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Soul Eater Chapter 95: And then all of a sudden, there's a sex cannon. Well, why not?
In this month's Not! Ohkubo decided to change the spelling of Anya's name again. No, that's not something that Yen Press changed for the English release and yes, the title page looks exactly like that in this month's GanGan too. Welp.
Meanwhile, in this month's Soul Eater chapter, EVERYBODY IS AN IDIOT except for Black Star. And how often does that happen?!
So, we begin right where we left off last month: just outside the moon's nostril.
Akane and Clay are just standing there and staring at Noah and Gopher, unsure how to react to this sudden plot fuckery. Noah and Gopher are just standing there and staring at Akane and Clay, unsure how to react to this sudden plot fuckery.
Noah breaks the silence first. "IF YOU'RE GONNA TRY AND STOP ME, THEN BRING IT OOOOOOONNNNNN!!"
Akane's like, really?
But Gopher suddenly panics, clamping his hands over Noah's mouth. "NOAH-SAMA! If you yell like that, somebody down there is going to notice us!!"
Down there, of course, referring to the epic Shibusen-versus-Clown battle going on all over the moon's chin.
Noah punches Gopher in the skull as retaliation for this act of insubordination. "I KNOW THAT!!"
Meanwhile, Akane finally decides that maybe he should try to actually, you know, do something about this, instead of just standing around and making silly faces. "Clay. Change into a sword."
"Got it." Somehow I have the sneaking suspicion that this is going to be Clay's only line of dialogue for the entire chapter. Possibly for the next several chapters, too.
So Akane grabs his giant sword, assumes a fighting stance, and then!
Noah walks right past him.
"I don't have time to deal with little shits from Shibusen right now," Noah says, striding straight into the moon's nose. "Come on, Gopher."
"Yes!"
Oh my god. Akane, you just got RE-JECT-ED by the crappiest villain in this entire franchise.
Akane is understandably pissed. "Wait!!" But if I cause a ruckus fighting these guys out here, the clowns down below will notice, and Sid-sensei's stealthy entrance will be ruined... But... I can't leave those two alone to do as they please, either...
Guess I have no choice...
Akane swings Clay over his shoulder and starts to follow Noah and Gopher into the nostril.
Noah immediately notices, and proceeds to flip his shit. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU FOLLOWIN' ME FOR!! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!! THIS IS PISSING ME OFF!!"
Gopher tries in vain to quiet Noah down again. "They're going to hear us, they're going to hear us!"
"D... Dammit!!" Noah snarls. His shoulders raise into perfect triangles. "My ire's getting all raised up and my shoulders are too!!"
"Like when I get mad and the corners of my mouth go down!" Gopher says. He eagerly forms his mouth into a < .
Somehow... I feel like I'm supporting him this way... "U fu." Gopher blushes as the corners of his mouth turn up into a weird kinda-sorta smile.
"GOPHER, YOU LITTLE FUCK! THE CORNERS OF YOUR MOUTH JUST WENT UP, DIDN'T THEY!!"
Noah kicks Gopher in the head. Gopher blushes and gasps with pleasure as he goes down. "Aaaan!"
While Noah kicks Gopher around, Akane apparently decides that this spectacle is too stupid to bear watching anymore. So he turns toward the interior of the nostril, where darkness lurks and eyeballs are starting to crawl toward him.
"Kishin Asura is straight ahead of us..."
SUDDENLY, AMIGARA FAULT!!
Akane recovers a moment later. "So that's the kishin's insanity... It's the largest wave of insanity I've ever felt... A soul wavelength that can drive people to insanity..." And it seems to go on forever... Is there really no way to end this insanity?!
Meanwhile, Kid is fighting clowns!
And totally surrounded and outnumbered.
So Kid does what he does best: a dick move.
He grabs one of the female clowns with big breasts and holds her in front of his body, using her as ashield hostage.
Except that the other clowns don't give a shit so they immediately shoot her to ribbons.
Kid dodges out of the way just in time. "They don't even hesitate to attack one of their own..."
Suddenly, sinister smiley faces! "What's the big deal about losing one here or one there?"
You'd think that Kid would have figured this out by now, given what happened last chapter, but no, he's an idiot, and within moments the smiley-face clowns have him tied up and then a GIANT CLOWN shows up to punch him all over the moon and back again.
Kid's reaction to all of this? "Dammit!!"
Yeah, he's not even hurt.
I'd like to note that this is the exact same way that the mummy attacked Kid way back in the prequel chapters of the manga, and it didn't work back then so it's certainly not going to work now.
But what do these clowns know about that? Nothing. "Keep hitting him hard, boys!" another White Rabbit shouts, leading more clowns in a charge against Kid.
So Kid has had enough of this bullshit, and decides that it's time to make his hair start glowing.
