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Soul Eater Chapter 72: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Eldritch Abomination
To quote the immortal William Murderface:
I woke up with a clown's hand in my pants. That's... That's what I did today.
I think that Ohkubo just made us all feel a little bit like we woke up with a clown's hand in our pants. Or a claw. Because in Ohkubo's world, clowns have claws and horns.
I'm sorry, I just have no other words to describe the feeling of reading this pure distilled insanity anymore. It's like I've got a clown's hand in my pants and not always in a good way, either!
Anywhoo, speaking of fictional deathmetal bands! I figured that another sing-along recap was long, long overdue. Why another sing-along recap? Why ask why? Because Clown, that's why.
READY?
FOLLOW ALONG WITH THE BOUNCING GOPHER!
Oh, don't look at me like that. It could have been worse.
Right, now it's time for the boring part of the recap, I guess.
Risa, Arisa, Kim (in her witch's outfit yaaaaaay!) and Eruka are kneeling at four points around a large magic circle, in the center of which sits the copy of the Book of Eibon. Eruka is a bit nervous about the collar around her neck sporting a cheerful skull clasp. "Begin the spellcasting now," Ox says. Because I guess Ox is standing behind Eruka now. "We'll support you."
"If you make any suspicious moves, though," Harvar adds, smiling rather evilly, "that collar around your neck will explode..."
"Now, to connect us to realm world within the Book of Eibon..."
Flashback. One day earlier.
"I'm sorry..." Maka says.
"Please go easy on her..." Spirit begs Shinigami-sama.
But Big Daddy T-Rex, kind and merciful as always, responds by chopping Spirit on the head. "The real cause of all of this trouble is because you let your daughter take your ID and check out a book that only Death Scythes are supposed to have access to." Only Death Scythes and one epic failure of a Plucky Boy Detective, that is.
"I'm the one at fault here," Maka says. "Please don't blame Papa..."
Scene-within-scene change! Now we're in Soul's flashback. "How in the hell did you get that perverted old guy to lend you his ID?" Soul asks Maka. "Are you always taking advantage of him like this?"
"Wh... What are you trying to say?" Maka responds, a bit nervously. "This is the first time I've asked him for something like this."
OMFG you could NOT be more obviously lying, Soul thinks.
Flashback-within-a-flashback-within-a-flashback! Maka turns on the Cute Faucet and asks her father in the most adorable way possible, "Um... Papa... There's a book that I really, really want to read... But because of my student ranking I'm not allowed to borrow it from the library... So I was thinking that maybe kinda sorta if you could lend me your ID card..."
And of course Spirit starts crying tears of joy immediately.I wonder if he vomited with joy, too.
Okay! So, um, back to the first flashback. That is not Soul's flashback. Er, back to our original flashback. "I knew that I was doing something wrong..." Maka goes on. "I was feeling really guilty about it at the time, too, so I only signed my name with my first initial 'M'..."
Wait, whut? How does that make any sense? I was feeling guilty, so I signed only with my initial. Was she trying to, like, cover her tracks? Was she hoping that because she signed her name as "M" nobody would be able to figure out that it was her who took the book? Good gravy, girl, how stupid can you get?! Anybody with two brain cells to rub together would have seen right through that idiotic, half-assed attempt to conceal your identity as soon as he--
Oh. Right.
"I just, I just wanted to research everything that I could about Crona's black blood, and about Medusa... So I wanted to borrow a Level 4 book... And I ended up with the copy of the Book of Eibon in my hands."
"Well, either way," Soul cuts in, "I'm a Death Scythe now, so... We can still technically have borrowed this book, right? I mean, not before, technically not, but now it's okay, right?"
"Uh, I don't think that's really the problem here, Soul," Maka says. I just love the look on her face in this panel. It seems like she doesn't like listening to Soul spew Kid-level Logic Fail all over his word bubbles.
"You will receive a penalty for this incident..." Shinigami-sama says. "Later."
"Yes..." Maka says.
Suddenly! "SHINIGAMI-SAMAAAAAAA!" "SHINIGAMI-SAMAAAAAAAA!"
Liz and Patti have just crashed the party. "Kid..." Liz pants, out of breath and sweating. "Save..."
"WE HEARD YOU FOUND A WAY TO BRING BACK KID DID YOU REALLY FIND A WAY TO BRING BACK KID!!?" Patti shouts.
"It's an extremely delicate procedure," Stein responds, "but we do need the help of as many as possible, or else it won't work at all."
"If that's the case..." Liz takes a deep breath. "PLEASE LET US JOIN THE MISSION TOO!!"
"ME TOO!!" Soul adds.
"ME TOO!!" Maka thirds.
Shinigami-sama orally molests some ellipses. Because God just can't let Maka and Spirit have all the punctuation-abusing fun in this chapter, now can he.
"Of course we intend to involve the Spartoi members," Stein responds smoothly. "Furthermore, Maka's soul perception ability will be an advantage in the search for Kid that we can't afford to leave behind... Right, Shinigami-sama?"
Oh nice one, Stein, trying to save God's ass like that. I don't think that it's a very convincing retcon, though.
Shinigami-sama still looks like he's not kosher with this idea. "Well... That may be true, but..."
And now the copy of the raw that I'm reading has blurred Spirit's next word bubble so much that I can't read it properly, so I'm just going to assume that he convinces Shinigami-sama with a compelling argument along the lines of "YOU send your idiot son into mortal danger all the freakin' time, you're my IDOL of terrible terrible parenting, please oh please Lord pleeeaaaaase let my Maka-chan take part in the upcoming long, drawn-out, ridiculously dangerous story arc! I mean, mission! Pleeeaaaaase!"
"Please, Shinigami-sama..." Maka pleads.
"Hmmm, I guess I have no choice..."
