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Soul Eater Not! Chapter 01: "IT TASTES LIKE AMERICA."
So we open with a girl climbing steps. A helluva lot of stops. "How far up do these stairs go?!" she gasps. "Wait, do I have to climb all the way up to the realm where only shinigami live....?! No way... I still can't even see the top... I dunno if I'm ever gonna make it to school at all..."
CHAPTER ONE: MATRICULATION!
And the poor girl is still gasping on the stairs. "Huuuuuuh.... Huuuuuuuh..." Hello. I'm just a fourteen-year-old girl who likes romance and stuff, Harudori Tsugumi... Yep, that girl on the stairs is me...
Even the sun is exhausted by Tsugumi's ordeal. Beneath this blazing sun, in the middle of this vast desert, is one tiny little oasis... This is America all right. Specifically, the State of Nevada. Tsugumi gasps for air some more. Via Death Vegas I've come all the way here to Death City.
"Oasis," she gasps. "Some oasis this is! I'm dying of thirst already."
She goes on. "I knew that there was gonna be a long staircase in front of the school. The pamphlet even said that I was supposed to build up my leg strength before I got here. But I didn't think that I would come all the way here from Japan just to end up dying before I even reached the school!"
And while Tsugumi is busy having a combination stroke/pity-party on the stairs, all of a sudden, whoosh! There goes Maka running right by her, not even breaking a sweat.
Amazing! Tsugumi think-bubbles. She's running up these steps without even breathing hard...
Maka turns around and makes COURAGE FISTS at Tsugumi. "Just a little bit further!" Maka says. "You can do it!!"
Tsugumi stares at her.
"See you later!!" Maka says, and continues running.
"Th... Thank you very much," Tsugumi says. Then she stares up the stairs and ponders aloud, "I wonder if that girl was a student at this school...?" Just like I thought! This is a school for the world's heroes! Amazing people are just gonna keep appearing one after another!! "Wa---! She's so cool---!"
So Tsugumi immediately puts her hair up in ponytails, imitating Maka. "Just a little bit further! Yo~~~~shi!!"
And one blazing sun panel later, Tsugumi has made it! "My... My knees are screaming at me!" she says with a forced smile. "Hey, knees! You think this is funny? Even if my chopsticks year over you're still gonna laugh then? WA HA WA HA HA HA HA!"
Yeah, I think that somebody miiiiiiight be suffering from a bit of heatstroke. Also, because Tsugumi is incoherent she substituted the word hashi (chopsticks) for ashi (legs), and substituted the word otoshi (year) for another otoshi (fall over).
Anyway, Tsugumi's knees finally give out, and she faceplants right into the ground. "I MADE IT," she declares to the ground. I think I might have a bit of a "stair-climber's high" right now---...
Well that's one way of putting it.
Tsugumi lifts up her head and sees that somebody has left a can of Death Pepper and a note on the ground in front of her. "Soda and a letter?" she says, stating the obvious as she stands up and holds both in her hands.
The letter has a drawing of Maka's face. "This is from that senpai that spoke to me?"
And a message: " 'Welcome to Shibusen!! Now turn around!' Turn around?"
Tsugumi turns around.
Wow. Now that is a nicely photoshopped landscape.
Mom, Dad, Big brother, can you see this? This is Death City! "And this is..." The school that I will be attending from now on, Shinigami Buki Shokunin Senmon Gakkou: "Shibusen"!
So Tsugumi takes a huge gulp of her drink. And immediately starts flailing. "What kind of a weird flavor is this?! IT TASTES LIKE AMERICA---!!" I think I might be under a little bit more stress than usual right now.
Tsugumi walks into the school and looks around at the other students. She sees a boy talking to his shortsword. "We made a good combination, didn't we?" The sword answers back: "We sure did. I'm not going to forget about you easily."
"That weapon is talking..." Tsugumi says. "That weapon... Is a person..."
Then she starts scrambling for her pamphlet. "Um, um, pamphlet, pamphlet..."
Shinigami Buki Shokunin Senmon Gakkou, colloquially known as "Shibusen"---....