FIRST LINE OF SANZU, CONNECT!
So Kid spends the next three pages wasting clowns left and right, including the giant one that punched him. Kaguya is watching this with interest until the clown standing right next to her suddenly has ITS HEAD BLOWN OFF.
"Nice shot," Patti says.
"They're still no match for Kid," Liz says.
Kid smirks at Kaguya. "What's wrong? Are the next troops that you summon going to be this weak, too?"
Meanwhile, Spirit is doing stuff, too!
And thinking through a lot of IMPORTANT EXPOSITION while he's busy killing clowns. This battle has to cause Kid to awaken and connect all three Lines of Sanzu. If Kid can't connect all three lines and awaken as a true shinigami, then we have no hope of winning against the kishin...
Welp, there you have it! Spoilers for the next thirty or so chapters. Because that is probably how long it's going to take before this ridiculous moon battle is finished.
Meanwhile, Deng and his yet-unnamed meister are slaying giants!
"RAINBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!"
Suddenly, Djinn! "Now's our chance, Zubaydah!"
"Got it!!"
And...
Oh my god. Holy shit. That form.
"THE LOVERS!!"
And, BOOM.
No more giant clown.
Meanwhile, Kid is still facing down Kaguya. "You're a foolish clown... And I hope you're ready to meet your end."
But Kaguya just laughs again.
Aaaaaaaand more clowns spring up out of the ground.
"Didn't I already explain this to you?" Kaguya says. YES. YES, SHE DID. She explained it several times in the previous chapter, in fact, and it was kind of HARD TO MISS what with all of those BAMBOO PUNS and all. Jesus skateboarding Christ, Kid is such a fucking idiot. "And no word that I speak is ever a lie," Kaguya goes on. "Kishin-sama's insanity is unending... the same as your lust to see my naked body..."
"So what are we going to do?" Liz asks Kid. "There's no end to them..."
"Just keep fighting against us until you're satisfied," Kaguya suggests. "No matter how much you fight it, all people fall into insanity eventually."
Meanwhile!
Wait, the giant clown DIDN'T blow up?!
Nope, it's still there. Or maybe it did blow up but then it regenerated the same as the rest of the clowns?
Zubaydah and that meister with no name (argh!) stare up at it, horrified. "How can this be...?"
Meanwhile, Stein's perspective! EVERYBODY IS BIRTHDAY CANDLES.
Oh, Jesus.
"Ha ha ha!!" Stein laughs. "Pretty dolls that go on forever and ever! This is AWESOME!! I can keep breaking them apart forever!!"
Meanwhile, Justin is chanting a perverted version of a Shinto purification ritual. "Corruption, corruption, betide we now insanity, prune all the unworthy and in the coming era despair awaits."
Meanwhile, in Italy!
"Did you find Crona yet, Maka?" Black Star asks. "Aren't we close?"
"Mm... No... I don't know. There's too many people around here."
Black Star turns away from her. "Okay..."
Wait, why is Maka trying to use her power to find Crona when she already concluded FIVE CHAPTERS AGO that Crona was waiting for them inside the Basilica di Santa Maria Novella?
I guess the answer is: The same reason why Harvar and Kim were previously still arguing about whether they should disobey Shinigami-sama's orders or not even though GOD'S SON HIMSELF had already told the entire Spartoi team point-blank that Big Daddy WANTED them to DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES whether Crona needed to be executed or not. In short, because Ohkubo is stalling, that's why.
But hey, at least all of these pointless delays are giving some of the Spartoi members other than Maka a chance for some panel-time.
"Let's split up and search," Ox suggests.
Kim and Jackie go off in one direction, Ox and Harvar in another, while Black Star and Tsubaki linger behind to talk to Maka and Soul.
"Maka..." Soul says.
"I know." She turns to Black Star. "If all of us show up at once, it will be too much for Crona to handle... I'll be okay on my own."
"If anything happens, call me right away," Black Star says.
Tsubaki gives Maka a thumbs-up.
"Crona's definitely there..." Black Star says. "Basilica di Santa Maria Novella."
Heeeeeey, it looks like Ohkubo wasn't stalling after all! Maka was the one that was deliberately stalling the rest of her team all along.
Ohkubo, you magnificent bastard, you.
(What, no, I'm not embarrassed that Black Star figured this all out before I did. Nope. Not embarrassed in the slightest. (*cough*))
So, later! At the Basilica di Santa Maria Novella!
DRAMATIC BELLS!!
Maka places her hand against the front door. "On the other side of this door, I can feel Crona..."
Crona....................................................................................!!
No, I am not kidding. Those are eighty-four periods and that is exactly the same number that Ohkubo used on page 61 of this month's issue of Shounen GanGan. I know because I counted.
Maka pushes open the door.
Crona stands there, waiting for her.
