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Soul Eater Chapter 74: I just say the word, oh, Su-Su-Sussudio!
Marie wasn't able to appear in this month's chapter because she was busy appearing in a cameo scene in Iron Man 2. (Did y'all see that part?!)
Anywhoo. Four more circles of hell + confirmation of the final Great Old One + Phil Collins. Of course.
Let's go.
Since another translation of chapter 74 has been available for a while now, and since I assume that y'all have seen it by now, I'm going to take this opportunity to do a little something different this month. I'm just going to go ahead and replace all of Excalibur's dialogue with dialogue from another famous fictional blowhard and see if the chapter still makes sense, all right?
Okay, so I've got three DVDs in front of me, and a finger highly capable of performing a discriminating round of eenie-meenie-miney-moe. So, who's it going to be? Eenie-meenie-miney-moe, catch a T-Rex by the toe, if he has a mental and emotional breakdown let him go, eenie-meenie-miney...
Moe.
Christian Bale from American Psycho it is, then.
(For the record, the other possible choices for this little experiment were Garrison Keillor from the Prairie Home Companion movie and The Motherfucking Narrator from the trippy film version of Finnegans Wake. But the finger hath chosen Christian Bale, and the finger hath spoken.)
So! Our chapter opens with Maka stuck in the third chapter/circle of Eibon's Inferno, facing down Envy. Or rather, facing down a version of the Stalker Girl that Hell seems to have conjured from her imagination. Also, Hell looks an awful lot like Shibusen. Also, the chapter actually opens with a random shot of some lockers in a hallway, then an inexplicable panel of Index's face. For some reason this makes me think that Index is hiding in one of those lockers and watching all of this unfold like the voyeuristic little creeper that he is.
"You may be the technician who turned Soul-sempai into a Death Scythe," the girl tells Maka, "but that still doesn't make you fit to be his partner."
"Are you shittin' me?!" Maka responds. Which, you know, I kind of have to agree with. Yeah, uh, the stalker girl's logic here makes a whole lot of no sense at all.
But the girl presses on. "See? Your crude mannerisms are exactly the type of thing that I'm talking about... Is there anything at all about you that makes you a good match for Soul-sempai?"
Maka chews on some ellipses and glares at the girl.
"The thing is..." the little girl says, "I know the truth. The only reason that Maka-san was able to come this far is all because of Soul-sempai..." She opens a broom cabinet and pulls out, appropriately, a broom. "Try spinning this broom."
Maka doesn't look angry anymore. She looks nervous. Nevertheless, she grabs the broom from the girl, hesitates for a panel, then slowly spins the broom around in a full circle.
"Faster," the girl demands.
Maka tries to spin faster, but loses her grip. The broom goes flying out of her hands and clatters to the ground.
"How can you call yourself a scythe technician when you can't even do a basic spinning move?" the girl mocks Maka. "The thought of someone like that being a Death Scythe's technician makes me want to laugh. How on earth were you ever able to fight like that...?"
Maka reaches down to pick up the broom. Flashback time. Maka, in her original uniform, is nervously holding Soul in his scythe form. "What... What should I do next?"
"All you gotta do is move your arms in the direction that you want to swing the blade, and don't grip too hard with your hands, all right?" Soul says. "I'm gonna take the lead."
"And even when you tried to dance with him..." the girl adds.
Flashback to the Black Room. "You lead," Maka tells Soul.
"You're always completely relying on Soul-sempai," the girl says. "It's like you don't understand Soul-sempai at all... You don't understand anything at all about music, do you?"
Maka finally finds her spine again. "That's not true!!" she snaps at the girl. "I... I want to understand Soul, so I worked really hard reading and studying a whole lot of books about music!!"
"Because you can't understand music just by listening to it?" the girl asks.
Maka instantly deflates. Another flashback. Maka is listening to Soul and Liz talk to each other. "Are you serious?!" Soul exclaims. "You've seen him perform live?!"
"Mmm-hmm, I have!" Liz says. "I'm from New York, so I've been to a lot of jazz clubs and stuff."
"No way! You're so lucky---"
The flashback moves to Maka and Soul's apartment. "Maka!!" Soul has this hilariously doofy grin on his face. "Look! This is the record that Liz and I were talking about today..." He's holding up a copy of Bitches Brew by Miles Davis.
So, uh. In the real world, Miles Davis died in 1991. So I guess that means that in the Ohkuboverse, Miles Davis has officially become the newest member of the League of Famous Historical Figures Who Should Not Be Alive in Maka's Milieu But Who Are Anyway, joining the proud ranks of Jack the Ripper, Al Capone, and Rasputin.
Maka makes with the ellipses again. "I..." She turns away from Soul. "I hate jazz!! I mean, there aren't any books about jazz in the library."
Really?
Shibusen's library has a copy of the Book of Eibon, but they don't have any books about jazz music? Really?!
"I'm sure that in a few years there'll be some books about jazz in the library, right?" Soul says.
"Just listen to it at a low volume, okay?" Maka tells Soul. "I have to study."
"What is with you...?" Soul snaps. "You have to actually listen to music if you want to understand it, you know!"
Maka speaks in ellipses as she think-bubbles, He might say that, but... "Even when I listen... I still don't understand..."
"You're not just jealous of Liz, you're jealous of music itself," the girl taunts Maka. "You're such an idiot!"
Suddenly... ZOMBIES!! "You're a pathetic technician who can't even spin a mop," the zombie girls taunt Maka as they surround her. "There are plenty of girls who could replace you. You're even weaker than a weapon like Patti... You're just a bookworm drudge who has no life outside of studying... You completely rely on the men that you trick into supporting you... You're a cowardly woman..."