Next page! It is the official beginning of the KID SALVAGE MISSION. Because, uh, Engrish. Seriously Ohkubo I do not think that "salvage" means what you think it means. But oh well.
"Initiating magic procedure..."
"Ox-kun... Begin the calculations..."
"Calculating coordinates..." Eruka says. From Medusa's butt-monkey to Shibusen's slave... Am I ever going to catch a break...?
Eruka sniffles melodramatically. But then she goes back into bitch mode. "You three little idiots will provide me with support magic," Eruka says to the others.
"We're the idiots...?" Kim shoots back.
"Yeah yeah yeah," Risa and Arisa say together.
And then Eruka is all like "SPARKLY MAGIC CALCULATION POWERS, GO!!!" and I'm all like "FUCK YEAH SPARKLY MAGICAL MATH IS AWESOME!!!!"
"1, 2,... 4,... 10..."
JESUS FUCK NO
"1, 2... 4... 10..."
That's better. Goddammit, Ohkubo, isn't it bad enough that you abuse ellipses on every page?! Now you have to go so far as to add improperly-placed, extraneous commas to your word bubbles too?
WHAT DID THOSE INNOCENT COMMAS EVER DO TO YOU, HUH?!?!
Moving on. "1, 2... 4... 10... Grimoire page analysis clear. Radiation traversal... Reverse traversal... Preliminary calculation... Completed. Adding 70 MG magic... 65,... 68,... 71,..."
The commas. The commas. FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU---
"Good. This feels stable..." Eruka says.
Black Star stares intensely at the book. Wait for me, Kid... He flashes back to his last fight with Kid. We haven't seen each other since that time that I was at my lowest, when you saw me in my most shameful moment... "It was the blows from Kid that opened my eyes," Black Star says. "If I can't thank him for that..."
Nope nope nope nope nope nope not gonna make a Finnegans Wake reference here. Nuh-uh. Not gonna do it. Too easy. I'm saving my lit snobbery for the Lovecraft canon rape coming up in a few pages here.
The copy of the Book of Eibon is open and sparkling. "Polygonal points Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie are all clear!" Ox reports.
"Our preparations are complete, too," Eruka tells Stein.
"Everyone, line up in front of the book!!" Kim orders.
Or around the book. Whatever. So! Going into the book we have Maka, Soul, Tsubaki, Black Star, Blair (!!), Kirikou, Fire, Thunder, Liz, and Patti.
Wait. Is that it?
Let me just say: Blair is awesome. Totally awesome. She is an excellent choice to accompany the kids on this mission. Remember how ridiculously, effortlessly badass she's been in previous missions, taking down all five Mizune sisters and the Flying Dutchman all by her lonesome? So yes, I can see why Blair is included on the mission roster. Also, they are heading into a magical tome, and Blair does know a helluva lot about magic. Buuuuuuut at the same time I can't help but wonder why none of the other adults are going along on this super-important mission to rescue Shinigami-sama's son. I mean, couldn't they have at least, I dunno, added Sid to the roster? I mean, please? We already know that Sid is not only super-badass, but also super-responsible, and super-good at taking care of kids. He has to be, since according to his age stated in the previous chapter he must have adopted Black Star when he was eleven years old. Now that's maturity.
Back to Eruka. When Medusa finds out that I helped with this thing, she might finally kill me... Eruka think-bubbles. Or, you know, she might give you a high-five. Seriously, I think that Medusa would be lol-ing forever if she heard that Shinigami-sama decided to send all of her mortal enemies traipsing through the Book of Eibon. "Good job, Eruka! I bet they're all going to die in hilarious and increasingly ironic ways. AWESOME."
"COMMENCE DIVE!" Eruka shouts.
The Spartoi lean forward and hold their hands over the open book. "SPARTOI, TO KID!!" Maka shouts.
"COWABUNGA---!!!!" The Spartoi respond.
And then they are gone.
"They're gone..." Sid comments. "I hope they can come back..."
Inside the Book of Eibon: Introduction.
"This is inside the book...?" Maka says. She's really not very good at this Plucky Girl Detective thing, is she? "I mean, there are so many times when I've been reading a book and I've though, 'I wish I could enter the world inside the book,' you know? But I never thought the day would come when I would actually be inside a real book..."
"Ho ho," a voice says. (Santa? Is that you?) "So you're a bookworm, huh?"
"Who's there?!" Soul snarls. "If you're Santa Claus then you had BETTER have a good explanation for--"
"Table of Contents, Index, you may call me whatever you wish," our new friend says.
"Index?" Maka says. "Are you a deliberate pop culture reference to another famous GanGan title, or are you just a plagiarized rip-off?"
"Takoni... No, wait... Indeed," Index says. Oh God this is like witchin' all over again. Pun explanation time. Okay. (*deep breath*) "Ikanimo" is a way of saying "indeed" in Japanese. But "ika" also means "squid". Index screwed up the first syllable and said tako ("octopus") instead of ika ("squid") so he ended up with a nonsense word, takonimo. Then he corrected himself and said ikanimo, which is correct.
Har har har har.
You think that's painful? Just you wait. He's going to do it again in a few minutes. And again. And again. And again.
"Answer me, girl. What is your most beloved book?" Index asks Maka.
"Probably The Dark Side of the Moon," Maka answers.
Ummm, the album by Pink Floyd? The one written after Syd Barrett had a mental breakdown and left the band? Am I reading that right? Is that a book in Ohkubo's world?
"Ho~~" Index says. You can tell that he's evil because he's abusing the poor tilde now. "The little brat who was here before you thought only of organizing the contents of this book and nothing else..." As could only be expected... His particular madness could be called 'rules' or 'order'... He was a little fragment of a Great Old One...
wut
wut
ohkubo did you just get your lovecraft in my pink floyd i mean wut the flying flapjack fucking hell "GREAT OLD ONE" OH NO YOU DIDN'T--
By the way Index says "Great Old One" but the kanji clue for Japanese readers literally translates as "former rulers."
