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Soul Eater Chapters 70 and 71: This is some seriously Nancy Drew shit going down here, yo.
So I was recently asking myself, Self, what could Atsushi Ohkubo possibly add to this ridiculous trope-oden of a manga to make it any more unbelievably batshit than it already is? How about a magical talking mirror? Or even better, a magical talking mirror with narcissistic personality disorder? Or even better, a magical talking mirror with narcissistic personality disorder who also happens to be a furry? How about a magical talking mirror with narcissistic personality disorder who also happens to be a furry with a bear fursona and who appears to permanently be wearing the headpiece of a bear fursuit?
Then I remembered: Nah, we already got that last month.
And now it's time, once again, to see just how far down the rabbit hole Ohkubo is going to drag us this month.
We open with a color page of Sid, Spirit, Big Daddy, and Stein in the Death Room, looking deadly serious. "Still?!" Spirit says.
Yes, Spirit. The Department of Homeland Security is still keeping the Threat Level officially raised to PUMPKIN, and they show no sign of lowering it any time soon. In fact, we've been at level PUMPKIN for the past fifteen chapters, but the DHS doesn't seem interested in lowering the threat level any time within the forseeable future.
The Department of Homeland Security's website has posted the following information about threat level PUMPKIN:
Meanwhile, outside! "We're over in Sector 8, B-Block!" one of the Chupacabra's girls says, while Maka looks on in horror. "Come on over to Chupacabra's, everyone~~"
"WHY ARE BLAIR AND THOSE WITCHES HERE....?!" Maka ponders. In capslock. Because I guess Maka just asks pondering questions in capslock now.
"Hey!!" Marie suddenly appears. "You can't solicit customers here! Come with me right away..."
Fucking hell those are some epic misplaced ellipses, Ohkubo.
"Okay~~ bye-bye Maka~~" Blair says. "I'm gonna be home late tonight~~ Okay~~"
"What were you idiots thinking, inviting students to your club?!" Marie asks. "Next time try actually rubbing a pair of brain cells together before you try to promote your business!!"
"Oooh, scary~~" Risa says. "Human women past marriageable age sure are scary~~"
"Wow, they really don't have any youth to spare~~" Arisa says.
"Witches have long life spans, so we have lots of youth to spare."
"Yup, witches have lots of youth to spare!"
Meanwhile, Soul has donned the Captain Obvious Hat. "Is it really all right for those witches to be walking out and about freely like this?"
"Well, Marie-sensei came here to escort them, so I don't think there's any problem..." Maka says. "Oh. Uh, she just punched one of them."
"What the hell is going on a Shibusen right now, anyway?!"
Well, my theory is that Big Daddy is more loopy than usual because Kid is gone, and there's no way that Spirit can swallow as many coke balloons as Kid usually does (let alone completely bypass airport security by using a flying skateboard in the first place), thus Daddy's coke supply is running low and his capacity to make at least semi-logical decisions is suffering because of it.
Back at the Death Room! Marie, Risa, and Arisa find Spirit waiting for them. "So you came," Spirit says. "Shinigami-sama is waiting for you. We have completed our preparations. Hurry up and enter..."
Risa and Arisa finally look nervous. Probably because Spirit has really, really good reason to be pissed at them.
"This way..." Marie says. "Follow me..."
Sweet Pancake-Flipping Jesus, Ohkubo! What did this innocent punctuation ever do to you?!
A moment later! Maka and Soul have apparently attempted to follow the witches to the Death Room. Unfortunately, the Death Room is CLOSE. I mean, CLOSED. Goddamit, Ohkubo. "Entrance Prohibited."
"How suspicious..." Maka says. No shit, Sherlock.
Inside the Death Room! Is it just me, or does the decor look even more crazy in there than it did last time? I mean, previously it looked like Big Daddy only decorated with crosses. Now we've got Dali-esque melting lamposts, and asymmetrical torii, and all kinds of weird stuff in the background.
I'm telling you guys, God is showing some serious withdrawl symptoms.
"Shinigami-sama, we have completed the preparations," Spirit says.
"Uh... Uh-huh..."
"WELCOME TO CHUPACABRA'S - TOURING VERSION!!"
Oh my fucking god.
Wait, since when did Blair get there?
"Pretty..." Marie says.
Wait, since when was Nygus with them?
Wait, why isn't Nygus wearing any clothes?
"Come on, come on, Shinigami-sama, right this way..." Spirit says.
"O... kay..." Wow, Big Daddy does not seem very on board with any of this. Oh, lulz.
"Nyaa, nyaa, won't you come and join us too, Professor? Sid-chan?" Okay so this is a pun in Japanese but I can't figure out how to preserve it in English. Boo.
So now it's a party. I guess. They're having a party. La la la la la la party.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Marie cuts in. "I thought this was supposed to be an important meeting about how we're going to save Kid-kun!! Why are you people joking around like this?!"
"W... Well..." Shinigami-sama says. "We usually don't have serious meetings anyway... So something like this is okay every once in a while..."
Wait a minute.
Did he just say "We usually don't have serious meetings anyway, so something like this is okay every once in a while"?!
"Not usually" is an epic understatement. Since when has Shinigami-sama EVER had a serious meeting?! Remember that meeting a couple chapters back, when he was supposed to decide Angela's fate - when he opened the meeting by shouting "WAZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUP"?! Remember that time that Stein and Marie returned to Shibusen, and Shinigami-sama forgave them for their escape by bopping them on the head, and then Stein was all like "lol lol lol I guess there is no evidence to exonerate me look at me lulzing about it"? Remember that entire chapter about Shinigami-sama and Spirit making fun of Medusa's pumpkin panties?!