"Look," the Stalker Girl says, as love letters start falling from apparently nowhere. "All of these other girls desire to be Soul-sempai's partner. Shouldn't you hurry up and start practicing how to spin that broom properly, before he dumps you?"
Maka spins the broom fast, slicing through the air.
"Still too slow," the girl says. "You can't even use the broom for regular cleaning like that."
Panel: Broom falls to ground.
Panel: Tears fall to ground.
Panel: Zombies grinning.
"And now look at you, you're making a mess all over the floor!" the girl says. "You're beyond hopeless."
Maka slumps down to the floor, wide-eyed and crying.
Panel: Maka alone, no more zombies.
Panel: A shadow looming over Maka.
Panel: Soul. He doesn't look too happy.
Maka looks up at him. "Soul?"
"Are you alone?" Soul asks. "It looks like we got separated from everybody else." He watches Maka wiping her tears on her sleeve. "Maka, did something happen to you, too...?"
"Eh? Like what?" Maka smiles cheerfully at him. "Are you saying that something happened to you?"
"N... Nah. Nothing happened," Soul says. Which of course means that something did happen. Cue flashback.
The flashback starts with applause! "Wonderful!" somebody says. "Well, that's only to be expected from a son of the Evans family," somebody else adds.
"He really is every bit as talented as his older brother Wes, isn't he?" a woman comments.
Soul walks through a crowd, listening to them agree with the woman. "It's so true---!!" they exclaim. But somebody in this crowd surely must have noticed by now... Soul think-bubbles. No... Nobody among them can hear the difference... But a person who really knows music would be able to understand right away... I'm nothing like Wes.
"So is that why you chose that girl?" Wes asks.
"THAT'S NOT TRUE!!" Soul snarls at him. Back in the present, Soul continues think-bubbling. That's not the reason... Maka isn't... He holds out his hand to Maka. "Let's go. We're done reading this chapter, aren't we...? We can't let ourselves get separated again."
"Right." Maka takes his hand. In the background, we can see that the page to the next chapter is already turning, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense because Index isn't with them and I thought that only Index could do that... Oh well. I guess that now Maka and Soul can use the power of their Hand-Holding Sparkly Twu Wuv OTP-ness to bend the Book of Eibon to their will.
How convenient.
CAPTION: AT THE SAME TIME, THE OTHER PARTY...
"OH MY GOD I AM SO FREAKIN' HUNGRY!!" Somebody kvetches. "AND IT'S STARTING TO REALLY PISS ME OFF!!"
"GOD FREAKIN' DAMMIT!!" Kirikou shouts. "I'M ANGRY BECAUSE I'M HUNGRY!!" So like a three-year-old throwing a temper tantrum, then.
"FOR FUCK'S SAKE STOP MAKING FUCKING AWFUL PUNS FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUCK!!" Black Star snarls at him. "KIRIKOU I AM SOOOOOO GONNA KILL YOU I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD!!"
Aaaaaaaand Ohkubo has officially reached an all-new low in the punning department. Low, low, low. "Hungry" (ha-n-gu-rii) and "angry" (a-n-gu-rii) are indeed pun fodder in Japanese. Hangurii de angurii = "angry because hungry," meaning that because the word for angry is a PART OF the word for hungry, then one feels anger because one feels hunger. But even by Japanese standards this is weaksauce punning.
Yes, that is officially even worse than Index's takonimo. Far, far worse.
Black Star's reaction is somewhat understandable in the face of this godawful affront to the art of punning, I do believe.
"YOU CAN'T KILL SOMEONE OVER A FREAKIN' PUN!!" Kirikou shouts.
"NOW YOU'RE REALLY ASKING FOR IT!! GO AHEAD AND MAKE ME TRY!!" Black Star snaps back.
"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!" Patti shouts at them both. "NEITHER OF YOU HAS THE BALLS TO GO THROUGH WITH IT SO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!"
"What in the world is going on in this chapter...?" Tsubaki asks Index.
"Takonimo. Indeed. Is it not obvious?" Index answers.
CHAPTER FOUR: WRATH.
"HEY!!" Liz shouts. "How come me and Tsubaki are the only ones who are still stuck as dudes?!"
"SHUT UP, YOU PERVY OLD HAG!!" Black Star, Kirikou, and Patti shout in unison.
"OLD HAG?!?! I'M ONLY TWO OR THREE YEARS OLDER THAN ALL OF YOU!!" Liz snaps back.
"DON'T GET ALL FREAKIN' HYSTERICAL!!" one of the three (presumably) shouts back at Liz. "OH MY GOOOOOOD WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE BLOND ONES WHO ARE SO--?!"
Ignoring all of this, Tsubaki starts shouting at Index. "Index-san!! What is the meaning of this?! Please return my body back to normal immediately!!"
"SHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!" Black Star and Patti scream at a noisy geyser.
Kirikou looks around at all of the lava. "The world inside this chapter has red color everywhere!!" he observes. "Just looking at it is making me feel pissed off..."
"That would be because red is the color that most aggravates humans," Index explains.
"OH MY FUCKING GOOOOOOOOD I'M SO FUCKING PISSED OFF!!" Black Star shouts.
"PIIIIIIIIIISSED OOOOOOOOOFF!!" Patti adds.
"SO JUST CALM DOWN FOR A MINUTE ALREADY!!" Tsubaki finally snaps at them both.