Okay. Okay. Now I understand what the title of the previous chapter was referring to. (I know because I've read ahead to the end of the chapter and Gooberkins identifies himself as a Great Old One, too.) So chapter 71 was indeed named for the first appearance of Gooberkins - a Great Old One - but a "former ruler" according to the way that Ohkubo has translated "Great Old One" for the benefit of Japanese readers.
If this isn't making much sense, that's because y'all need to be drinking more. HAVE A MARGARITA. It will help. Trust me. I've read ahead to the end of the chapter. It will help a LOT.
"Hey, you!" Black Star says. "So you know Kid, huh?! Where the hell is he?!"
"Ho~~. Another funny little brat has shown up... Takonimo... Er, indeed... I know him... The shinigami boy?"
"You're the Table of Contents of this book, aren't you?!" Liz shouts. "Take us to him!! We came here to rescue Kid!!"
"Ho~~ Kid is on a page deep, deep within this book. The Book of Eibon is divided into seven levels... Kid is in a section beyond even the seven chapters. It is a special chapter that none could ever reach by reading this book normally." The only ones who can reach it... Are souls that are going mad... And once within that chapter, they can never return...
"We are prepared to do whatever is necessary," Kirikou says.
"Reaching that chapter is the entire reason that we came here," Tsubaki adds.
"We can't just give up and go home now," Patti says.
"I see... Very well," Index says. "As the Table of Contents, I will be your guide." He opens up a portal to the first level of the book. "Follow me."
Back at Shibusen. "It appears as though the Spartoi safely completed their dive into the Book of Eibon..." Spirit reports.
"I see..." Shinigami-sama says.
"Even though you said that adults would be too easily tempted by the contents of the book... It's not easy to think about those kids going in there alone..."
"You'd be KO'd by the very first chapter," Shini tells Spirit, not bothering with anything even remotely resembling, you know, tact.
"Ouch! How embarrassing..."
"We can only do what we can do," Stein says. "But what we can do, we must do with all of our might. Tzeca is waiting to attack Noah's base..."
Inside the Book of Eibon.
Chapter One: Lust.
"Chapter One: Lust," Index announces, repeating the helpful caption that just appeared one panel before. "The first challenge within the book is the challenge of Eros. Fitting, don't you agree?"
"There's some sort of bewitching fragrance..." Tsubaki comments.
"Tsubaki! What the hell happened to your voice?! Uwa! What the hell happened to MY voice?!" Black Star freaks out. "I... I... I... I GOT BIG HONKING BREASTS?!"
omg
omg
omg
omg
Black Star is a girl.
And Tsubaki is a man!! "Wh... What on Earth...?"
And Kirikou is a girl!! "Tsubaki, is that you...?"
And Liz is Eminem!! "What is going on here? Did we switch genders?"
And Patti is terrifying!! "AH HA HA HA HA! ONEE-CHAN, YOU LOOK FREAKY~!"
"Oh god, oh god... Me too... I'm not cool at all any more..."
And Soul is the girliest girl girl who ever girl girled.
I love Tsubaki's reaction. Soul-kun... SO FREAKIN' CUTE!!!
"No way! Me too!" Maka looks down at himself. "Guys, I'm sorry that I look like this..."
You don't look any different at all, everyone else think-bubbles at once.
"Index-san," Tsubaki says. "Why have we all switched genders?"
"This chapter is the Lust chapter..." Index says. "Based on the traits that you desire most in the opposite sex, your own sex changes as well. In such a chapter as this, it is not an unusual occurance."
Wait, whut? How does that logic make ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER? In the Lust chapter you turn into the traits that you desire most in the opposite sex?! So that you can, what, masturbate, or something? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS STUPID BOOK LOGIC.
Oh wait. Team Failboat. Never mind. It doesn't have to make sense.
"This is the Book of Eibon," Index goes on, throwing his tiny, tiny arms wide for dramatic effect. "Nothing that you can imagine could ever be considered 'strange' here!"
"So be prepared for anything, blah blah blah?" Black Star says.
"Takonimo. Indeed."
And then the columns (curtains? rocks? OHKUBO LEARN TO DRAW BACKGROUNDS PLZKTHNX) nearest to them start to move. "H-hey!" Liz says, clutching at Patti. "What the hell?! Something's moving in there!!"
It is indeed.
"P-- P--... Patti..." Liz is starting to cry as he clutches at Patti.
"Your new face doesn't do 'scared' very well," Patti comments.
Aaaaaand now we have a naked horned chick wearing an apron and nothing else, making epic pornface at Our Heroes.
"OH MAN WE ARE IN A PORNO MANGA NOW," Black Star comments.
"Is this some nekkid apron that I'm seeing?" Kirikou adds.
"That is a succubus," Index says, for the benefit of the stupid. "She is one of the demons that Noah has collected... She seduces men in order to absorb their life energy."
The succubus giggles. Maka's nose spurts blood.
Oh God, Maka has hearts in his eyes. "I... I think I'm starting to understand how boys feel..." Maka says.
"Because of that?!" Soul snaps at him. "What's so attractive about that thing?! You think it's okay for a boy to like a girl just because she has enormous breasts?!"
brb
lmao forever
I know that Index doesn't have a face, but I think that the way that he's going 0.o;; at Maka and Soul in the next panel is pretty freakin' priceless.
If their souls are charmed by the seven sins, if they waste too much time in any one chapter, Index think-bubbles, they will become a part of this book forever.
Do you think this might be Index's ebil plan? Yeah. Based on the next panel, I'd say that this is definitely Index's ebil plan. It is kind of an obvious plan.