What, even the pamphlet abuses punctuation?
is supported by taxes from all over the world... This school is attended by both weapons and meisters, and responsible for protecting world peace. In other words--- It is a school for training heroes!
Oh, never mind. The next few pages make it clear that these boxes are Tsugumi's narration, not the text of the pamphlet itself. Which is disappointing because in my head I can totally imagine Shinigami-sama himself writing a pamphlet with text like this and it is glorious. Especially if some poor soul like Spirit had ever been stuck with the duty of attempting to edit this grammatically disasterous, bizzarely-punctuated drivel written by God Himself.
Anyway, back to more Tsugumi narration! Which unfortunately is not actually the text of a pamphlet written by a lunatic god. In other words, those trained at Shibusen are like international civil servants! I guess you could say that.
More narration. What they call "weapons" here are actually humans who can transform into weapons. And "meisters" are soldiers who use those weapons to fight...
"New students... This way..." Tsugumi reads a sign.
Popular weapons and meisters can even get sponsorship contracts and stuff! Cue a random panel of Kirikou mugging for the readers. "I'm only using the money from this to help develop my home country!" he assures us. Boy I sure hope that whatever brand he's endorsing doesn't use sweatshop labor or whatever. These aren't just the world's heroes, they're the world's heroes who can get wealth and honor!!
"Ummmm... Next... Turn right...? It's like a labyrinth in here... I'm gonna get lost..."
The truth is, I'm a weapon who can't transform yet. I haven't even managed to do it once...
In Japan, my friends at school were supportive...
"Harudori-san, you're going to Shibusen? That's awesome!"
"Y... Yeah..."
"This is your chance to live like a princess! You did it, Tsugumi!"
I heard that the ability to turn into a weapon is hereditary, but for me it felt like a random stroke of luck...
"I don't even have any guy-friends, so being treated like a princess would be..."
So many handsome guys would be competing for me all the time! "Will you do me the honor of being my partner?" Dream-Hunk Number One proposes to Tsugumi in her daydream. "No way, come an' fight with me!" Dream Hunk Number Two says.
And suddenly Tsugumi's wet dream is interrupted by a screaming ninja. "YOU'RE A HUNDRED YEARS TOO EARLY FOR ME!!" Black Star shouts, punching some random student so hard that he flies through the air at Tsugumi.
"I'M SORRY! I WAS DAYDREAMING TOO MUCH!! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!!"
"I'll kill you," Black Star says, glaring at her. Or not really at Tsugumi, but more like at whoever he just punched, although from Tsugumi's perspective it looks like he just threatened to kill her. Suddenly Black Star seems to realize that there's a girl in the path of his glare. "Oh hey, I ain't seen your face before! You new here? If you want my autograph I'll give ya one."
"EEEEEEEEK! I'M SORRY!!" Tsugumi runs away. I don't even have a fraction of a fighting ability like that!
And finally Tsugumi arrives at where she's supposed to be. "Welcome... New Students Reception. This is it!!"
Tsugumi enters the door. "Excuse me... I'm Harudori Tsugumi!"
"Are you a weapon or a meister?" Sid asks her.
"W... Weapon."
"All right. Put on this tag..."
Tsugumi looks around at the other students in the room. We have Moe Girl, Ojou-sama, Pouty Pretty-Face, and Kyouya Wannabe.
Tsugumi sticks on her nametag as a pair of students approach behind her. "Hey, hurry up," Meathead Student says. "It's gonna start."
"I know, I know," Meathead's partner says as he shoves Tsugumi out of his way.
Tsugumi stumbles and falls right into a pair of boobs that say "MEISTER" on them. In manga-land, THIS MEANS DESTINY.
So jealous... Tsugumi thinks as she falls. Oh my god. BRB, laughing forever at that.
"Good, it looks like we made it in time," Meathead's Partner comments, not even turning around to look at the girl that he just shoved. "Yup," Meathead agrees.
"I'm so sorry!" Tsugumi says as she climbs off the other girl. "Are you all right?"
"Y... Yes. Oh... My ribbon..."
"Here you go."
"Thank you!" Moe Girl ties her hair ribbon on top of her head.