Black Star takes a deep breath. He's back. He looks around and says, "Okay, so... Hey, pervy lady. We had to deal with that pig in the last chapter, so that means that there's gonna be something else waiting in this chapter, right? Also, uh, where did Soul and Maka go? Look, I'm not really seeing anything pig-like around here, but..."
Cane taps rock.
"You've arrived! How lovely. Let me take your coats. How good of you to come!"
"NO FUCKING WAY!!!"
And then, immediately recovering from his sanity-shattering shock, Black Star starts laughing. "HA HA HA HA!! It's the freakin' Holy Sword!! What a freakin' idiot!! Did you get yourself sucked up inside this book too?!"
Black Star is right. It really does take some spectacular idiocy for one to end up trapped inside Noah's failbook of fail. Case in point: Kid.
But Excalibur will have none of Black Star's mockery! "I have a lunch meeting with Cliff Huxtable at the Four Seasons in twenty minutes. Did you know that Ted Bundy's first dog, a collie, was named Lassie? Have you heard this?"
Black Star stares at Excalibur. "Uh, whut?"
"I live in the American Gardens Building on West 81st Street on the 11th floor. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion."
"SO YOU WERE CAPTURED!!" Black Star gets a look of disgust on his face. "Ugh, you're so obnoxious... Just blah blah blah over and ove--"
And then Excalibur's word bubble actually takes over Black Star's word bubble. "There are a lot more important problems than Sri Lanka to worry about! We have to end apartheid, for one! And slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism, and world hunger. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights, while also promoting equal rights for women! We have to encourage a return to traditional moral values! Most importantly, we have to promote general social concern, and less materialism, in young people! You know, you should take some more lithium, or have a Diet Coke. Some caffeine might get you out of this slump."
"WHY THE HELL WOULD WE WANT TO--"
"You've got a negative attitude!" Excalibur interrupts again. "That's what's stopping you. You've got to get your act together! I'll help you! Be a doll and just get me a mineral water, okay?"
"Hey, you," Liz says. "You should at least listen when other people are talking, all right?"
"Elizabeth, it's three in the morning! Not quite blond, are you? More dirty blond. I'm going to call you 'Sabrina'."
"AAAAARRRRRRGH! FOR FUCK'S SAKE!! TALKING TO THIS THING ISN'T GETTING US ANYWHERE!!" Liz snaps. "I'M SO PISSED OFF I COULD FREAKIN' EXPLODE!!"
"Takonimo. Indeed," Index comments. He begins to chant so as to turn the page to a new chapter, but--
Suddenly, Excalibur!! "Listen, the mud soup and charcoal arugula are outrageous here. Oh, I see they've omittted the pork loin with lime jello. I like to dissect girls. Did you know that I'm utterly insane?"
"GET OUT OF OUR FREAKIN' WAY!!" Liz explodes.
"Listen, you're dating Luis and he's in Arizona and you're fucking me and we haven't made plans, so what could you possibly be up to tonight?" Excalibur hops around, refusing to shut up. "Pumpkin, you're dating an asshole. Pumpkin, you're dating the biggest dickweed in New York. Pumpkin, you're dating a tumbling, tumbling dickweed. He was probably a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine. That whole Yale thing."
"OH MY GOD IF YOU WOULD JUST SHUT UP FOR FIVE FREAKIN' SECONDS--"
"Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. It was too artsy. Too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think 'Invisible Touch' is the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time it deepens and enrichens the meaning of the preceding three albums. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Take the lyrics to 'Land of Confusion'. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. 'In Too Deep' is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like 'In the Air Tonight' and 'Against All Odds'. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist. And I stress the word artist. This is 'Sussudio', a great, great song, a personal favorite."
"HEY!! HEEEEEEY!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Dancing, of course. And singing. "There's a girl that's been on my mind! All the time, Su-Su-Sussudio, oh, oh! Now she don't even know my name, but I think she likes me just the same, Su-Su-Sussudio, oh, oh! Ah, if she called me I'd be there! I'd come running anywhere, she's all I need, all my life! I feel so good if I just say the word! Su-Su-Sussudio, just say the word, oh, Su-Su-Sussudio! Now I know that I'm too young, my love has just begun, Su-Su-Sussudio, oh, oh! Ooh, give me a chance, give me a sign, I'll show her anytime, Su-Su-Su-Sussudio, oh, oh! Ah, I've just got to have her, have her now! I've got to get closer but I don't know how! She makes me nervous and makes me scared! I feel so good if I just say the word, Su-Su-Sussudio! Just say the word, oh, Su-Su-Sussudio, oh! Ah, she's all I need, all of my life! I feel so good if I just say the word, Su-Su-Sussudio! I just say the word, oh, Su-Su-Su-Sussudio! I just say the word, oh, Su-Su-Sussudio! I'll say the word, oh, S-Su-Su-Sussudio, oh, oh, oh! Just say the word! Just say the word, ooh, just say the word! S-Su-Su-Sussudio, Su-Su-Sussudio, Su-Su-Sussudio, Su-Su-Sussudio, Sussudio, Su-Su-Sussudio! Just say the word, Su-Su-Sussudio! Just say the word, oh, just say the word!"
Meanwhile, Noah. Noah is squinting at the book. Noah is watching Black Star yell at Excalibur. Noah is watching Excalibur sing Phil Collins and, from the look on his face, apparently just now starting to realize that all of the Great Old Ones really, really suck.
I mean, really suck.
Just wait until he gets Shinigami-sama in there with his mandolin. The musical horror will never. end.