Now we jump outside the book, joining up with Team Failboat for their obligatory chapter cameo. I mean, other than the singing intro. Noah is moping around until he suddenly realizes: I have the Brew within my hands...
YES, DIPSHIT. YES YOU DO. YOU'VE HAD THE FUCKING BREW FOR EIGHTEEN FUCKING CHAPTERS. THAT IS LONGER THAN A FUCKING YEAR. YOU HAVE YET TO DO ANYTHING WITH IT. THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON IN THE UNIVERSE AND YOU'VE BEEN DICKING AROUND DOING NOTHING WITH IT EVER SINCE YOU--
With this, everything will become mine, Noah think-bubbles.
YEAH THEN MAYBE YOU COULD GET A LESS FUGLY SEKRIT BASE. JESUS.
As long as I have just this small little forbidden tool...
"Gopher..." Noah calls. "Some vermin have infested my book." What, he can't just shake them out? I thought Noah had complete control over what goes in and what comes out of the book. I guess not?
"Unspeakable..." Gopher is shocked and appalled.
"Get me Giricco," Noah says. Fuck yes. FUCK YES. SCARY NOAH IS BACK, BABY. HELLLOOOOOOOO CLARICE! "We must reject all irregularities from the collection. Everything belongs to me. I won't let them take it from me. Not the Great Old One, not even a little piece of candy. I want. Everyone's possessions are my possessions." Have I mentioned that he's giggling maniacally throughout this whole tirade? "I will take... I will collect... I will gaze lovingly upon... The Great Old Ones. A fragment of one is already mine now... Shinigami... Asura... You are the only ones left... YOU WILL BE MINE!!!"
What the hell did he just do with the Brew?
I dunno, but I think we're about to find out. Back inside the book now. Hello, here's our new friend Gooberkins the Great Old One.
Okay, so, if I've got my Lovecraft-fu up to par, this thing is supposed to be Eibon's BFF Zhothaqquah, right? Or maybe it's supposed to be Tsathoggua the Sleeper of N'Kai. Or wait, weren't those two supposed to be the same? Rrrrrgh this Lovecraft shit is too confusing. For the purposes of this recap, from now I shall only refer to this gooey thing as Gooberkins.
Gooberkins the Sleeper of N'Kai looms over Kid. "This sensation..." Kid says. "This wavelength... I've felt it before... Asura?!"
"Do you understand?" Gooberkins asks. "Little crumb..."
Kid is like, whut.
"You think me the same as Asura?" Gooberkins goes on. "He is also a Great Old One, the same as myself... And the same as your father as well..."
"G... G... Great Old One?!"
"If I tell you of Shinigami and the Eight Warriors, will you understand, fragment of a shinigami...? Three were devoured by Asura. Now only five remain... There is myself... Shinigami... Asura... Eibon... And one more whom you already know of..."
"So Eibon was one of the Eight Warriors..." This is news to Kid, I suppose. The rest of us already figured it out years ago. Even without the anime making that fact canon in the animeverse, I think we still figured that one out years ago.
Go, Plucky Boy Detective Skills, go! "You..." Kid looks up at Gooberkins. "Do you know where Asura is right now? Shibusen is searching for him. Since you were one of the Eight Warriors, don't you know of the places where he would most likely be hiding?"
"Little crumb... You seem to be mistaken about something..."
Oh shit.
"Little fool... Merely because I told you that I was one of the Eight Warriors, you thought that you were safe with me... I am neither an ally of the shinigami, nor of anyone..." Gooberkins starts to get extra-gooey. "Order... Wisdom... Power... Rage... Terror... Great Old One... Our very existence causes souls to fall into insanity..."
I don't need to describe what happens next, do I? Y'all have seen the raws.
Well, at least now Kid has sleeves again. Thank you, eldritch abomination! I was getting tired of how stupid he looked in that sleeveless shirt.
"How repulsive..." Ebil!Kid comments.
Oh sweet Gipper-loving Jesus finally! I look forward to much epic lulz to be generated by Kid's no doubt failtastic future attempts at being evil and insane. I mean, do any of us really expect anything other than failtacular evil from this guy? Keep in mind that even in his right mind Kid equates a disorganized medicine shelf with the same level of epic evil as, say, Mosquito. I will laugh so hard if even despite the influence of Gooberkins, Kid's ideas about what exactly constitutes "insanity" carry over into the next story arc. Which means, basically, that he is going to disorganize everyone's sock drawers, mess up Maka's hair, and steal the buttons off everyone's clothing, all while cackling maniacally about it.
Granted, Liz and Patti may consider this a vast improvement over Kid's previous patterns of annoying behavior.
So, um. The chapter is over. And I am left with many questions. Namely, whatever happened to the stalker girl?! Remember her?! Maybe she's going to pull an Enrique on us: appear briefly for a single moment with no explanation or backstory whatsoever, then dissappear for an entire year, then come smashing back into the main story to bring epic comic relief lulz at the most dramatically inappropriate moment.
That would be awesome.
Also, what the hell did Noah just do with the Brew?
Also, is Giricco actually going to DO something soon?
Also, why is Gooberkins such a dick?
I have a million more questions that I think I could write right here, but this recap has gone on for far too long already, and Team Failboat would like to end it all the way that they began it. Give these guys a hand, y'all, because they practiced real hard on this closing number.
READY?
FOLLOW ALONG WITH THE BOUNCING GOPHER!
GODDAMIT GIRICCO THAT IS NOT WHAT WE REHEARSED!
The moral of this story is: If you get Giricco drunk enough he'll be willing to sing one Disney song. But only one. You will never, ever get him to sing two Disney songs in a row. He willkill you and devour your soul go Jimmy Buffet on your ass before that ever happens.
Edited to add: OR MAYBE THIS IS CHAPTER 71 because some genius (Ohkubo? His editor? The GanGan staff?) decided that Soul Eater needed to have two Chapter 71's in a row. For whatever reason.