"On top? Are you sure?" Tsugumi asks. "Didn't you have it tied on your left just a moment ago?"
"Oh, I did?" Moe Girls takes off her ribbon and re-ties it on the right side of her head. "Thank you very much!"
Tsugumi orally molests some ellipses. WELCOME TO HELL, TSUGUMI. I think you will find that abusing punctuation and being surrounded by idiots is par for the course in this manga.
"I'm Harudori Tsugumi," Tsugumi introduces herself.
"I... I forgot my name, but I'm very pleased to meet you!" Moe Girl says.
"You WHAT?!"
"Oh! It's MeMe. I just remembered."
"Well... Good for you..."
Meanwhile, Ojou-sama sighs and starts think-bubbling to herself. I ran away from my constrained life in that castle... And now even though I've entered the world of the common people... I may have made a terrible mistake. I applied to a convent but mistakenly enrolled in Shibusen instead... This 'special' school is nothing at all like what I imagined common life to be... I'm such a fool! There are far too many deranged characters among these students as well... What in the world am I doing here...?
Suddenly, Ojou-sama realizes that Tsugumi and MeMe are staring at her.
And as she stares at Tsugumi, she suddenly realizes. "There's a REAL commoner here!"
Oh my god, Tsugumi's face. Tsugumi bounces up and down obliviously while Ojou-sama think-bubbles, Wh... What... What in the world is wrong with this girl? I sense that there is nothing unusual about her. She has no special aura about her... But those pigtails... Is she wearing them merely as mimicry of someone else? The more that she makes that cute face, the more is just seems to bring out her boring normal-ness... Even if her act is forced, it certainly shows a strange political savvyness... I cannot help but think of her now as a "God of Commoners"!
Tsugumi realizes that she's being stared at. She looks back over at Ojou-sama, who immediately blushes and stutters, "This... This one... This is the one that I want..."
Tsugumi waves at her, apparently oblivious to what Ojou-sama just said. She's so beautiful, Tsugumi think-bubbles. She looks just like a real princess!
Ojou-sama pouts and turns her head away from Tsugumi.
Meanwhile, Sid is going to get things done! "So now that everyone's here, let's get started. I'm Sid, your instructor. You're here today so that I can finally see all of your faces for the first time. Today all of you weapons and meisters will also being pairing up and choosing your partners. However, choosing a partner is not a decision that you can make quickly. Please take your time to find a partner most compatabile to you."
"Pa... Pa..." Tsugumi stutters. "Partner?!"
"In the event that you are unable to decide upon a partner today, this weekend you will have the opportunity to do so during the 'Feeling Partner Game' that will be held concurrently with our weekly bingo tournament. By the way, that is also where I happened to have met my current partner." I assume he means at the "Feeling Partner Game", not at the bingo tournament. "Because that's the type of awkward man that I am." So maybe he did meet Nygus at the bingo tournament after all. Awesome.
"From this day forward we have a busy schedule planned for all of you. I am passing out printed copies of your schedule now; please take one and then pass the rest to the person behind you."
"Here you go," Tsugumi says, handing Ojou-sama a copy. Ojou-sama snatches it from her angrily.
Next! SUN, a panel informs us. But then we're back in the same classroom again? "That is all for today. You are dismissed."
As the other students leave, Sid suddenly looms over Tsugumi and comments ominously, "Those of you who were late today, be sure to make an effort to arrive in a more timely fashion tomorrow."
"Ooooo," Tsugumi says. Busted.
Outside of the classroom, Tsugumi sees Meathead and Partner walking in front of her. "So about partners..." Meathead says. "Watcha gonna do...?"
"I'm a weapon, so as long as I have a decent partner I don't really care, but... If my partner was a fellow dude, we'd have to live together in the boys' dormitory, you know? That's why a girl partner would be better. A girl partner would just be easier to handle, you know?"
Ugh, gross, Tsugumi thinks. I'd better be careful not to let myself get picked up by guys like that.
"Hey," Sexist Jerk says. "Check her out." He waves at MeMe. "Total hottie, and it looks like nobody's home. She'll be easy to seduce. Hi hi hi." Oh that's not a creepy giggle at all.