I would also like to point out that, even before the TOURING CHUPACABRA'S set arrived in the Death Room, it was already decorated with melting lamposts and assymetrical torii. This is not an environment conducive to SRS BZNS meetings.
"YOU IDIOT!!" Marie shouts. "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT IT'S OKAY TO JOKE 'EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE' WHEN YOU ADMIT THAT YOU DO IT ALL THE TIME ANYWAY?! THAT MAKES NO FREAKIN' SENSE!!" Oh my god, thank you Marie, for pointing out the obvious!
Spirit orally molests some ellipses. "......" Then he glares at Marie and says, "If you're not going to take this meeting seriously, then just get up and leave right now! If you're going to drag down this entire meeting, then we don't need you here!!"
Ho shit.
I think that the Department of Homeland Security just raised the threat level from PUMPKIN to CHRISTMAS CAKE.
Okay so liek Marie just killed Spirit. Awesome.
Meanwhile, nobody makes a move to intervene. Not Stein, not any of the witches, not Sid, not Nygus, not Big Daddy, not anybody. In fact, Arisa is completely ignoring Spirit's beatdown and already attempting to flirt with Sid. "Hey mister, how old are you?"
"I am twenty-five years of age," Sid says, in super-polite language, while beads of sweat drip down his face. (Wait, so does that mean that he adopted Black Star when he was like, eleven or twelve years old?)
Well, I guess now we know that zombies can sweat. I wonder if they produce other bodily fluids as well?Nygus knows, but she isn't telling anyone.
"Eh? Eh? So what kind of job do you do?" Arisa presses on, gamely.
"I am primarily an intelligence operative..."
"No way! Are you witchin' me?! You know, even though the secret's out about Risa an' me being witches already, I bet you never once suspected it! By the way, your face looks awfully blue. Are you all right?"
Meanwhile, Spirit gets back up! "There's no way I'm going to get knocked out during this super-crucial meeting..."
"More important than all of this, I think that we should talk about Kid..." Sid says.
"Nah, there's no witchin' way that you're a real superspy!" Arisa says. "Heeey, Risa, did you hear? Our customer here is like some sort of witchin' James Bond or something..."
"Why do you keep saying 'witchin this, witchin that'?" Spirit asks. Okay, explanation time! In Arisa's previous word bubbles, she was substituting the word majo ("witch") or maji ("really" or "truly"), so her speech ended up sounding like the way that the Smurfs talk, only stupider.
"Lately all the young witches have been saying 'witchin' instead of 'really'," Risa says. "It's witchin' popular right now."
"Huh. Are you witchin' me?" Spirit asks.
"Ah ha ha ha ha ha!" Arisa laughs. "Mr. Death Scythe, you're so witchin' flexible!"
"W... Witchin..." Sid says. "All right, but more important than that! Shinigami-sama, about the operation to rescue Kid..."
"Hey mister, why are you all blue?" Arisa asks.
"Huh? Blue? Well, a beautiful goddess stabbed me in the middle of my forehead, and I died." Oh lol. Wasn't that beautiful goddess actually Stein? (ETA: As![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fey_blade and Anonymous pointed out in the comments, Sid's "beautiful goddess" line is actually a reference to the fact that Stein stabbed him with a Statue of Liberty figurine. Oops, forgot about that detail!)
"Eeeeeeeh?! So you're a zombie?! Wow!!"
Meanwhile, Blair is flirting with Sid's killer. "Here's a light, Professor."
"Thank you."
I want that lighter.
"Didn't you quit smoking?" Spirit asks.
"Oh, I quit quitting," Stein says. "I originally quit smoking because I thought it would help me stay saner. But then I just felt irritated all the time, and then I started wanting to cut things..."
"Self-restraint is bad!" Blair quips.
"Self-restraint is bad..." Stein agrees. Witches... Huh...
"Ladies..." Stein says, turning toward the witches, his face all creepy and dark, "Next time won't you do me the pleasure of visiting me in my research laboratory?"
"Eh?! Aren't you being too bold?!" Yeah, really. Memo to Stein: DON'T INVITE HOSTESS GIRLS HOME. That's like, super-rude, you know. It's a horrible breach of hostess club etiquette.
Dissecting witches is super-rude too, but whatever.
"DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T GO!!" Spirit warns the witches. "HE'S GOING TO DISSECT YOU!!"
"Oooh, what should I do...?" Arisa wonders. "I mean, I'll be fine as long as I still have at least one kidney..."
Meanwhile, Risa is putting the moves on God. "Shinigami-sama... You're wearing that Funny Face mask all the time, I had no idea that you had any interest in a place like this all along."
"No, no, that's not it..."
Meanwhile, Nygus and Marie are standing back and watching the festivities. Marie turns to leave. "Ah, Marie..." Nygus says.
"I'm going home!!"
Outside the Death Room! Maka and Soul are still lurking in half-assed ninja mode. "Marie-sense just came out..." Maka says. Wow, they're really getting a lot of use out of the Captain Obvious Hat in this chapter, aren't they? "She looks really angry, but... It seems like they should have been having a really important meeting. I bet that Papa might even be showing his serious face for once..."