"Crona..." Maka says.
Crona stares at Maka. "Who? Who are you...?"
To be continued next month, and with a color page on top! (Yay!)
Meanwhile, in this month's Soul Eater chapter, EVERYBODY IS AN IDIOT except for Black Star. And how often does that happen?!
So, we begin right where we left off last month: just outside the moon's nostril.
Akane and Clay are just standing there and staring at Noah and Gopher, unsure how to react to this sudden plot fuckery. Noah and Gopher are just standing there and staring at Akane and Clay, unsure how to react to this sudden plot fuckery.
Noah breaks the silence first. "IF YOU'RE GONNA TRY AND STOP ME, THEN BRING IT OOOOOOONNNNNN!!"
Akane's like, really?
But Gopher suddenly panics, clamping his hands over Noah's mouth. "NOAH-SAMA! If you yell like that, somebody down there is going to notice us!!"
Down there, of course, referring to the epic Shibusen-versus-Clown battle going on all over the moon's chin.
Noah punches Gopher in the skull as retaliation for this act of insubordination. "I KNOW THAT!!"
Meanwhile, Akane finally decides that maybe he should try to actually, you know, do something about this, instead of just standing around and making silly faces. "Clay. Change into a sword."
"Got it." Somehow I have the sneaking suspicion that this is going to be Clay's only line of dialogue for the entire chapter. Possibly for the next several chapters, too.
So Akane grabs his giant sword, assumes a fighting stance, and then!
Noah walks right past him.
"I don't have time to deal with little shits from Shibusen right now," Noah says, striding straight into the moon's nose. "Come on, Gopher."
"Yes!"
Oh my god. Akane, you just got RE-JECT-ED by the crappiest villain in this entire franchise.
Akane is understandably pissed. "Wait!!" But if I cause a ruckus fighting these guys out here, the clowns down below will notice, and Sid-sensei's stealthy entrance will be ruined... But... I can't leave those two alone to do as they please, either...
Guess I have no choice...
Akane swings Clay over his shoulder and starts to follow Noah and Gopher into the nostril.
Noah immediately notices, and proceeds to flip his shit. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU FOLLOWIN' ME FOR!! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!! THIS IS PISSING ME OFF!!"
Gopher tries in vain to quiet Noah down again. "They're going to hear us, they're going to hear us!"
"D... Dammit!!" Noah snarls. His shoulders raise into perfect triangles. "My ire's getting all raised up and my shoulders are too!!"
"Like when I get mad and the corners of my mouth go down!" Gopher says. He eagerly forms his mouth into a < .
Somehow... I feel like I'm supporting him this way... "U fu." Gopher blushes as the corners of his mouth turn up into a weird kinda-sorta smile.
"GOPHER, YOU LITTLE FUCK! THE CORNERS OF YOUR MOUTH JUST WENT UP, DIDN'T THEY!!"
Noah kicks Gopher in the head. Gopher blushes and gasps with pleasure as he goes down. "Aaaan!"
While Noah kicks Gopher around, Akane apparently decides that this spectacle is too stupid to bear watching anymore. So he turns toward the interior of the nostril, where darkness lurks and eyeballs are starting to crawl toward him.
"Kishin Asura is straight ahead of us..."
SUDDENLY, AMIGARA FAULT!!
Akane recovers a moment later. "So that's the kishin's insanity... It's the largest wave of insanity I've ever felt... A soul wavelength that can drive people to insanity..." And it seems to go on forever... Is there really no way to end this insanity?!
Meanwhile, Kid is fighting clowns!
And totally surrounded and outnumbered.
So Kid does what he does best: a dick move.
He grabs one of the female clowns with big breasts and holds her in front of his body, using her as a
Except that the other clowns don't give a shit so they immediately shoot her to ribbons.
Kid dodges out of the way just in time. "They don't even hesitate to attack one of their own..."
Suddenly, sinister smiley faces! "What's the big deal about losing one here or one there?"
You'd think that Kid would have figured this out by now, given what happened last chapter, but no, he's an idiot, and within moments the smiley-face clowns have him tied up and then a GIANT CLOWN shows up to punch him all over the moon and back again.
Kid's reaction to all of this? "Dammit!!"
Yeah, he's not even hurt.
I'd like to note that this is the exact same way that the mummy attacked Kid way back in the prequel chapters of the manga, and it didn't work back then so it's certainly not going to work now.
But what do these clowns know about that? Nothing. "Keep hitting him hard, boys!" another White Rabbit shouts, leading more clowns in a charge against Kid.
So Kid has had enough of this bullshit, and decides that it's time to make his hair start glowing.
FIRST LINE OF SANZU, CONNECT!
So Kid spends the next three pages wasting clowns left and right, including the giant one that punched him. Kaguya is watching this with interest until the clown standing right next to her suddenly has ITS HEAD BLOWN OFF.