Jerkface approaches MeMe. "Hey, you're a meister, right? Wanna combinate with me?" Holy crap that is the WORST PICKUP LINE I HAVE EVER HEARD. "I may not look like it, but I'm actually a fuckin' amazing weapon!"
Suddenly Meathead spots Tsugumi glaring a them. "What're you lookin' at?"
"N... Nothing..."
So Tsugumi chickens out and runs away. Coward.
It's no use. I've been attending a normal school all my life... I thought that just by coming to Shibusen I would become a hero right away, but it's not like that at all... I'm sorry... MeMe-san... A real hero would...
Tsugumi stops running.
She remembers Maka.
"What would that senpai do?"
Well, the answer to that is obvious. So Tsugumi tightens up her pigtails and turns around, stomping back toward MeMe.
Jerkface has MeMe cornered and is leaning over her, leering at her. "Come on, it's no big deal. Let's combinate, baby."
Tsugumi dives in and grabs MeMe's hand, pulling her away. "Let's go!"
"Harudori-san...!"
Suddenly they're blocked by Meathead. Meathead squints down at Tsugumi and says, "He only invited her... We ain't interested in flat-chested girls."
Ojou-sama just happens to be walking by as Meathead continues. "No matter how much you grow up you ain't ever gonna have real boobs, are you?"
Ojou-sama think-bubbles, But those are Commoner-sized breasts. Common breasts! She jumps between Meathead and Tsugumi.
"Oh come on, what the hell's with you?" Meathead growls.
"We were just tryin' to invite her to partner with us," Jerkface says. "Get out of our way."
Ojou-sama places her hands on her hips. "You're animals," she declares.
"You tryin' to start a fight, bitch?!" Jerkface snarls. "This is Shibusen! You're way outta your league!"
"How very interesting," Ojou-sama says. "I accept your challenge."
"WH-WHAT?!" Tsugumi says.
"You said that your name was Harudori-san, correct? You are a weapon, aren't you? Please transform immediately."
"WH-WH-WHAAAAAT?!" Tsugumi says.
Ojou-sama takes off her "MEISTER" badge and flashes it at Tsugumi as if to say, this is what.
"Uh... But... I... I still can't transform yet."
Meanwhile, Pouty Pretty-Face and Kyouya Wannabe catch a glimpse of the brewing confrontation. "Hey," Pouty Pretty-Face says, stepping toward the others. But Kyouya Wannabe holds out his arm and holds the other boy back. "Let's just watch for now," he says.
Suddenly, Sid is there! "What now? Teen drama already? Well I that's just the type of school this is..."
"Shouldn't we stop them, Sid-sensei...?"
"I said, that's the type of school this is."
And then Jerkface transforms into a sword. Kind of. Not entirely. "HA, SUCK ON IT! I CAN ALREADY COMPLETELY TRANSFORM EVERY PART OF MYSELF 'CEPT FOR MY HEAD!!"
"That person just turned into a weapon!" Tsugumi exclaims. Well not entirely but okay close enough.
"You can do that too," Ojou-sama says, making with the epic eyeroll. "If you do not transform immediately then we will be defeated."
"But... I can't. It's not like I can do it all of a sudden just because you tell me to..."
Ojou-sama gives Tsugumi an EPIC GLARE. "I was always taught that commoners are supposed to be strong, hearty, burly people that know how to have fun and who have optimistic attitudes. But you're not like that at all. How very disappointing."
Tsugumi orally molests the ellipses of shame.
"VISUALIZE IT!" Sid suddenly shouts. "Visualize the sharp blade that's sleeping inside your soul! From this day forward you are a Shibusen student!! So fight!! Fight for the sake of the justice you believe in!!"
Tsugumi makes with the ellipses again. Visualize it...? "The blade that is sleeping inside of my soul," he said... But why did I come here in the first place...? That's right... I have to fight! Fight for the justice that I believe in!! I'm just a fourteen-year-old girl who likes romance and stuff, Harudori Tsugumi... And I'm a weapon!!
A page later, Ojou-sama is holding her new weapon. "I knew she could do it," Sid says.