Nah, that's totally not true.
Caption: NAH, THAT'S TOTALLY NOT TRUE.
"Hey, Maka..." Soul says. "Let's stop doing all this stupid sneaking around and go home already."
"Why quit now?" Maka says. "It's like I'm the heroine in a mystery novel! I'm having fun, so there!"
"Oh my God, you are such a nerd-- OW!"
Maka suddenly jerks her head up, smashing Soul's face with the top of her skull.
"MY WONDERFUL SELF HAS RETURNED!!" Black Star exclaims, appearing out of nowhere with Tsubaki by his side.
"Tsubaki-chan and Black Star just showed up..." Maka says. Damn, girl, you really like wearing that Captain Obvious Hat, don't you?
"Oh," Tsubaki says, when she sees the "CLOSE" sign. "It says that we can't go in right now."
But Black Star laughs at God's puny Engrish signs! He laughs, and he then kicks the door in.
"YOU JUST KICKED THE DOOR IN!!" Tsubaki exclaims. I guess she just stole the hat from Maka, then.
"I am the man who can pass through any door! Stupid signs like that have nothing to do with me!"
"Should we follow them?" Soul asks Maka.
"Making a big splashy entrance with them would be so boring," Maka says. "We should keep sneaking around secretly like we've been doing!"
"...I have no idea what you think the point of this is anymore..."
Meanwhile, behind them! Waffles 2.0 is back. Maka is aware of her presence, though. Geez... What's up with that girl...? She's been sneaking around behind us this whole time. Doesn't she realize that because of my soul perception I already KNOW that she's there...?
Meanwhile, back in the PARTY ROOM!
"Um, about Kid..." Sid tries. "About Kid..."
Big Daddy is having the same reaction. "M... My..." His word bubbles get louder. "My son..."
Speaking of Baby T-Rex!
"I would have never guessed that this is what it would take to actually hurt you..." Waffles says, taking extra care to rape innocent punctuation as he does so, because he is just that much of a psychopath. "Now look, I just tore off one of your sleeves." Waffles's face looks eeeeeeevil. "But only one..."
Hoshit, he's on a rampage! Quick, somebody alert the Department of Homeland Security!
Waffles whips out his marker and prepares to do some more torturin'.
"Somebody... please... save me..." Kid whimpers.
Sorry, Kid. Spirit is horny and nobody cares about you.
Back in the PARTY ROOM! Oh FUCK YEAH killer butterflies! And flying pumpkins! Dude this is seriously like the BEST PARTY EVAAAAAAAAR except for the whole thing about how Kid is a Prisoner of War and being unspeakably tortured right this very minute and nobody seems to give a flying fuck--
"This is..." Holy crap, Big Daddy's mask is sweating. His mask is sweating.
And then he makes the angry face.
I think the Department of Homeland Security needs to raise the threat level again. Threat level WAFFLES isn't nearly a drastic enough description of the danger when Big Daddy's face makes that expression.
I think it's time for Threat Level MATE DE COCA.
And smite God does.
"CUT. IT. OUT. NOW!!"
Holy crap, you can apparently hear that all across the state of Nevada.
"Ugh," Arisa says, wincing.
"Nya," Blair says, looking shocked.
"Hnn!" Risa flinches, probably because her ear drums just burst.
"I'M SORRY!" Spirit shouts.
"Impressive reaction time," Nygus comments. LOL.
A double-edged panel indicates a time skip of several moments. "Eeeeeeeee?!" Risa and Arisa shout. "You mean that you DIDN'T bring us here to entertain Shinigami-sama?!"
"Of course not," Shinigami-sama says. "Do you want me to chop you?"
"But that's what Spirit-san told us," Risa says.
Oh, busted.
One concussion later, Spirit is back up and trying to defend himself. "It's not like that!!" he says. "I have a reason for all of this, I swear!!" He goes on. "After Kishin Asura was revived, we had the Brew battle, then everything that happened at Baba Yaga's Castle, and we haven't even had a single moment to stop and catch our breaths... I understand how you must be feeling, with your own child stolen away from you... But I thought that maybe I could make you forget about all of that for at least one moment..."
Well, I kind of got the impression that Shinigami-sama was doing a good enough job forgetting all about his son during the previous ten chapters, but that's just me.
Shinigami-sama's mask makes a sad face at Spirit. "But now you're the one who's forgotten all about my son," he says.
"Well~~, you can't really blame me for that, not when there's so much delicious sake here--"
--and now Spirit has his third concussion for the evening.
Big Daddy turns his attention to the witches. "The reason that I invited you three here today is because I'd like to request your help in the matter of rescuing Kid."
Risa, Arisa, and Blair stand at attention.
"As for you two witches... You don't have to accept this undertaking, but... Let's make a deal."
Risa and Arisa look nervous.
"You could spend the rest of your lives rotting in a jail..." Sid says. "Or you could go back to work at your hostess club... It's your choice."
Semantic nitpick: That is not a choice. At least not in any meaningful sense of the word.
"Either way that you choose," Stein adds, "you still won't have complete freedom."
"But... What exactly do you want us to do for you...?"
"Kid is trapped within a certain book," Shinigami-sama explains. "It's a tome of black magic, called the 'Book of Eibon.' You're witches, so you must have heard of it, haven't you? The truth is, however, that there exists a copy of the Book of Eibon. I want you to use your magic to link together the insides of the copied book with the insides of the book that Kid is trapped within."