Edited again: Aaaaand we have doodles!
I think that Ohkubo just made us all feel a little bit like we woke up with a clown's hand in our pants. Or a claw. Because in Ohkubo's world, clowns have claws and horns.
I'm sorry, I just have no other words to describe the feeling of reading this pure distilled insanity anymore. It's like I've got a clown's hand in my pants and not always in a good way, either!
Anywhoo, speaking of fictional deathmetal bands! I figured that another sing-along recap was long, long overdue. Why another sing-along recap? Why ask why? Because Clown, that's why.
READY?
FOLLOW ALONG WITH THE BOUNCING GOPHER!
Oh, don't look at me like that. It could have been worse.
Right, now it's time for the boring part of the recap, I guess.
Risa, Arisa, Kim (in her witch's outfit yaaaaaay!) and Eruka are kneeling at four points around a large magic circle, in the center of which sits the copy of the Book of Eibon. Eruka is a bit nervous about the collar around her neck sporting a cheerful skull clasp. "Begin the spellcasting now," Ox says. Because I guess Ox is standing behind Eruka now. "We'll support you."
"If you make any suspicious moves, though," Harvar adds, smiling rather evilly, "that collar around your neck will explode..."
"Now, to connect us to realm world within the Book of Eibon..."
Flashback. One day earlier.
"I'm sorry..." Maka says.
"Please go easy on her..." Spirit begs Shinigami-sama.
But Big Daddy T-Rex, kind and merciful as always, responds by chopping Spirit on the head. "The real cause of all of this trouble is because you let your daughter take your ID and check out a book that only Death Scythes are supposed to have access to." Only Death Scythes and one epic failure of a Plucky Boy Detective, that is.
"I'm the one at fault here," Maka says. "Please don't blame Papa..."
Scene-within-scene change! Now we're in Soul's flashback. "How in the hell did you get that perverted old guy to lend you his ID?" Soul asks Maka. "Are you always taking advantage of him like this?"
"Wh... What are you trying to say?" Maka responds, a bit nervously. "This is the first time I've asked him for something like this."
OMFG you could NOT be more obviously lying, Soul thinks.
Flashback-within-a-flashback-within-a-flashback! Maka turns on the Cute Faucet and asks her father in the most adorable way possible, "Um... Papa... There's a book that I really, really want to read... But because of my student ranking I'm not allowed to borrow it from the library... So I was thinking that maybe kinda sorta if you could lend me your ID card..."
And of course Spirit starts crying tears of joy immediately.
Okay! So, um, back to the first flashback. That is not Soul's flashback. Er, back to our original flashback. "I knew that I was doing something wrong..." Maka goes on. "I was feeling really guilty about it at the time, too, so I only signed my name with my first initial 'M'..."
Wait, whut? How does that make any sense? I was feeling guilty, so I signed only with my initial. Was she trying to, like, cover her tracks? Was she hoping that because she signed her name as "M" nobody would be able to figure out that it was her who took the book? Good gravy, girl, how stupid can you get?! Anybody with two brain cells to rub together would have seen right through that idiotic, half-assed attempt to conceal your identity as soon as he--
Oh. Right.
"I just, I just wanted to research everything that I could about Crona's black blood, and about Medusa... So I wanted to borrow a Level 4 book... And I ended up with the copy of the Book of Eibon in my hands."
"Well, either way," Soul cuts in, "I'm a Death Scythe now, so... We can still technically have borrowed this book, right? I mean, not before, technically not, but now it's okay, right?"
"Uh, I don't think that's really the problem here, Soul," Maka says. I just love the look on her face in this panel. It seems like she doesn't like listening to Soul spew Kid-level Logic Fail all over his word bubbles.
"You will receive a penalty for this incident..." Shinigami-sama says. "Later."
"Yes..." Maka says.
Suddenly! "SHINIGAMI-SAMAAAAAAA!" "SHINIGAMI-SAMAAAAAAAA!"
Liz and Patti have just crashed the party. "Kid..." Liz pants, out of breath and sweating. "Save..."
"WE HEARD YOU FOUND A WAY TO BRING BACK KID DID YOU REALLY FIND A WAY TO BRING BACK KID!!?" Patti shouts.
"It's an extremely delicate procedure," Stein responds, "but we do need the help of as many as possible, or else it won't work at all."
"If that's the case..." Liz takes a deep breath. "PLEASE LET US JOIN THE MISSION TOO!!"
"ME TOO!!" Soul adds.
"ME TOO!!" Maka thirds.
Shinigami-sama orally molests some ellipses. Because God just can't let Maka and Spirit have all the punctuation-abusing fun in this chapter, now can he.
"Of course we intend to involve the Spartoi members," Stein responds smoothly. "Furthermore, Maka's soul perception ability will be an advantage in the search for Kid that we can't afford to leave behind... Right, Shinigami-sama?"
Oh nice one, Stein, trying to save God's ass like that. I don't think that it's a very convincing retcon, though.
Shinigami-sama still looks like he's not kosher with this idea. "Well... That may be true, but..."
And now the copy of the raw that I'm reading has blurred Spirit's next word bubble so much that I can't read it properly, so I'm just going to assume that he convinces Shinigami-sama with a compelling argument along the lines of "YOU send your idiot son into mortal danger all the freakin' time, you're my IDOL of terrible terrible parenting, please oh please Lord pleeeaaaaase let my Maka-chan take part in the upcoming long, drawn-out, ridiculously dangerous story arc! I mean, mission! Pleeeaaaaase!"
"Please, Shinigami-sama..." Maka pleads.
"Hmmm, I guess I have no choice..."
Next page! It is the official beginning of the KID SALVAGE MISSION. Because, uh, Engrish. Seriously Ohkubo I do not think that "salvage" means what you think it means. But oh well.