Pretty-Face is trying in vain to see around Sid. "Sensei, please don't stand in front of--"
Kyouya Wannabe pushes Pretty-Face aside. "Oh... She's a halberd!"
"This is... me...?" Tsugumi says.
"HERE WE GO!" Ojou-sama says, charging at Meathead.
Aaaaaaand the fight is over with in ONE BLOW. Awesome.
"We got two injured people here," Sid tells the students who have gathered to watch. (Kim and Jackie are with them now!) "Somebody go to the nurse's office and tell Medusa-sensei to come here."
"Okay, I'm going," Pretty-Face volunteers.
Meanwhile, Tsugumi changes back into her human form. "Thank you, Harudori-san," MeMe says.
"No no," Tsugumi says, "I was the one getting rescued, too. The one that we really should thank is..." Tsugumi turns and looks at Ojou-sama expectantly.
"I am Anya," Anya finally says.
"THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH, ANYA-SAN!"
Then MeMe says, "Um... Harudori-san... I have a favor to ask you. I... I know that people say I'm stupid, and I lose my memories a lot, and I might cause you a lot of trouble, but, will you please be my partner?"
"Eh... me? If you really want me to, then I'd be happy to be your partner!" Then Tsugumi turns her head and sees Anya making SHOCK FACE. "But--"
"Whyever would you assume that I would desire to partner with a commoner like you?" Anya lies unconvincingly. "You would be nothing but a burden to me. Besides, if I were to become your partner, I might catch your condition of Commoner's Bust." Wow, she really doesn't understand much about biology, does she?
"So then it's decided?" MeMe says hopefully.
"Yup. Glad to be your partner," Tsugumi says.
Then she feels a tug on her sleeve. Tsugumi turns around and Anya is there, looking tearfully angry.
Tsugumi's happy daydream of being fought over by boys crumbles around her as the chapter closes with her making ellipses like an old Soul Eater pro, caught between MeMe tugging on one arm while Anya grabs at her other arm.
To be continued next month!
And that was the first chapter of Not! I'm going to go ahead and say that I loved this, mostly because before I even read the chapter I wanted it to be exactly three things: Funny, entertaining, and focused on female characters who actually do things instead of standing around and crying while boys solve problems for them. You know, the exact three things that the main Soul Eater series has been sorely lacking lately. And I got exactly what I wanted, FUCK YEAH. All of the interesting worldbuilding in this first chapter was just bonus icing on the cake.
My only complaint so far is that MeMe's character appears to be a walking bundle of sexist bimbo fetishes, but seeing as how this is Soul Eater I'm sure she'll turn out to either be super-competent or some sort of savant battle genius, once we see her in action. Or at the very least she'll turn out to have some sort of talent that justified her admission into the school.
Anywhoo, I SUPPORT LEZYAY. EVERY SERIES IS BETTER WITH LEZYAY. Also girls kicking ass and taking names.
Definitely, definitely looking forward to more FUN TIMES WITH LEZYAY next month!
ETA: Unfortunately have to add a note about Tsugumi's name translation here. MS wrote "Tsugumi Halberd" in their translation of the chapter and that's pretty damn wrong. The main character's name is Tsugumi Harudori, period. Harudori is a pun on "halberd" if you speak Japanese (because harudori means "spring bird" and the Japanese word for halberd, harubaado, sounds like you're saying "haru bird" which would also mean "spring bird"). But just because it's a pun doesn't mean that it should literally be translated as "Halberd." Harudori is Harudori, period end of story.
CHAPTER ONE: MATRICULATION!
And the poor girl is still gasping on the stairs. "Huuuuuuh.... Huuuuuuuh..." Hello. I'm just a fourteen-year-old girl who likes romance and stuff, Harudori Tsugumi... Yep, that girl on the stairs is me...
Even the sun is exhausted by Tsugumi's ordeal. Beneath this blazing sun, in the middle of this vast desert, is one tiny little oasis... This is America all right. Specifically, the State of Nevada. Tsugumi gasps for air some more. Via Death Vegas I've come all the way here to Death City.
"Oasis," she gasps. "Some oasis this is! I'm dying of thirst already."