"Such a delicate magical operation..." Arisa says. "There's no way that we can do something like that..."
"HEY LOOK SHINIGAMI-DUDE I BROUGHT YOU A FROG!!" Black Star says, suddenly appearing out of nowhere to smash a frog into Shinigami's face.
Not surprisingly, God is not pleased about suddenly getting a faceful of frog-crotch.
Dammit Black Star, aren't you paying attention to the Department of Homeland Security's threat level warnings?! This is NOT the time to go interrupting God in the middle of an important speech just so that you can rub a frog's vagina on his face!!
One well-deserved smiting later, Eruka finally realizes whose face she was just rubbing her crotch all over. "Shi... Shi... Shi... Shini... Shinigami-sama..."
"Huh?" Risa says. "Aren't you that witch who's good at calculations? Eruka or something?"
"Risa... Arisa..."
"Lamp technician Kim, reporting for duty!" Kim says, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. I guess that she just walked right through the door that Black Star kicked down. "Marie-sensei told me to come here."
"Oh, hey Kim!" Arisa says.
Kim and Eruka: "......"
Kim looks shocked. "Eh? Why are all of you guys here...? Are you witchin' me?!"
"OMG you guys were right," Spirit says, as Risa and Arisa give him a thumbs-up.
"Stein-kun..." Shinigami-sama says, "Have you brought news regarding the culprit who stole the copy of the Book of Eibon?"
"I have."
Whoa whoa whoa waitaminute. "Stole" the copy of the Book of Eibon? I think you mean "checked out" the copy of the Book of Eibon because you idiots LEFT IT IN YOUR FREAKIN' SCHOOL LIBRARY where ANYBODY with staff-level security clearance could have gotten to it. Morons.
(I know that Kid thought it was Medusa who checked out the book, but I'm willing to bet that the shocking twist here will be that it was Maka who checked it out instead. I think we've gotten enough hints toward that end.)
Okay, blah blah blah stalker girl. Oh my god, look at her hair. I bet she's a weapon who wants to partner with Maka, not a technician who wants to partner with Soul. I hope she's like a totally sweet pair of nunchaku. That would be awesome. Lesbian nunchaku!
Moving on. Back to Waffles.
Holy shit. He's... he's...
He's tickle-torturing Kid. Oh my god. COULD THIS GET ANY KINKIER?!
"You like that, just on the right side?!"
"IF YOU'RE DOING TO MOLEST ME, THEN MOLEST ME ON BOTH SIDES, DAMMIT!!"
"AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
And then, doom.
Oh, thank you, Ohkubo. I was afraid that we were never going to get another genuinely scary Hello, Clarice moment out of Noah. "You've gone too far, Gopher..." Noah says. Then he turns to Kid. "Aa~~ Aa~~ My poor collectible has ended up like this..."
"Ah... Ah..." Kid says when Noah touches his chin.
Yeah, I, uh. I got nothing. Kinkier and kinkier.
"I'm confiscating this thing right now," Noah tells Gopher. "What are you doing?! Hurry up and do something to relieve my foul mood... Go make some tea and come back here right away!And bring me my collection of comic books and Precious Moments figures so that I can roll around naked in them. It soothes me so when I become stressed like this."
"Yes!"
Waffles leaps into action. Kid gets eaten by a book, again. "Honestly..." Noah sighs.
You know, it's a good thing that Noah put Kid back in the book, or else Shinigami-sama's plan to link together the insides of the two books in order to get Kid out would be totally pointless! Thank you, Noah! Or rather, thank you, Waffles-tan.
Inside the book, Kid is like noooooo my asymmetry, so he rips off his other sleeve, wipes the ink off his face with it, then looks around.
"I guess I'm inside the book again..."
Kid, you look very silly wearing the Captain Obvious Hat. Also, you look very silly in a sleeveless shirt.
"It looks like I can't access or rearrange the rest of his stuff this time, either," Kid comments. "It feels like he stuck me somewhere really deep inside the book."
And then stuff happens.
"What... What's this disgusting wavelength...?"
It's something asymmetrical, that's what it is.
"Noah, you bastard... You were hiding something like this inside your book... If this thing somehow got out of the book, that would be bad news... Somebody... Hurry up and get me out of here..."
Dude, Kid, what are you talking about? I dunno about you, but ink!Cthulu looks like a pretty cool dude to be hanging out with! Why don't you go on over there and give him a hug?
And that's it for this chapter - or rather, these chapters (WTF, Ohkubo?) - this month. Next month: Moar frog molestation! Moar, moar!
Notes and addendum: Mate de coca is a tea made from the leaves of the coca plant, which is also used to make cocaine.
Edited to add: Why yes, I did indeed just waste a golden opportunity to make a Zhothaqquah joke. I fail at recapping forever.
Edited again: AHEM.
Then I remembered: Nah, we already got that last month.
And now it's time, once again, to see just how far down the rabbit hole Ohkubo is going to drag us this month.
We open with a color page of Sid, Spirit, Big Daddy, and Stein in the Death Room, looking deadly serious. "Still?!" Spirit says.
Yes, Spirit. The Department of Homeland Security is still keeping the Threat Level officially raised to PUMPKIN, and they show no sign of lowering it any time soon. In fact, we've been at level PUMPKIN for the past fifteen chapters, but the DHS doesn't seem interested in lowering the threat level any time within the forseeable future.