"Initiating magic procedure..."
"Ox-kun... Begin the calculations..."
"Calculating coordinates..." Eruka says. From Medusa's butt-monkey to Shibusen's slave... Am I ever going to catch a break...?
Eruka sniffles melodramatically. But then she goes back into bitch mode. "You three little idiots will provide me with support magic," Eruka says to the others.
"We're the idiots...?" Kim shoots back.
"Yeah yeah yeah," Risa and Arisa say together.
And then Eruka is all like "SPARKLY MAGIC CALCULATION POWERS, GO!!!" and I'm all like "FUCK YEAH SPARKLY MAGICAL MATH IS AWESOME!!!!"
"1, 2,... 4,... 10..."
JESUS FUCK NO
"1, 2... 4... 10..."
That's better. Goddammit, Ohkubo, isn't it bad enough that you abuse ellipses on every page?! Now you have to go so far as to add improperly-placed, extraneous commas to your word bubbles too?
WHAT DID THOSE INNOCENT COMMAS EVER DO TO YOU, HUH?!?!
Moving on. "1, 2... 4... 10... Grimoire page analysis clear. Radiation traversal... Reverse traversal... Preliminary calculation... Completed. Adding 70 MG magic... 65,... 68,... 71,..."
The commas. The commas. FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU---
"Good. This feels stable..." Eruka says.
Black Star stares intensely at the book. Wait for me, Kid... He flashes back to his last fight with Kid. We haven't seen each other since that time that I was at my lowest, when you saw me in my most shameful moment... "It was the blows from Kid that opened my eyes," Black Star says. "If I can't thank him for that..."
Nope nope nope nope nope nope not gonna make a Finnegans Wake reference here. Nuh-uh. Not gonna do it. Too easy. I'm saving my lit snobbery for the Lovecraft canon rape coming up in a few pages here.
The copy of the Book of Eibon is open and sparkling. "Polygonal points Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie are all clear!" Ox reports.
"Our preparations are complete, too," Eruka tells Stein.
"Everyone, line up in front of the book!!" Kim orders.
Or around the book. Whatever. So! Going into the book we have Maka, Soul, Tsubaki, Black Star, Blair (!!), Kirikou, Fire, Thunder, Liz, and Patti.
Wait. Is that it?
Let me just say: Blair is awesome. Totally awesome. She is an excellent choice to accompany the kids on this mission. Remember how ridiculously, effortlessly badass she's been in previous missions, taking down all five Mizune sisters and the Flying Dutchman all by her lonesome? So yes, I can see why Blair is included on the mission roster. Also, they are heading into a magical tome, and Blair does know a helluva lot about magic. Buuuuuuut at the same time I can't help but wonder why none of the other adults are going along on this super-important mission to rescue Shinigami-sama's son. I mean, couldn't they have at least, I dunno, added Sid to the roster? I mean, please? We already know that Sid is not only super-badass, but also super-responsible, and super-good at taking care of kids. He has to be, since according to his age stated in the previous chapter he must have adopted Black Star when he was eleven years old. Now that's maturity.
Back to Eruka. When Medusa finds out that I helped with this thing, she might finally kill me... Eruka think-bubbles. Or, you know, she might give you a high-five. Seriously, I think that Medusa would be lol-ing forever if she heard that Shinigami-sama decided to send all of her mortal enemies traipsing through the Book of Eibon. "Good job, Eruka! I bet they're all going to die in hilarious and increasingly ironic ways. AWESOME."
"COMMENCE DIVE!" Eruka shouts.
The Spartoi lean forward and hold their hands over the open book. "SPARTOI, TO KID!!" Maka shouts.
"COWABUNGA---!!!!" The Spartoi respond.
And then they are gone.
"They're gone..." Sid comments. "I hope they can come back..."
Inside the Book of Eibon: Introduction.
"This is inside the book...?" Maka says. She's really not very good at this Plucky Girl Detective thing, is she? "I mean, there are so many times when I've been reading a book and I've though, 'I wish I could enter the world inside the book,' you know? But I never thought the day would come when I would actually be inside a real book..."
"Ho ho," a voice says. (Santa? Is that you?) "So you're a bookworm, huh?"
"Who's there?!" Soul snarls. "If you're Santa Claus then you had BETTER have a good explanation for--"
"Table of Contents, Index, you may call me whatever you wish," our new friend says.
"Index?" Maka says. "Are you a deliberate pop culture reference to another famous GanGan title, or are you just a plagiarized rip-off?"
"Takoni... No, wait... Indeed," Index says. Oh God this is like witchin' all over again. Pun explanation time. Okay. (*deep breath*) "Ikanimo" is a way of saying "indeed" in Japanese. But "ika" also means "squid". Index screwed up the first syllable and said tako ("octopus") instead of ika ("squid") so he ended up with a nonsense word, takonimo. Then he corrected himself and said ikanimo, which is correct.
Har har har har.
You think that's painful? Just you wait. He's going to do it again in a few minutes. And again. And again. And again.
"Answer me, girl. What is your most beloved book?" Index asks Maka.
"Probably The Dark Side of the Moon," Maka answers.
Ummm, the album by Pink Floyd? The one written after Syd Barrett had a mental breakdown and left the band? Am I reading that right? Is that a book in Ohkubo's world?
"Ho~~" Index says. You can tell that he's evil because he's abusing the poor tilde now. "The little brat who was here before you thought only of organizing the contents of this book and nothing else..." As could only be expected... His particular madness could be called 'rules' or 'order'... He was a little fragment of a Great Old One...
wut
wut
ohkubo did you just get your lovecraft in my pink floyd i mean wut the flying flapjack fucking hell "GREAT OLD ONE" OH NO YOU DIDN'T--
By the way Index says "Great Old One" but the kanji clue for Japanese readers literally translates as "former rulers."