(And yes, by the way, I think that this pretty much confirms that Excalibur has to be the last of the Great Old Ones that Gooberkins already named. Remember how a couple of chapters ago, Noah mentioned that the only two Great Old Ones that he didn't have already were Shinigami-sama and Asura? Well, since Excalibur is already among those that he does have in the book, that makes it fairly likely that Excalibur is one of the Great Old Ones that Noah implied that he had already acquired. Also, Kid has indeed already met Excalibur, so, natch. Plus it would make perfect sense if Excalibur really did turn out to be an eldritch abomination whose very existence drives human beings into insanity. It would make perfect, beautiful sense.)
Gopher hovers over Noah's shoulder. "Noah-sama, what is the situation inside the book?"
Noah squints at the book's pages. How unsightly. Who the hell scribbled "DIE YUPPIE SCUM" all over these pages?
Meanwhile, the power of Excalibur's sanity-warping wavelength has combined with the sanity-destroying power of "Sussudio" to bend the very nature of reality itself so that Index can make an epic Excalibur-face even though he doesn't even HAVE a face to begin with. "Takonimo. Indeed. He is verily and truly insufferable... He disturbs the order of the book and throws the book's letters into disarray as well. Perhaps my form is indeed based on that of Excalibur, albeit born from Eibon's desire to lower the insufferable creature's upturned nose--"
"Don't wear that outfit again!" Excalibur interrupts, pointing his cane directly at Index's paper wrappings. "Wear a dress or a skirt or something! And high heels. I like high heels."
"Okay, SO!" Liz declares. "Thanks to Excalibur I think we've spent more than enough time in the Wrath chapter! Hurry up and take us to the next chapter, Index!"
"Very well," Index says. "However, in order to ensure that we are not interrupted again, you must distract the attention of the Holy Sword."
"LEAVE IT TO US!!!" Black Star, Kirikou, and Patti shout.
The three of them try to tackle Excalibur, but he easily dodges all of their attacks. "You're a fool! I can always get you a lime. Get a goddamn job!"
"Index-san!" Tsubaki implores Index. "Do it now, while he's distracted!"
The page turns. No more lava, no more steam, no more red. The new chapter has blue skies, fluffy white clouds, and luscious green trees. "Goddamn, that was a chapter full of suck," Black Star comments. "This chapter sure looks nice, though."
CHAPTER FIVE: ---
It would look a lot nicer without Excalibur standing right in front of Black Star, though.
"YOU AGAIN?!?!?!"
"You like Huey Lewis and the News?" Excalibur asks. "Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humour. In '87, Huey released Fore!, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is 'Hip to be Square', a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself."
Our Heroes stare at Excalibur.
"Do you feel fulfilled? I mean, in your life?" Excalibur morphs into his weapon form and glows enticingly. "I guess you could say I just want to have a meaningful relationship with someone special."
Just one swing of the sword... Kirikou thinks.
If I can endure him for just one swing... Liz thinks.
Kid-kun... Patti thinks.
We can save Kid-kun... Tsubaki thinks.
Liz grabs Excalibur's handle. "Liz..." Black Star says.
Liz grits her teeth. I want to save Kid! She swings the sword. "EXCALIBUR--! SLICE STRAIGHT THROUGH THIS DIMENSION!!" And then he does just that.
"She created a a fissure in the fabric of space-time?!" Kirikou exclaims.
"So are we connected to another dimension now?!" Black Star asks.
Liz puts on her game face. She tightens her grip on Excalibur's handle.
And then she pitches the sword straight through the dimensional fissure that he created. "AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS BOOK!!"
CHAPTER FIVE: PRIDE.
"Ugh, just the thought of using that thing..." Liz sobs. "My pride got in the way..."
"It's okay," the others comment sympathetically. They understand.
So, uh, is anybody else disappointed that we didn't get to see Excalibur pop out of the Book of Eibon and smack Noah in the face? (*raises hand*) I know I am.
Anywhoo! Noah, who apparently was neither smacked in the face nor hilariously decapitated when the Holy Sword came popping out of the book that he had been leaning over and squinting at, is now writing in the pages of said book.
Wait, what kind of a collector writes in the pages of his valuable books?
A collector who specializes in failing at everything. That's what kind of collector.
Giricco... The two that I have spoken to you about are now approaching your location... I leave the rest up to you.
Inside the book, Giricco is lounging on a chair.
This is your chance to avenge Arachne-sama, Noah writes.
Giricco sits up and grins.
Okay, so. Let's all ignore for a moment the role that Noah played in Arachne's demise (*cough*) (*cough*) and ask ourselves the more important question:
If Giricco is in the book, then where is Justin?
We know where Noah is, we know where Gopher is, and we know where Giricco is. But wherefore Justin and his pet Pennywise?
Is Justin lying in wait for the approaching Shibusen teachers? If he off on some mission that involves whatever the heck Noah did with the Brew three chapters ago? Did he dump Giricco in order to hook back up with his smoking hot ex, Cameron Diaz?
Meanwhile, Soul and Maka are in a new chapter of the book. They walk through the new chapter together, still clutching each other's hands. "There's nothing but chairs and beds here..." Soul says. "So this chapter must be..."
CHAPTER SIX: SLOTH.
"Hey, Soul..." Maka says. "There's something that I need to talk to you about..." She pulls her hand out of Soul's grip, and sits down in a chair. "I'm sorry that I'm always holding you back..."
"What are you talking about?"
Maka casts her eyes down. "Please forgive me for making this decision without asking you. But it's the right thing to do... Please go on without me. Soul, I can't fight with you as my partner anymore..."