The Department of Homeland Security's website has posted the following information about threat level PUMPKIN:
Elevated Condition (Pumpkin). An Elevated Condition is declared when there is a significant risk of fanservice attacks. In addition to the Protective Measures taken in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:
1. Coordinating necessary boob-oggling efforts with Federal, State, and local law enforcement agencies or any Spartoi or other appropriate armed forces organizations;
2. Taking additional precautions to avoid any further pedophilic overtones in this manga;
3. Preparing to execute contingency procedures, such as appointing a substitute coke mule for God in the event that his son becomes incapacitated and inable to perform his usual drug-running duties;
4. Restricting threatened facility access to fully-clothed personnel only;
5. Ensuring that Atsushi Ohkubo will never, ever draw Blair in her original and super-cute witch outfit ever again.
Meanwhile, outside! "We're over in Sector 8, B-Block!" one of the Chupacabra's girls says, while Maka looks on in horror. "Come on over to Chupacabra's, everyone~~"
"WHY ARE BLAIR AND THOSE WITCHES HERE....?!" Maka ponders. In capslock. Because I guess Maka just asks pondering questions in capslock now.
"Hey!!" Marie suddenly appears. "You can't solicit customers here! Come with me right away..."
Fucking hell those are some epic misplaced ellipses, Ohkubo.
"Okay~~ bye-bye Maka~~" Blair says. "I'm gonna be home late tonight~~ Okay~~"
"What were you idiots thinking, inviting students to your club?!" Marie asks. "Next time try actually rubbing a pair of brain cells together before you try to promote your business!!"
"Oooh, scary~~" Risa says. "Human women past marriageable age sure are scary~~"
"Wow, they really don't have any youth to spare~~" Arisa says.
"Witches have long life spans, so we have lots of youth to spare."
"Yup, witches have lots of youth to spare!"
Meanwhile, Soul has donned the Captain Obvious Hat. "Is it really all right for those witches to be walking out and about freely like this?"
"Well, Marie-sensei came here to escort them, so I don't think there's any problem..." Maka says. "Oh. Uh, she just punched one of them."
"What the hell is going on a Shibusen right now, anyway?!"
Well, my theory is that Big Daddy is more loopy than usual because Kid is gone, and there's no way that Spirit can swallow as many coke balloons as Kid usually does (let alone completely bypass airport security by using a flying skateboard in the first place), thus Daddy's coke supply is running low and his capacity to make at least semi-logical decisions is suffering because of it.
Back at the Death Room! Marie, Risa, and Arisa find Spirit waiting for them. "So you came," Spirit says. "Shinigami-sama is waiting for you. We have completed our preparations. Hurry up and enter..."
Risa and Arisa finally look nervous. Probably because Spirit has really, really good reason to be pissed at them.
"This way..." Marie says. "Follow me..."
Sweet Pancake-Flipping Jesus, Ohkubo! What did this innocent punctuation ever do to you?!
A moment later! Maka and Soul have apparently attempted to follow the witches to the Death Room. Unfortunately, the Death Room is CLOSE. I mean, CLOSED. Goddamit, Ohkubo. "Entrance Prohibited."
"How suspicious..." Maka says. No shit, Sherlock.
Inside the Death Room! Is it just me, or does the decor look even more crazy in there than it did last time? I mean, previously it looked like Big Daddy only decorated with crosses. Now we've got Dali-esque melting lamposts, and asymmetrical torii, and all kinds of weird stuff in the background.
I'm telling you guys, God is showing some serious withdrawl symptoms.
"Shinigami-sama, we have completed the preparations," Spirit says.
"Uh... Uh-huh..."
"WELCOME TO CHUPACABRA'S - TOURING VERSION!!"
Oh my fucking god.
Wait, since when did Blair get there?
"Pretty..." Marie says.
Wait, since when was Nygus with them?
Wait, why isn't Nygus wearing any clothes?
"Come on, come on, Shinigami-sama, right this way..." Spirit says.
"O... kay..." Wow, Big Daddy does not seem very on board with any of this. Oh, lulz.
"Nyaa, nyaa, won't you come and join us too, Professor? Sid-chan?" Okay so this is a pun in Japanese but I can't figure out how to preserve it in English. Boo.
So now it's a party. I guess. They're having a party. La la la la la la party.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Marie cuts in. "I thought this was supposed to be an important meeting about how we're going to save Kid-kun!! Why are you people joking around like this?!"
"W... Well..." Shinigami-sama says. "We usually don't have serious meetings anyway... So something like this is okay every once in a while..."
Wait a minute.
Did he just say "We usually don't have serious meetings anyway, so something like this is okay every once in a while"?!
"Not usually" is an epic understatement. Since when has Shinigami-sama EVER had a serious meeting?! Remember that meeting a couple chapters back, when he was supposed to decide Angela's fate - when he opened the meeting by shouting "WAZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUP"?! Remember that time that Stein and Marie returned to Shibusen, and Shinigami-sama forgave them for their escape by bopping them on the head, and then Stein was all like "lol lol lol I guess there is no evidence to exonerate me look at me lulzing about it"? Remember that entire chapter about Shinigami-sama and Spirit making fun of Medusa's pumpkin panties?!
I would also like to point out that, even before the TOURING CHUPACABRA'S set arrived in the Death Room, it was already decorated with melting lamposts and assymetrical torii. This is not an environment conducive to SRS BZNS meetings.