She goes on. "I knew that there was gonna be a long staircase in front of the school. The pamphlet even said that I was supposed to build up my leg strength before I got here. But I didn't think that I would come all the way here from Japan just to end up dying before I even reached the school!"
And while Tsugumi is busy having a combination stroke/pity-party on the stairs, all of a sudden, whoosh! There goes Maka running right by her, not even breaking a sweat.
Amazing! Tsugumi think-bubbles. She's running up these steps without even breathing hard...
Maka turns around and makes COURAGE FISTS at Tsugumi. "Just a little bit further!" Maka says. "You can do it!!"
Tsugumi stares at her.
"See you later!!" Maka says, and continues running.
"Th... Thank you very much," Tsugumi says. Then she stares up the stairs and ponders aloud, "I wonder if that girl was a student at this school...?" Just like I thought! This is a school for the world's heroes! Amazing people are just gonna keep appearing one after another!! "Wa---! She's so cool---!"
So Tsugumi immediately puts her hair up in ponytails, imitating Maka. "Just a little bit further! Yo~~~~shi!!"
And one blazing sun panel later, Tsugumi has made it! "My... My knees are screaming at me!" she says with a forced smile. "Hey, knees! You think this is funny? Even if my chopsticks year over you're still gonna laugh then? WA HA WA HA HA HA HA!"
Yeah, I think that somebody miiiiiiight be suffering from a bit of heatstroke. Also, because Tsugumi is incoherent she substituted the word hashi (chopsticks) for ashi (legs), and substituted the word otoshi (year) for another otoshi (fall over).
Anyway, Tsugumi's knees finally give out, and she faceplants right into the ground. "I MADE IT," she declares to the ground. I think I might have a bit of a "stair-climber's high" right now---...
Well that's one way of putting it.
Tsugumi lifts up her head and sees that somebody has left a can of Death Pepper and a note on the ground in front of her. "Soda and a letter?" she says, stating the obvious as she stands up and holds both in her hands.
The letter has a drawing of Maka's face. "This is from that senpai that spoke to me?"
And a message: " 'Welcome to Shibusen!! Now turn around!' Turn around?"
Tsugumi turns around.
Wow. Now that is a nicely photoshopped landscape.
Mom, Dad, Big brother, can you see this? This is Death City! "And this is..." The school that I will be attending from now on, Shinigami Buki Shokunin Senmon Gakkou: "Shibusen"!
So Tsugumi takes a huge gulp of her drink. And immediately starts flailing. "What kind of a weird flavor is this?! IT TASTES LIKE AMERICA---!!" I think I might be under a little bit more stress than usual right now.
Tsugumi walks into the school and looks around at the other students. She sees a boy talking to his shortsword. "We made a good combination, didn't we?" The sword answers back: "We sure did. I'm not going to forget about you easily."
"That weapon is talking..." Tsugumi says. "That weapon... Is a person..."
Then she starts scrambling for her pamphlet. "Um, um, pamphlet, pamphlet..."
Shinigami Buki Shokunin Senmon Gakkou, colloquially known as "Shibusen"---....
What, even the pamphlet abuses punctuation?
is supported by taxes from all over the world... This school is attended by both weapons and meisters, and responsible for protecting world peace. In other words--- It is a school for training heroes!
Oh, never mind. The next few pages make it clear that these boxes are Tsugumi's narration, not the text of the pamphlet itself. Which is disappointing because in my head I can totally imagine Shinigami-sama himself writing a pamphlet with text like this and it is glorious. Especially if some poor soul like Spirit had ever been stuck with the duty of attempting to edit this grammatically disasterous, bizzarely-punctuated drivel written by God Himself.
SPIRIT: You know you don't really need to have these random ellipses in the middle of your sentences, and this strange combination dot-dash thing is actually--
SHINIGAMI-SAMA: BUT I LIKE PERIODS! THEY'RE DOTS AND DOTS ARE PRETTY! THIS PAMPHLET NEEDS MORE PRETTY DOTS! Also squiggles are fucking badass I think I'm gonna stick some in the middle of this paragraph here.