And the chapter ends.
Okay, so, who wants to predict that Giricco still won't actually do anything next month?
Anywhoo. Four more circles of hell + confirmation of the final Great Old One + Phil Collins. Of course.
Let's go.
Since another translation of chapter 74 has been available for a while now, and since I assume that y'all have seen it by now, I'm going to take this opportunity to do a little something different this month. I'm just going to go ahead and replace all of Excalibur's dialogue with dialogue from another famous fictional blowhard and see if the chapter still makes sense, all right?
Okay, so I've got three DVDs in front of me, and a finger highly capable of performing a discriminating round of eenie-meenie-miney-moe. So, who's it going to be? Eenie-meenie-miney-moe, catch a T-Rex by the toe, if he has a mental and emotional breakdown let him go, eenie-meenie-miney...
Moe.
Christian Bale from American Psycho it is, then.
(For the record, the other possible choices for this little experiment were Garrison Keillor from the Prairie Home Companion movie and The Motherfucking Narrator from the trippy film version of Finnegans Wake. But the finger hath chosen Christian Bale, and the finger hath spoken.)
So! Our chapter opens with Maka stuck in the third chapter/circle of Eibon's Inferno, facing down Envy. Or rather, facing down a version of the Stalker Girl that Hell seems to have conjured from her imagination. Also, Hell looks an awful lot like Shibusen. Also, the chapter actually opens with a random shot of some lockers in a hallway, then an inexplicable panel of Index's face. For some reason this makes me think that Index is hiding in one of those lockers and watching all of this unfold like the voyeuristic little creeper that he is.
"You may be the technician who turned Soul-sempai into a Death Scythe," the girl tells Maka, "but that still doesn't make you fit to be his partner."
"Are you shittin' me?!" Maka responds. Which, you know, I kind of have to agree with. Yeah, uh, the stalker girl's logic here makes a whole lot of no sense at all.
But the girl presses on. "See? Your crude mannerisms are exactly the type of thing that I'm talking about... Is there anything at all about you that makes you a good match for Soul-sempai?"
Maka chews on some ellipses and glares at the girl.
"The thing is..." the little girl says, "I know the truth. The only reason that Maka-san was able to come this far is all because of Soul-sempai..." She opens a broom cabinet and pulls out, appropriately, a broom. "Try spinning this broom."
Maka doesn't look angry anymore. She looks nervous. Nevertheless, she grabs the broom from the girl, hesitates for a panel, then slowly spins the broom around in a full circle.
"Faster," the girl demands.
Maka tries to spin faster, but loses her grip. The broom goes flying out of her hands and clatters to the ground.
"How can you call yourself a scythe technician when you can't even do a basic spinning move?" the girl mocks Maka. "The thought of someone like that being a Death Scythe's technician makes me want to laugh. How on earth were you ever able to fight like that...?"
Maka reaches down to pick up the broom. Flashback time. Maka, in her original uniform, is nervously holding Soul in his scythe form. "What... What should I do next?"
"All you gotta do is move your arms in the direction that you want to swing the blade, and don't grip too hard with your hands, all right?" Soul says. "I'm gonna take the lead."
"And even when you tried to dance with him..." the girl adds.
Flashback to the Black Room. "You lead," Maka tells Soul.
"You're always completely relying on Soul-sempai," the girl says. "It's like you don't understand Soul-sempai at all... You don't understand anything at all about music, do you?"
Maka finally finds her spine again. "That's not true!!" she snaps at the girl. "I... I want to understand Soul, so I worked really hard reading and studying a whole lot of books about music!!"
"Because you can't understand music just by listening to it?" the girl asks.
Maka instantly deflates. Another flashback. Maka is listening to Soul and Liz talk to each other. "Are you serious?!" Soul exclaims. "You've seen him perform live?!"
"Mmm-hmm, I have!" Liz says. "I'm from New York, so I've been to a lot of jazz clubs and stuff."
"No way! You're so lucky---"
The flashback moves to Maka and Soul's apartment. "Maka!!" Soul has this hilariously doofy grin on his face. "Look! This is the record that Liz and I were talking about today..." He's holding up a copy of Bitches Brew by Miles Davis.
So, uh. In the real world, Miles Davis died in 1991. So I guess that means that in the Ohkuboverse, Miles Davis has officially become the newest member of the League of Famous Historical Figures Who Should Not Be Alive in Maka's Milieu But Who Are Anyway, joining the proud ranks of Jack the Ripper, Al Capone, and Rasputin.
Maka makes with the ellipses again. "I..." She turns away from Soul. "I hate jazz!! I mean, there aren't any books about jazz in the library."
Really?
Shibusen's library has a copy of the Book of Eibon, but they don't have any books about jazz music? Really?!
"I'm sure that in a few years there'll be some books about jazz in the library, right?" Soul says.
"Just listen to it at a low volume, okay?" Maka tells Soul. "I have to study."
"What is with you...?" Soul snaps. "You have to actually listen to music if you want to understand it, you know!"
Maka speaks in ellipses as she think-bubbles, He might say that, but... "Even when I listen... I still don't understand..."
"You're not just jealous of Liz, you're jealous of music itself," the girl taunts Maka. "You're such an idiot!"
Suddenly... ZOMBIES!! "You're a pathetic technician who can't even spin a mop," the zombie girls taunt Maka as they surround her. "There are plenty of girls who could replace you. You're even weaker than a weapon like Patti... You're just a bookworm drudge who has no life outside of studying... You completely rely on the men that you trick into supporting you... You're a cowardly woman..."
