news, the next issue of GanGan is going to come bundled with an original Soul Eater drama CD. Yays!
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