SPIRIT: But this looks extremely unprofessional and--
SHINIGAMI: It looks awesome and nobody is going to want to come to our school if we make a boring pamphlet without pretty dots and squiggles anyway. Now print ten million copies of these and make sure that Kid never sees one because it will probably give him a stroke.
Anyway, back to more Tsugumi narration! Which unfortunately is not actually the text of a pamphlet written by a lunatic god. In other words, those trained at Shibusen are like international civil servants! I guess you could say that.
More narration. What they call "weapons" here are actually humans who can transform into weapons. And "meisters" are soldiers who use those weapons to fight...
"New students... This way..." Tsugumi reads a sign.
Popular weapons and meisters can even get sponsorship contracts and stuff! Cue a random panel of Kirikou mugging for the readers. "I'm only using the money from this to help develop my home country!" he assures us. Boy I sure hope that whatever brand he's endorsing doesn't use sweatshop labor or whatever. These aren't just the world's heroes, they're the world's heroes who can get wealth and honor!!
"Ummmm... Next... Turn right...? It's like a labyrinth in here... I'm gonna get lost..."
The truth is, I'm a weapon who can't transform yet. I haven't even managed to do it once...
In Japan, my friends at school were supportive...
"Harudori-san, you're going to Shibusen? That's awesome!"
"Y... Yeah..."
"This is your chance to live like a princess! You did it, Tsugumi!"
I heard that the ability to turn into a weapon is hereditary, but for me it felt like a random stroke of luck...
"I don't even have any guy-friends, so being treated like a princess would be..."
So many handsome guys would be competing for me all the time! "Will you do me the honor of being my partner?" Dream-Hunk Number One proposes to Tsugumi in her daydream. "No way, come an' fight with me!" Dream Hunk Number Two says.
And suddenly Tsugumi's wet dream is interrupted by a screaming ninja. "YOU'RE A HUNDRED YEARS TOO EARLY FOR ME!!" Black Star shouts, punching some random student so hard that he flies through the air at Tsugumi.
"I'M SORRY! I WAS DAYDREAMING TOO MUCH!! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!!"
"I'll kill you," Black Star says, glaring at her. Or not really at Tsugumi, but more like at whoever he just punched, although from Tsugumi's perspective it looks like he just threatened to kill her. Suddenly Black Star seems to realize that there's a girl in the path of his glare. "Oh hey, I ain't seen your face before! You new here? If you want my autograph I'll give ya one."
"EEEEEEEEK! I'M SORRY!!" Tsugumi runs away. I don't even have a fraction of a fighting ability like that!
And finally Tsugumi arrives at where she's supposed to be. "Welcome... New Students Reception. This is it!!"
Tsugumi enters the door. "Excuse me... I'm Harudori Tsugumi!"
"Are you a weapon or a meister?" Sid asks her.
"W... Weapon."
"All right. Put on this tag..."
Tsugumi looks around at the other students in the room. We have Moe Girl, Ojou-sama, Pouty Pretty-Face, and Kyouya Wannabe.
Tsugumi sticks on her nametag as a pair of students approach behind her. "Hey, hurry up," Meathead Student says. "It's gonna start."
"I know, I know," Meathead's partner says as he shoves Tsugumi out of his way.
Tsugumi stumbles and falls right into a pair of boobs that say "MEISTER" on them. In manga-land, THIS MEANS DESTINY.
So jealous... Tsugumi thinks as she falls. Oh my god. BRB, laughing forever at that.
"Good, it looks like we made it in time," Meathead's Partner comments, not even turning around to look at the girl that he just shoved. "Yup," Meathead agrees.
"I'm so sorry!" Tsugumi says as she climbs off the other girl. "Are you all right?"
"Y... Yes. Oh... My ribbon..."
"Here you go."
"Thank you!" Moe Girl ties her hair ribbon on top of her head.
"On top? Are you sure?" Tsugumi asks. "Didn't you have it tied on your left just a moment ago?"
"Oh, I did?" Moe Girls takes off her ribbon and re-ties it on the right side of her head. "Thank you very much!"