"Look," the Stalker Girl says, as love letters start falling from apparently nowhere. "All of these other girls desire to be Soul-sempai's partner. Shouldn't you hurry up and start practicing how to spin that broom properly, before he dumps you?"
Maka spins the broom fast, slicing through the air.
"Still too slow," the girl says. "You can't even use the broom for regular cleaning like that."
Panel: Broom falls to ground.
Panel: Tears fall to ground.
Panel: Zombies grinning.
"And now look at you, you're making a mess all over the floor!" the girl says. "You're beyond hopeless."
Maka slumps down to the floor, wide-eyed and crying.
Panel: Maka alone, no more zombies.
Panel: A shadow looming over Maka.
Panel: Soul. He doesn't look too happy.
Maka looks up at him. "Soul?"
"Are you alone?" Soul asks. "It looks like we got separated from everybody else." He watches Maka wiping her tears on her sleeve. "Maka, did something happen to you, too...?"
"Eh? Like what?" Maka smiles cheerfully at him. "Are you saying that something happened to you?"
"N... Nah. Nothing happened," Soul says. Which of course means that something did happen. Cue flashback.
The flashback starts with applause! "Wonderful!" somebody says. "Well, that's only to be expected from a son of the Evans family," somebody else adds.
"He really is every bit as talented as his older brother Wes, isn't he?" a woman comments.
Soul walks through a crowd, listening to them agree with the woman. "It's so true---!!" they exclaim. But somebody in this crowd surely must have noticed by now... Soul think-bubbles. No... Nobody among them can hear the difference... But a person who really knows music would be able to understand right away... I'm nothing like Wes.
"So is that why you chose that girl?" Wes asks.
"THAT'S NOT TRUE!!" Soul snarls at him. Back in the present, Soul continues think-bubbling. That's not the reason... Maka isn't... He holds out his hand to Maka. "Let's go. We're done reading this chapter, aren't we...? We can't let ourselves get separated again."
"Right." Maka takes his hand. In the background, we can see that the page to the next chapter is already turning, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense because Index isn't with them and I thought that only Index could do that... Oh well. I guess that now Maka and Soul can use the power of their Hand-Holding Sparkly Twu Wuv OTP-ness to bend the Book of Eibon to their will.
How convenient.
CAPTION: AT THE SAME TIME, THE OTHER PARTY...
"OH MY GOD I AM SO FREAKIN' HUNGRY!!" Somebody kvetches. "AND IT'S STARTING TO REALLY PISS ME OFF!!"
"GOD FREAKIN' DAMMIT!!" Kirikou shouts. "I'M ANGRY BECAUSE I'M HUNGRY!!" So like a three-year-old throwing a temper tantrum, then.
"FOR FUCK'S SAKE STOP MAKING FUCKING AWFUL PUNS FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUCK!!" Black Star snarls at him. "KIRIKOU I AM SOOOOOO GONNA KILL YOU I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD!!"
Aaaaaaaand Ohkubo has officially reached an all-new low in the punning department. Low, low, low. "Hungry" (ha-n-gu-rii) and "angry" (a-n-gu-rii) are indeed pun fodder in Japanese. Hangurii de angurii = "angry because hungry," meaning that because the word for angry is a PART OF the word for hungry, then one feels anger because one feels hunger. But even by Japanese standards this is weaksauce punning.
Yes, that is officially even worse than Index's takonimo. Far, far worse.
Black Star's reaction is somewhat understandable in the face of this godawful affront to the art of punning, I do believe.
"YOU CAN'T KILL SOMEONE OVER A FREAKIN' PUN!!" Kirikou shouts.
"NOW YOU'RE REALLY ASKING FOR IT!! GO AHEAD AND MAKE ME TRY!!" Black Star snaps back.
"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!" Patti shouts at them both. "NEITHER OF YOU HAS THE BALLS TO GO THROUGH WITH IT SO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!"
"What in the world is going on in this chapter...?" Tsubaki asks Index.
"Takonimo. Indeed. Is it not obvious?" Index answers.
CHAPTER FOUR: WRATH.
"HEY!!" Liz shouts. "How come me and Tsubaki are the only ones who are still stuck as dudes?!"
"SHUT UP, YOU PERVY OLD HAG!!" Black Star, Kirikou, and Patti shout in unison.
"OLD HAG?!?! I'M ONLY TWO OR THREE YEARS OLDER THAN ALL OF YOU!!" Liz snaps back.
"DON'T GET ALL FREAKIN' HYSTERICAL!!" one of the three (presumably) shouts back at Liz. "OH MY GOOOOOOD WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE BLOND ONES WHO ARE SO--?!"
Ignoring all of this, Tsubaki starts shouting at Index. "Index-san!! What is the meaning of this?! Please return my body back to normal immediately!!"
"SHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!" Black Star and Patti scream at a noisy geyser.
Kirikou looks around at all of the lava. "The world inside this chapter has red color everywhere!!" he observes. "Just looking at it is making me feel pissed off..."
"That would be because red is the color that most aggravates humans," Index explains.
"OH MY FUCKING GOOOOOOOOD I'M SO FUCKING PISSED OFF!!" Black Star shouts.
"PIIIIIIIIIISSED OOOOOOOOOFF!!" Patti adds.
"SO JUST CALM DOWN FOR A MINUTE ALREADY!!" Tsubaki finally snaps at them both.
Black Star takes a deep breath. He's back. He looks around and says, "Okay, so... Hey, pervy lady. We had to deal with that pig in the last chapter, so that means that there's gonna be something else waiting in this chapter, right? Also, uh, where did Soul and Maka go? Look, I'm not really seeing anything pig-like around here, but..."