"YOU IDIOT!!" Marie shouts. "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT IT'S OKAY TO JOKE 'EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE' WHEN YOU ADMIT THAT YOU DO IT ALL THE TIME ANYWAY?! THAT MAKES NO FREAKIN' SENSE!!" Oh my god, thank you Marie, for pointing out the obvious!
Spirit orally molests some ellipses. "......" Then he glares at Marie and says, "If you're not going to take this meeting seriously, then just get up and leave right now! If you're going to drag down this entire meeting, then we don't need you here!!"
Ho shit.
I think that the Department of Homeland Security just raised the threat level from PUMPKIN to CHRISTMAS CAKE.
High Condition (Christmas Cake). A High Condition reflects a high risk of angry Death Scythe attacks. In addition to the Protective Measures taken in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:
1. Increasing or redirecting expendable personnel to get in the way of Marie's fist;
2. Assigning emergency response personnel and pre-positioning and mobilizing specially trained teams in the event of mass injury or death;
3. Unplugging phones, laptops, and computers, in the event of a power surge; and
4. Closing public and government restrooms. (Toilets in particular are high-risk targets.)
Okay so liek Marie just killed Spirit. Awesome.
Meanwhile, nobody makes a move to intervene. Not Stein, not any of the witches, not Sid, not Nygus, not Big Daddy, not anybody. In fact, Arisa is completely ignoring Spirit's beatdown and already attempting to flirt with Sid. "Hey mister, how old are you?"
"I am twenty-five years of age," Sid says, in super-polite language, while beads of sweat drip down his face. (Wait, so does that mean that he adopted Black Star when he was like, eleven or twelve years old?)
Well, I guess now we know that zombies can sweat. I wonder if they produce other bodily fluids as well?
"Eh? Eh? So what kind of job do you do?" Arisa presses on, gamely.
"I am primarily an intelligence operative..."
"No way! Are you witchin' me?! You know, even though the secret's out about Risa an' me being witches already, I bet you never once suspected it! By the way, your face looks awfully blue. Are you all right?"
Meanwhile, Spirit gets back up! "There's no way I'm going to get knocked out during this super-crucial meeting..."
"More important than all of this, I think that we should talk about Kid..." Sid says.
"Nah, there's no witchin' way that you're a real superspy!" Arisa says. "Heeey, Risa, did you hear? Our customer here is like some sort of witchin' James Bond or something..."
"Why do you keep saying 'witchin this, witchin that'?" Spirit asks. Okay, explanation time! In Arisa's previous word bubbles, she was substituting the word majo ("witch") or maji ("really" or "truly"), so her speech ended up sounding like the way that the Smurfs talk, only stupider.
"Lately all the young witches have been saying 'witchin' instead of 'really'," Risa says. "It's witchin' popular right now."
"Huh. Are you witchin' me?" Spirit asks.
"Ah ha ha ha ha ha!" Arisa laughs. "Mr. Death Scythe, you're so witchin' flexible!"
"W... Witchin..." Sid says. "All right, but more important than that! Shinigami-sama, about the operation to rescue Kid..."
"Hey mister, why are you all blue?" Arisa asks.
"Huh? Blue? Well, a beautiful goddess stabbed me in the middle of my forehead, and I died." Oh lol. Wasn't that beautiful goddess actually Stein? (ETA: As
fey_blade and Anonymous pointed out in the comments, Sid's "beautiful goddess" line is actually a reference to the fact that Stein stabbed him with a Statue of Liberty figurine. Oops, forgot about that detail!)"Eeeeeeeh?! So you're a zombie?! Wow!!"
Meanwhile, Blair is flirting with Sid's killer. "Here's a light, Professor."
"Thank you."
I want that lighter.
"Didn't you quit smoking?" Spirit asks.
"Oh, I quit quitting," Stein says. "I originally quit smoking because I thought it would help me stay saner. But then I just felt irritated all the time, and then I started wanting to cut things..."
"Self-restraint is bad!" Blair quips.
"Self-restraint is bad..." Stein agrees. Witches... Huh...
"Ladies..." Stein says, turning toward the witches, his face all creepy and dark, "Next time won't you do me the pleasure of visiting me in my research laboratory?"
"Eh?! Aren't you being too bold?!" Yeah, really. Memo to Stein: DON'T INVITE HOSTESS GIRLS HOME. That's like, super-rude, you know. It's a horrible breach of hostess club etiquette.
Dissecting witches is super-rude too, but whatever.
"DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T GO!!" Spirit warns the witches. "HE'S GOING TO DISSECT YOU!!"
"Oooh, what should I do...?" Arisa wonders. "I mean, I'll be fine as long as I still have at least one kidney..."
Meanwhile, Risa is putting the moves on God. "Shinigami-sama... You're wearing that Funny Face mask all the time, I had no idea that you had any interest in a place like this all along."
"No, no, that's not it..."
Meanwhile, Nygus and Marie are standing back and watching the festivities. Marie turns to leave. "Ah, Marie..." Nygus says.
"I'm going home!!"
Outside the Death Room! Maka and Soul are still lurking in half-assed ninja mode. "Marie-sense just came out..." Maka says. Wow, they're really getting a lot of use out of the Captain Obvious Hat in this chapter, aren't they? "She looks really angry, but... It seems like they should have been having a really important meeting. I bet that Papa might even be showing his serious face for once..."
Nah, that's totally not true.
Caption: NAH, THAT'S TOTALLY NOT TRUE.