Okay. Okay. Now I understand what the title of the previous chapter was referring to. (I know because I've read ahead to the end of the chapter and Gooberkins identifies himself as a Great Old One, too.) So chapter 71 was indeed named for the first appearance of Gooberkins - a Great Old One - but a "former ruler" according to the way that Ohkubo has translated "Great Old One" for the benefit of Japanese readers.
If this isn't making much sense, that's because y'all need to be drinking more. HAVE A MARGARITA. It will help. Trust me. I've read ahead to the end of the chapter. It will help a LOT.
"Hey, you!" Black Star says. "So you know Kid, huh?! Where the hell is he?!"
"Ho~~. Another funny little brat has shown up... Takonimo... Er, indeed... I know him... The shinigami boy?"
"You're the Table of Contents of this book, aren't you?!" Liz shouts. "Take us to him!! We came here to rescue Kid!!"
"Ho~~ Kid is on a page deep, deep within this book. The Book of Eibon is divided into seven levels... Kid is in a section beyond even the seven chapters. It is a special chapter that none could ever reach by reading this book normally." The only ones who can reach it... Are souls that are going mad... And once within that chapter, they can never return...
"We are prepared to do whatever is necessary," Kirikou says.
"Reaching that chapter is the entire reason that we came here," Tsubaki adds.
"We can't just give up and go home now," Patti says.
"I see... Very well," Index says. "As the Table of Contents, I will be your guide." He opens up a portal to the first level of the book. "Follow me."
Back at Shibusen. "It appears as though the Spartoi safely completed their dive into the Book of Eibon..." Spirit reports.
"I see..." Shinigami-sama says.
"Even though you said that adults would be too easily tempted by the contents of the book... It's not easy to think about those kids going in there alone..."
"You'd be KO'd by the very first chapter," Shini tells Spirit, not bothering with anything even remotely resembling, you know, tact.
"Ouch! How embarrassing..."
"We can only do what we can do," Stein says. "But what we can do, we must do with all of our might. Tzeca is waiting to attack Noah's base..."
Inside the Book of Eibon.
Chapter One: Lust.
"Chapter One: Lust," Index announces, repeating the helpful caption that just appeared one panel before. "The first challenge within the book is the challenge of Eros. Fitting, don't you agree?"
"There's some sort of bewitching fragrance..." Tsubaki comments.
"Tsubaki! What the hell happened to your voice?! Uwa! What the hell happened to MY voice?!" Black Star freaks out. "I... I... I... I GOT BIG HONKING BREASTS?!"
omg
omg
omg
omg
Black Star is a girl.
And Tsubaki is a man!! "Wh... What on Earth...?"
And Kirikou is a girl!! "Tsubaki, is that you...?"
And Liz is Eminem!! "What is going on here? Did we switch genders?"
And Patti is terrifying!! "AH HA HA HA HA! ONEE-CHAN, YOU LOOK FREAKY~!"
"Oh god, oh god... Me too... I'm not cool at all any more..."
And Soul is the girliest girl girl who ever girl girled.
I love Tsubaki's reaction. Soul-kun... SO FREAKIN' CUTE!!!
"No way! Me too!" Maka looks down at himself. "Guys, I'm sorry that I look like this..."
You don't look any different at all, everyone else think-bubbles at once.
"Index-san," Tsubaki says. "Why have we all switched genders?"
"This chapter is the Lust chapter..." Index says. "Based on the traits that you desire most in the opposite sex, your own sex changes as well. In such a chapter as this, it is not an unusual occurance."
Wait, whut? How does that logic make ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER? In the Lust chapter you turn into the traits that you desire most in the opposite sex?! So that you can, what, masturbate, or something? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS STUPID BOOK LOGIC.
Oh wait. Team Failboat. Never mind. It doesn't have to make sense.
"This is the Book of Eibon," Index goes on, throwing his tiny, tiny arms wide for dramatic effect. "Nothing that you can imagine could ever be considered 'strange' here!"
"So be prepared for anything, blah blah blah?" Black Star says.
"Takonimo. Indeed."
And then the columns (curtains? rocks? OHKUBO LEARN TO DRAW BACKGROUNDS PLZKTHNX) nearest to them start to move. "H-hey!" Liz says, clutching at Patti. "What the hell?! Something's moving in there!!"
It is indeed.
"P-- P--... Patti..." Liz is starting to cry as he clutches at Patti.
"Your new face doesn't do 'scared' very well," Patti comments.
Aaaaaand now we have a naked horned chick wearing an apron and nothing else, making epic pornface at Our Heroes.
"OH MAN WE ARE IN A PORNO MANGA NOW," Black Star comments.
"Is this some nekkid apron that I'm seeing?" Kirikou adds.
"That is a succubus," Index says, for the benefit of the stupid. "She is one of the demons that Noah has collected... She seduces men in order to absorb their life energy."
The succubus giggles. Maka's nose spurts blood.
Oh God, Maka has hearts in his eyes. "I... I think I'm starting to understand how boys feel..." Maka says.
"Because of that?!" Soul snaps at him. "What's so attractive about that thing?! You think it's okay for a boy to like a girl just because she has enormous breasts?!"
brb
lmao forever
I know that Index doesn't have a face, but I think that the way that he's going 0.o;; at Maka and Soul in the next panel is pretty freakin' priceless.
If their souls are charmed by the seven sins, if they waste too much time in any one chapter, Index think-bubbles, they will become a part of this book forever.
Do you think this might be Index's ebil plan? Yeah. Based on the next panel, I'd say that this is definitely Index's ebil plan. It is kind of an obvious plan.
Now we jump outside the book, joining up with Team Failboat for their obligatory chapter cameo. I mean, other than the singing intro. Noah is moping around until he suddenly realizes: I have the Brew within my hands...