Cane taps rock.
"You've arrived! How lovely. Let me take your coats. How good of you to come!"
"NO FUCKING WAY!!!"
And then, immediately recovering from his sanity-shattering shock, Black Star starts laughing. "HA HA HA HA!! It's the freakin' Holy Sword!! What a freakin' idiot!! Did you get yourself sucked up inside this book too?!"
Black Star is right. It really does take some spectacular idiocy for one to end up trapped inside Noah's failbook of fail. Case in point: Kid.
But Excalibur will have none of Black Star's mockery! "I have a lunch meeting with Cliff Huxtable at the Four Seasons in twenty minutes. Did you know that Ted Bundy's first dog, a collie, was named Lassie? Have you heard this?"
Black Star stares at Excalibur. "Uh, whut?"
"I live in the American Gardens Building on West 81st Street on the 11th floor. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion."
"SO YOU WERE CAPTURED!!" Black Star gets a look of disgust on his face. "Ugh, you're so obnoxious... Just blah blah blah over and ove--"
And then Excalibur's word bubble actually takes over Black Star's word bubble. "There are a lot more important problems than Sri Lanka to worry about! We have to end apartheid, for one! And slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism, and world hunger. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights, while also promoting equal rights for women! We have to encourage a return to traditional moral values! Most importantly, we have to promote general social concern, and less materialism, in young people! You know, you should take some more lithium, or have a Diet Coke. Some caffeine might get you out of this slump."
"WHY THE HELL WOULD WE WANT TO--"
"You've got a negative attitude!" Excalibur interrupts again. "That's what's stopping you. You've got to get your act together! I'll help you! Be a doll and just get me a mineral water, okay?"
"Hey, you," Liz says. "You should at least listen when other people are talking, all right?"
"Elizabeth, it's three in the morning! Not quite blond, are you? More dirty blond. I'm going to call you 'Sabrina'."
"AAAAARRRRRRGH! FOR FUCK'S SAKE!! TALKING TO THIS THING ISN'T GETTING US ANYWHERE!!" Liz snaps. "I'M SO PISSED OFF I COULD FREAKIN' EXPLODE!!"
"Takonimo. Indeed," Index comments. He begins to chant so as to turn the page to a new chapter, but--
Suddenly, Excalibur!! "Listen, the mud soup and charcoal arugula are outrageous here. Oh, I see they've omittted the pork loin with lime jello. I like to dissect girls. Did you know that I'm utterly insane?"
"GET OUT OF OUR FREAKIN' WAY!!" Liz explodes.
"Listen, you're dating Luis and he's in Arizona and you're fucking me and we haven't made plans, so what could you possibly be up to tonight?" Excalibur hops around, refusing to shut up. "Pumpkin, you're dating an asshole. Pumpkin, you're dating the biggest dickweed in New York. Pumpkin, you're dating a tumbling, tumbling dickweed. He was probably a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine. That whole Yale thing."
"OH MY GOD IF YOU WOULD JUST SHUT UP FOR FIVE FREAKIN' SECONDS--"
"Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. It was too artsy. Too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think 'Invisible Touch' is the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time it deepens and enrichens the meaning of the preceding three albums. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Take the lyrics to 'Land of Confusion'. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. 'In Too Deep' is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like 'In the Air Tonight' and 'Against All Odds'. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist. And I stress the word artist. This is 'Sussudio', a great, great song, a personal favorite."
"HEY!! HEEEEEEY!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Dancing, of course. And singing. "There's a girl that's been on my mind! All the time, Su-Su-Sussudio, oh, oh! Now she don't even know my name, but I think she likes me just the same, Su-Su-Sussudio, oh, oh! Ah, if she called me I'd be there! I'd come running anywhere, she's all I need, all my life! I feel so good if I just say the word! Su-Su-Sussudio, just say the word, oh, Su-Su-Sussudio! Now I know that I'm too young, my love has just begun, Su-Su-Sussudio, oh, oh! Ooh, give me a chance, give me a sign, I'll show her anytime, Su-Su-Su-Sussudio, oh, oh! Ah, I've just got to have her, have her now! I've got to get closer but I don't know how! She makes me nervous and makes me scared! I feel so good if I just say the word, Su-Su-Sussudio! Just say the word, oh, Su-Su-Sussudio, oh! Ah, she's all I need, all of my life! I feel so good if I just say the word, Su-Su-Sussudio! I just say the word, oh, Su-Su-Su-Sussudio! I just say the word, oh, Su-Su-Sussudio! I'll say the word, oh, S-Su-Su-Sussudio, oh, oh, oh! Just say the word! Just say the word, ooh, just say the word! S-Su-Su-Sussudio, Su-Su-Sussudio, Su-Su-Sussudio, Su-Su-Sussudio, Sussudio, Su-Su-Sussudio! Just say the word, Su-Su-Sussudio! Just say the word, oh, just say the word!"
Meanwhile, Noah. Noah is squinting at the book. Noah is watching Black Star yell at Excalibur. Noah is watching Excalibur sing Phil Collins and, from the look on his face, apparently just now starting to realize that all of the Great Old Ones really, really suck.
I mean, really suck.
Just wait until he gets Shinigami-sama in there with his mandolin. The musical horror will never. end.