"Hey, Maka..." Soul says. "Let's stop doing all this stupid sneaking around and go home already."
"Why quit now?" Maka says. "It's like I'm the heroine in a mystery novel! I'm having fun, so there!"
"Oh my God, you are such a nerd-- OW!"
Maka suddenly jerks her head up, smashing Soul's face with the top of her skull.
"MY WONDERFUL SELF HAS RETURNED!!" Black Star exclaims, appearing out of nowhere with Tsubaki by his side.
"Tsubaki-chan and Black Star just showed up..." Maka says. Damn, girl, you really like wearing that Captain Obvious Hat, don't you?
"Oh," Tsubaki says, when she sees the "CLOSE" sign. "It says that we can't go in right now."
But Black Star laughs at God's puny Engrish signs! He laughs, and he then kicks the door in.
"YOU JUST KICKED THE DOOR IN!!" Tsubaki exclaims. I guess she just stole the hat from Maka, then.
"I am the man who can pass through any door! Stupid signs like that have nothing to do with me!"
"Should we follow them?" Soul asks Maka.
"Making a big splashy entrance with them would be so boring," Maka says. "We should keep sneaking around secretly like we've been doing!"
"...I have no idea what you think the point of this is anymore..."
Meanwhile, behind them! Waffles 2.0 is back. Maka is aware of her presence, though. Geez... What's up with that girl...? She's been sneaking around behind us this whole time. Doesn't she realize that because of my soul perception I already KNOW that she's there...?
Meanwhile, back in the PARTY ROOM!
"Um, about Kid..." Sid tries. "About Kid..."
Big Daddy is having the same reaction. "M... My..." His word bubbles get louder. "My son..."
Speaking of Baby T-Rex!
"I would have never guessed that this is what it would take to actually hurt you..." Waffles says, taking extra care to rape innocent punctuation as he does so, because he is just that much of a psychopath. "Now look, I just tore off one of your sleeves." Waffles's face looks eeeeeeevil. "But only one..."
Hoshit, he's on a rampage! Quick, somebody alert the Department of Homeland Security!
Severe Condition (Waffles). A Severe Condition reflects a severe risk of cannon fodder bishounen attacks. Under most circumstances, the Protective Measures for a Waffles Condition are not intended to be sustained for substantial periods of time. In addition to the Protective Measures in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments and agencies also should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:
1. DUCK AND COVER.
2. CALL CHRIS HANSEN.
3. SCREAM AND CRY ABOUT ASYMMETRY. A LOT.
Waffles whips out his marker and prepares to do some more torturin'.
"Somebody... please... save me..." Kid whimpers.
Sorry, Kid. Spirit is horny and nobody cares about you.
Back in the PARTY ROOM! Oh FUCK YEAH killer butterflies! And flying pumpkins! Dude this is seriously like the BEST PARTY EVAAAAAAAAR except for the whole thing about how Kid is a Prisoner of War and being unspeakably tortured right this very minute and nobody seems to give a flying fuck--
"This is..." Holy crap, Big Daddy's mask is sweating. His mask is sweating.
And then he makes the angry face.
I think the Department of Homeland Security needs to raise the threat level again. Threat level WAFFLES isn't nearly a drastic enough description of the danger when Big Daddy's face makes that expression.
I think it's time for Threat Level MATE DE COCA.
Apocalyptic Condition (Mate de Coca). God is going to smite a bitch.
1. There is nothing that you can do about this.
2. God is going to smite a bitch.
3. Seriously, just give up now. Don't even bother to hoard canned food or duck and cover under your desks or stock up on guns and ammunition in order to survive the inevitable zombie apocalypse afterwards.
4. You're fucked.
5. Enjoy the apocalypse.
And smite God does.
"CUT. IT. OUT. NOW!!"
Holy crap, you can apparently hear that all across the state of Nevada.
"Ugh," Arisa says, wincing.
"Nya," Blair says, looking shocked.
"Hnn!" Risa flinches, probably because her ear drums just burst.
"I'M SORRY!" Spirit shouts.
"Impressive reaction time," Nygus comments. LOL.
A double-edged panel indicates a time skip of several moments. "Eeeeeeeee?!" Risa and Arisa shout. "You mean that you DIDN'T bring us here to entertain Shinigami-sama?!"
"Of course not," Shinigami-sama says. "Do you want me to chop you?"
"But that's what Spirit-san told us," Risa says.
Oh, busted.
One concussion later, Spirit is back up and trying to defend himself. "It's not like that!!" he says. "I have a reason for all of this, I swear!!" He goes on. "After Kishin Asura was revived, we had the Brew battle, then everything that happened at Baba Yaga's Castle, and we haven't even had a single moment to stop and catch our breaths... I understand how you must be feeling, with your own child stolen away from you... But I thought that maybe I could make you forget about all of that for at least one moment..."
Well, I kind of got the impression that Shinigami-sama was doing a good enough job forgetting all about his son during the previous ten chapters, but that's just me.
Shinigami-sama's mask makes a sad face at Spirit. "But now you're the one who's forgotten all about my son," he says.
"Well~~, you can't really blame me for that, not when there's so much delicious sake here--"
--and now Spirit has his third concussion for the evening.
Big Daddy turns his attention to the witches. "The reason that I invited you three here today is because I'd like to request your help in the matter of rescuing Kid."
Risa, Arisa, and Blair stand at attention.