"Nice shot," Patti says.
"They're still no match for Kid," Liz says.
Kid smirks at Kaguya. "What's wrong? Are the next troops that you summon going to be this weak, too?"
Meanwhile, Spirit is doing stuff, too!
And thinking through a lot of IMPORTANT EXPOSITION while he's busy killing clowns. This battle has to cause Kid to awaken and connect all three Lines of Sanzu. If Kid can't connect all three lines and awaken as a true shinigami, then we have no hope of winning against the kishin...
Welp, there you have it! Spoilers for the next thirty or so chapters. Because that is probably how long it's going to take before this ridiculous moon battle is finished.
Meanwhile, Deng and his yet-unnamed meister are slaying giants!
"RAINBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!"
Suddenly, Djinn! "Now's our chance, Zubaydah!"
"Got it!!"
And...
Oh my god. Holy shit. That form.
"THE LOVERS!!"
And, BOOM.
No more giant clown.
Meanwhile, Kid is still facing down Kaguya. "You're a foolish clown... And I hope you're ready to meet your end."
But Kaguya just laughs again.
Aaaaaaaand more clowns spring up out of the ground.
"Didn't I already explain this to you?" Kaguya says. YES. YES, SHE DID. She explained it several times in the previous chapter, in fact, and it was kind of HARD TO MISS what with all of those BAMBOO PUNS and all. Jesus skateboarding Christ, Kid is such a fucking idiot. "And no word that I speak is ever a lie," Kaguya goes on. "Kishin-sama's insanity is unending... the same as your lust to see my naked body..."
"So what are we going to do?" Liz asks Kid. "There's no end to them..."
"Just keep fighting against us until you're satisfied," Kaguya suggests. "No matter how much you fight it, all people fall into insanity eventually."
Meanwhile!
Wait, the giant clown DIDN'T blow up?!
Nope, it's still there. Or maybe it did blow up but then it regenerated the same as the rest of the clowns?
Zubaydah and that meister with no name (argh!) stare up at it, horrified. "How can this be...?"
Meanwhile, Stein's perspective! EVERYBODY IS BIRTHDAY CANDLES.
Oh, Jesus.
"Ha ha ha!!" Stein laughs. "Pretty dolls that go on forever and ever! This is AWESOME!! I can keep breaking them apart forever!!"
Meanwhile, Justin is chanting a perverted version of a Shinto purification ritual. "Corruption, corruption, betide we now insanity, prune all the unworthy and in the coming era despair awaits."
Meanwhile, in Italy!
"Did you find Crona yet, Maka?" Black Star asks. "Aren't we close?"
"Mm... No... I don't know. There's too many people around here."
Black Star turns away from her. "Okay..."
Wait, why is Maka trying to use her power to find Crona when she already concluded FIVE CHAPTERS AGO that Crona was waiting for them inside the Basilica di Santa Maria Novella?
I guess the answer is: The same reason why Harvar and Kim were previously still arguing about whether they should disobey Shinigami-sama's orders or not even though GOD'S SON HIMSELF had already told the entire Spartoi team point-blank that Big Daddy WANTED them to DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES whether Crona needed to be executed or not. In short, because Ohkubo is stalling, that's why.
But hey, at least all of these pointless delays are giving some of the Spartoi members other than Maka a chance for some panel-time.
"Let's split up and search," Ox suggests.
Kim and Jackie go off in one direction, Ox and Harvar in another, while Black Star and Tsubaki linger behind to talk to Maka and Soul.
"Maka..." Soul says.
"I know." She turns to Black Star. "If all of us show up at once, it will be too much for Crona to handle... I'll be okay on my own."
"If anything happens, call me right away," Black Star says.
Tsubaki gives Maka a thumbs-up.
"Crona's definitely there..." Black Star says. "Basilica di Santa Maria Novella."
Heeeeeey, it looks like Ohkubo wasn't stalling after all! Maka was the one that was deliberately stalling the rest of her team all along.
Ohkubo, you magnificent bastard, you.
(What, no, I'm not embarrassed that Black Star figured this all out before I did. Nope. Not embarrassed in the slightest. (*cough*))
So, later! At the Basilica di Santa Maria Novella!
DRAMATIC BELLS!!
Maka places her hand against the front door. "On the other side of this door, I can feel Crona..."
Crona....................................................................................!!
No, I am not kidding. Those are eighty-four periods and that is exactly the same number that Ohkubo used on page 61 of this month's issue of Shounen GanGan. I know because I counted.
Maka pushes open the door.
Crona stands there, waiting for her.
"Crona..." Maka says.
Crona stares at Maka. "Who? Who are you...?"
To be continued next month, and with a color page on top! (Yay!)