YES, DIPSHIT. YES YOU DO. YOU'VE HAD THE FUCKING BREW FOR EIGHTEEN FUCKING CHAPTERS. THAT IS LONGER THAN A FUCKING YEAR. YOU HAVE YET TO DO ANYTHING WITH IT. THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON IN THE UNIVERSE AND YOU'VE BEEN DICKING AROUND DOING NOTHING WITH IT EVER SINCE YOU--
With this, everything will become mine, Noah think-bubbles.
YEAH THEN MAYBE YOU COULD GET A LESS FUGLY SEKRIT BASE. JESUS.
As long as I have just this small little forbidden tool...
"Gopher..." Noah calls. "Some vermin have infested my book." What, he can't just shake them out? I thought Noah had complete control over what goes in and what comes out of the book. I guess not?
"Unspeakable..." Gopher is shocked and appalled.
"Get me Giricco," Noah says. Fuck yes. FUCK YES. SCARY NOAH IS BACK, BABY. HELLLOOOOOOOO CLARICE! "We must reject all irregularities from the collection. Everything belongs to me. I won't let them take it from me. Not the Great Old One, not even a little piece of candy. I want. Everyone's possessions are my possessions." Have I mentioned that he's giggling maniacally throughout this whole tirade? "I will take... I will collect... I will gaze lovingly upon... The Great Old Ones. A fragment of one is already mine now... Shinigami... Asura... You are the only ones left... YOU WILL BE MINE!!!"
What the hell did he just do with the Brew?
I dunno, but I think we're about to find out. Back inside the book now. Hello, here's our new friend Gooberkins the Great Old One.
Okay, so, if I've got my Lovecraft-fu up to par, this thing is supposed to be Eibon's BFF Zhothaqquah, right? Or maybe it's supposed to be Tsathoggua the Sleeper of N'Kai. Or wait, weren't those two supposed to be the same? Rrrrrgh this Lovecraft shit is too confusing. For the purposes of this recap, from now I shall only refer to this gooey thing as Gooberkins.
Gooberkins the Sleeper of N'Kai looms over Kid. "This sensation..." Kid says. "This wavelength... I've felt it before... Asura?!"
"Do you understand?" Gooberkins asks. "Little crumb..."
Kid is like, whut.
"You think me the same as Asura?" Gooberkins goes on. "He is also a Great Old One, the same as myself... And the same as your father as well..."
"G... G... Great Old One?!"
"If I tell you of Shinigami and the Eight Warriors, will you understand, fragment of a shinigami...? Three were devoured by Asura. Now only five remain... There is myself... Shinigami... Asura... Eibon... And one more whom you already know of..."
"So Eibon was one of the Eight Warriors..." This is news to Kid, I suppose. The rest of us already figured it out years ago. Even without the anime making that fact canon in the animeverse, I think we still figured that one out years ago.
Go, Plucky Boy Detective Skills, go! "You..." Kid looks up at Gooberkins. "Do you know where Asura is right now? Shibusen is searching for him. Since you were one of the Eight Warriors, don't you know of the places where he would most likely be hiding?"
"Little crumb... You seem to be mistaken about something..."
Oh shit.
"Little fool... Merely because I told you that I was one of the Eight Warriors, you thought that you were safe with me... I am neither an ally of the shinigami, nor of anyone..." Gooberkins starts to get extra-gooey. "Order... Wisdom... Power... Rage... Terror... Great Old One... Our very existence causes souls to fall into insanity..."
I don't need to describe what happens next, do I? Y'all have seen the raws.
Well, at least now Kid has sleeves again. Thank you, eldritch abomination! I was getting tired of how stupid he looked in that sleeveless shirt.
"How repulsive..." Ebil!Kid comments.
Oh sweet Gipper-loving Jesus finally! I look forward to much epic lulz to be generated by Kid's no doubt failtastic future attempts at being evil and insane. I mean, do any of us really expect anything other than failtacular evil from this guy? Keep in mind that even in his right mind Kid equates a disorganized medicine shelf with the same level of epic evil as, say, Mosquito. I will laugh so hard if even despite the influence of Gooberkins, Kid's ideas about what exactly constitutes "insanity" carry over into the next story arc. Which means, basically, that he is going to disorganize everyone's sock drawers, mess up Maka's hair, and steal the buttons off everyone's clothing, all while cackling maniacally about it.
Granted, Liz and Patti may consider this a vast improvement over Kid's previous patterns of annoying behavior.
So, um. The chapter is over. And I am left with many questions. Namely, whatever happened to the stalker girl?! Remember her?! Maybe she's going to pull an Enrique on us: appear briefly for a single moment with no explanation or backstory whatsoever, then dissappear for an entire year, then come smashing back into the main story to bring epic comic relief lulz at the most dramatically inappropriate moment.
That would be awesome.
Also, what the hell did Noah just do with the Brew?
Also, is Giricco actually going to DO something soon?
Also, why is Gooberkins such a dick?
I have a million more questions that I think I could write right here, but this recap has gone on for far too long already, and Team Failboat would like to end it all the way that they began it. Give these guys a hand, y'all, because they practiced real hard on this closing number.
READY?
FOLLOW ALONG WITH THE BOUNCING GOPHER!
GODDAMIT GIRICCO THAT IS NOT WHAT WE REHEARSED!
The moral of this story is: If you get Giricco drunk enough he'll be willing to sing one Disney song. But only one. You will never, ever get him to sing two Disney songs in a row. He will
Edited to add: OR MAYBE THIS IS CHAPTER 71 because some genius (Ohkubo? His editor? The GanGan staff?) decided that Soul Eater needed to have two Chapter 71's in a row. For whatever reason.
Edited again: Aaaaand we have doodles!
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