(And yes, by the way, I think that this pretty much confirms that Excalibur has to be the last of the Great Old Ones that Gooberkins already named. Remember how a couple of chapters ago, Noah mentioned that the only two Great Old Ones that he didn't have already were Shinigami-sama and Asura? Well, since Excalibur is already among those that he does have in the book, that makes it fairly likely that Excalibur is one of the Great Old Ones that Noah implied that he had already acquired. Also, Kid has indeed already met Excalibur, so, natch. Plus it would make perfect sense if Excalibur really did turn out to be an eldritch abomination whose very existence drives human beings into insanity. It would make perfect, beautiful sense.)
Gopher hovers over Noah's shoulder. "Noah-sama, what is the situation inside the book?"
Noah squints at the book's pages. How unsightly. Who the hell scribbled "DIE YUPPIE SCUM" all over these pages?
Meanwhile, the power of Excalibur's sanity-warping wavelength has combined with the sanity-destroying power of "Sussudio" to bend the very nature of reality itself so that Index can make an epic Excalibur-face even though he doesn't even HAVE a face to begin with. "Takonimo. Indeed. He is verily and truly insufferable... He disturbs the order of the book and throws the book's letters into disarray as well. Perhaps my form is indeed based on that of Excalibur, albeit born from Eibon's desire to lower the insufferable creature's upturned nose--"
"Don't wear that outfit again!" Excalibur interrupts, pointing his cane directly at Index's paper wrappings. "Wear a dress or a skirt or something! And high heels. I like high heels."
"Okay, SO!" Liz declares. "Thanks to Excalibur I think we've spent more than enough time in the Wrath chapter! Hurry up and take us to the next chapter, Index!"
"Very well," Index says. "However, in order to ensure that we are not interrupted again, you must distract the attention of the Holy Sword."
"LEAVE IT TO US!!!" Black Star, Kirikou, and Patti shout.
The three of them try to tackle Excalibur, but he easily dodges all of their attacks. "You're a fool! I can always get you a lime. Get a goddamn job!"
"Index-san!" Tsubaki implores Index. "Do it now, while he's distracted!"
The page turns. No more lava, no more steam, no more red. The new chapter has blue skies, fluffy white clouds, and luscious green trees. "Goddamn, that was a chapter full of suck," Black Star comments. "This chapter sure looks nice, though."
CHAPTER FIVE: ---
It would look a lot nicer without Excalibur standing right in front of Black Star, though.
"YOU AGAIN?!?!?!"
"You like Huey Lewis and the News?" Excalibur asks. "Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humour. In '87, Huey released Fore!, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is 'Hip to be Square', a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself."
Our Heroes stare at Excalibur.
"Do you feel fulfilled? I mean, in your life?" Excalibur morphs into his weapon form and glows enticingly. "I guess you could say I just want to have a meaningful relationship with someone special."
Just one swing of the sword... Kirikou thinks.
If I can endure him for just one swing... Liz thinks.
Kid-kun... Patti thinks.
We can save Kid-kun... Tsubaki thinks.
Liz grabs Excalibur's handle. "Liz..." Black Star says.
Liz grits her teeth. I want to save Kid! She swings the sword. "EXCALIBUR--! SLICE STRAIGHT THROUGH THIS DIMENSION!!" And then he does just that.
"She created a a fissure in the fabric of space-time?!" Kirikou exclaims.
"So are we connected to another dimension now?!" Black Star asks.
Liz puts on her game face. She tightens her grip on Excalibur's handle.
And then she pitches the sword straight through the dimensional fissure that he created. "AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS BOOK!!"
CHAPTER FIVE: PRIDE.
"Ugh, just the thought of using that thing..." Liz sobs. "My pride got in the way..."
"It's okay," the others comment sympathetically. They understand.
So, uh, is anybody else disappointed that we didn't get to see Excalibur pop out of the Book of Eibon and smack Noah in the face? (*raises hand*) I know I am.
Anywhoo! Noah, who apparently was neither smacked in the face nor hilariously decapitated when the Holy Sword came popping out of the book that he had been leaning over and squinting at, is now writing in the pages of said book.
Wait, what kind of a collector writes in the pages of his valuable books?
A collector who specializes in failing at everything. That's what kind of collector.
Giricco... The two that I have spoken to you about are now approaching your location... I leave the rest up to you.
Inside the book, Giricco is lounging on a chair.
This is your chance to avenge Arachne-sama, Noah writes.
Giricco sits up and grins.
Okay, so. Let's all ignore for a moment the role that Noah played in Arachne's demise (*cough*) (*cough*) and ask ourselves the more important question:
If Giricco is in the book, then where is Justin?
We know where Noah is, we know where Gopher is, and we know where Giricco is. But wherefore Justin and his pet Pennywise?
Is Justin lying in wait for the approaching Shibusen teachers? If he off on some mission that involves whatever the heck Noah did with the Brew three chapters ago? Did he dump Giricco in order to hook back up with his smoking hot ex, Cameron Diaz?
Meanwhile, Soul and Maka are in a new chapter of the book. They walk through the new chapter together, still clutching each other's hands. "There's nothing but chairs and beds here..." Soul says. "So this chapter must be..."
CHAPTER SIX: SLOTH.
"Hey, Soul..." Maka says. "There's something that I need to talk to you about..." She pulls her hand out of Soul's grip, and sits down in a chair. "I'm sorry that I'm always holding you back..."
"What are you talking about?"
Maka casts her eyes down. "Please forgive me for making this decision without asking you. But it's the right thing to do... Please go on without me. Soul, I can't fight with you as my partner anymore..."
And the chapter ends.
Okay, so, who wants to predict that Giricco still won't actually do anything next month?
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