"As for you two witches... You don't have to accept this undertaking, but... Let's make a deal."
Risa and Arisa look nervous.
"You could spend the rest of your lives rotting in a jail..." Sid says. "Or you could go back to work at your hostess club... It's your choice."
Semantic nitpick: That is not a choice. At least not in any meaningful sense of the word.
"Either way that you choose," Stein adds, "you still won't have complete freedom."
"But... What exactly do you want us to do for you...?"
"Kid is trapped within a certain book," Shinigami-sama explains. "It's a tome of black magic, called the 'Book of Eibon.' You're witches, so you must have heard of it, haven't you? The truth is, however, that there exists a copy of the Book of Eibon. I want you to use your magic to link together the insides of the copied book with the insides of the book that Kid is trapped within."
"Such a delicate magical operation..." Arisa says. "There's no way that we can do something like that..."
"HEY LOOK SHINIGAMI-DUDE I BROUGHT YOU A FROG!!" Black Star says, suddenly appearing out of nowhere to smash a frog into Shinigami's face.
Not surprisingly, God is not pleased about suddenly getting a faceful of frog-crotch.
Dammit Black Star, aren't you paying attention to the Department of Homeland Security's threat level warnings?! This is NOT the time to go interrupting God in the middle of an important speech just so that you can rub a frog's vagina on his face!!
One well-deserved smiting later, Eruka finally realizes whose face she was just rubbing her crotch all over. "Shi... Shi... Shi... Shini... Shinigami-sama..."
"Huh?" Risa says. "Aren't you that witch who's good at calculations? Eruka or something?"
"Risa... Arisa..."
"Lamp technician Kim, reporting for duty!" Kim says, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. I guess that she just walked right through the door that Black Star kicked down. "Marie-sensei told me to come here."
"Oh, hey Kim!" Arisa says.
Kim and Eruka: "......"
Kim looks shocked. "Eh? Why are all of you guys here...? Are you witchin' me?!"
"OMG you guys were right," Spirit says, as Risa and Arisa give him a thumbs-up.
"Stein-kun..." Shinigami-sama says, "Have you brought news regarding the culprit who stole the copy of the Book of Eibon?"
"I have."
Whoa whoa whoa waitaminute. "Stole" the copy of the Book of Eibon? I think you mean "checked out" the copy of the Book of Eibon because you idiots LEFT IT IN YOUR FREAKIN' SCHOOL LIBRARY where ANYBODY with staff-level security clearance could have gotten to it. Morons.
(I know that Kid thought it was Medusa who checked out the book, but I'm willing to bet that the shocking twist here will be that it was Maka who checked it out instead. I think we've gotten enough hints toward that end.)
Okay, blah blah blah stalker girl. Oh my god, look at her hair. I bet she's a weapon who wants to partner with Maka, not a technician who wants to partner with Soul. I hope she's like a totally sweet pair of nunchaku. That would be awesome. Lesbian nunchaku!
Moving on. Back to Waffles.
Holy shit. He's... he's...
He's tickle-torturing Kid. Oh my god. COULD THIS GET ANY KINKIER?!
"You like that, just on the right side?!"
"IF YOU'RE DOING TO MOLEST ME, THEN MOLEST ME ON BOTH SIDES, DAMMIT!!"
"AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
And then, doom.
Oh, thank you, Ohkubo. I was afraid that we were never going to get another genuinely scary Hello, Clarice moment out of Noah. "You've gone too far, Gopher..." Noah says. Then he turns to Kid. "Aa~~ Aa~~ My poor collectible has ended up like this..."
"Ah... Ah..." Kid says when Noah touches his chin.
Yeah, I, uh. I got nothing. Kinkier and kinkier.
"I'm confiscating this thing right now," Noah tells Gopher. "What are you doing?! Hurry up and do something to relieve my foul mood... Go make some tea and come back here right away!
"Yes!"
Waffles leaps into action. Kid gets eaten by a book, again. "Honestly..." Noah sighs.
You know, it's a good thing that Noah put Kid back in the book, or else Shinigami-sama's plan to link together the insides of the two books in order to get Kid out would be totally pointless! Thank you, Noah! Or rather, thank you, Waffles-tan.
Inside the book, Kid is like noooooo my asymmetry, so he rips off his other sleeve, wipes the ink off his face with it, then looks around.
"I guess I'm inside the book again..."
Kid, you look very silly wearing the Captain Obvious Hat. Also, you look very silly in a sleeveless shirt.
"It looks like I can't access or rearrange the rest of his stuff this time, either," Kid comments. "It feels like he stuck me somewhere really deep inside the book."
And then stuff happens.
"What... What's this disgusting wavelength...?"
It's something asymmetrical, that's what it is.
"Noah, you bastard... You were hiding something like this inside your book... If this thing somehow got out of the book, that would be bad news... Somebody... Hurry up and get me out of here..."
Dude, Kid, what are you talking about? I dunno about you, but ink!Cthulu looks like a pretty cool dude to be hanging out with! Why don't you go on over there and give him a hug?
And that's it for this chapter - or rather, these chapters (WTF, Ohkubo?) - this month. Next month: Moar frog molestation! Moar, moar!
Notes and addendum: Mate de coca is a tea made from the leaves of the coca plant, which is also used to make cocaine.
Edited to add: Why yes, I did indeed just waste a golden opportunity to make a Zhothaqquah joke. I fail at recapping forever.
Edited again: AHEM.
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