Tsugumi orally molests some ellipses. WELCOME TO HELL, TSUGUMI. I think you will find that abusing punctuation and being surrounded by idiots is par for the course in this manga.
"I'm Harudori Tsugumi," Tsugumi introduces herself.
"I... I forgot my name, but I'm very pleased to meet you!" Moe Girl says.
"You WHAT?!"
"Oh! It's MeMe. I just remembered."
"Well... Good for you..."
Meanwhile, Ojou-sama sighs and starts think-bubbling to herself. I ran away from my constrained life in that castle... And now even though I've entered the world of the common people... I may have made a terrible mistake. I applied to a convent but mistakenly enrolled in Shibusen instead... This 'special' school is nothing at all like what I imagined common life to be... I'm such a fool! There are far too many deranged characters among these students as well... What in the world am I doing here...?
Suddenly, Ojou-sama realizes that Tsugumi and MeMe are staring at her.
And as she stares at Tsugumi, she suddenly realizes. "There's a REAL commoner here!"
Oh my god, Tsugumi's face. Tsugumi bounces up and down obliviously while Ojou-sama think-bubbles, Wh... What... What in the world is wrong with this girl? I sense that there is nothing unusual about her. She has no special aura about her... But those pigtails... Is she wearing them merely as mimicry of someone else? The more that she makes that cute face, the more is just seems to bring out her boring normal-ness... Even if her act is forced, it certainly shows a strange political savvyness... I cannot help but think of her now as a "God of Commoners"!
Tsugumi realizes that she's being stared at. She looks back over at Ojou-sama, who immediately blushes and stutters, "This... This one... This is the one that I want..."
Tsugumi waves at her, apparently oblivious to what Ojou-sama just said. She's so beautiful, Tsugumi think-bubbles. She looks just like a real princess!
Ojou-sama pouts and turns her head away from Tsugumi.
Meanwhile, Sid is going to get things done! "So now that everyone's here, let's get started. I'm Sid, your instructor. You're here today so that I can finally see all of your faces for the first time. Today all of you weapons and meisters will also being pairing up and choosing your partners. However, choosing a partner is not a decision that you can make quickly. Please take your time to find a partner most compatabile to you."
"Pa... Pa..." Tsugumi stutters. "Partner?!"
"In the event that you are unable to decide upon a partner today, this weekend you will have the opportunity to do so during the 'Feeling Partner Game' that will be held concurrently with our weekly bingo tournament. By the way, that is also where I happened to have met my current partner." I assume he means at the "Feeling Partner Game", not at the bingo tournament. "Because that's the type of awkward man that I am." So maybe he did meet Nygus at the bingo tournament after all. Awesome.
"From this day forward we have a busy schedule planned for all of you. I am passing out printed copies of your schedule now; please take one and then pass the rest to the person behind you."
"Here you go," Tsugumi says, handing Ojou-sama a copy. Ojou-sama snatches it from her angrily.
Next! SUN, a panel informs us. But then we're back in the same classroom again? "That is all for today. You are dismissed."
As the other students leave, Sid suddenly looms over Tsugumi and comments ominously, "Those of you who were late today, be sure to make an effort to arrive in a more timely fashion tomorrow."
"Ooooo," Tsugumi says. Busted.
Outside of the classroom, Tsugumi sees Meathead and Partner walking in front of her. "So about partners..." Meathead says. "Watcha gonna do...?"
"I'm a weapon, so as long as I have a decent partner I don't really care, but... If my partner was a fellow dude, we'd have to live together in the boys' dormitory, you know? That's why a girl partner would be better. A girl partner would just be easier to handle, you know?"
Ugh, gross, Tsugumi thinks. I'd better be careful not to let myself get picked up by guys like that.
"Hey," Sexist Jerk says. "Check her out." He waves at MeMe. "Total hottie, and it looks like nobody's home. She'll be easy to seduce. Hi hi hi." Oh that's not a creepy giggle at all.
Jerkface approaches MeMe. "Hey, you're a meister, right? Wanna combinate with me?" Holy crap that is the WORST PICKUP LINE I HAVE EVER HEARD. "I may not look like it, but I'm actually a fuckin' amazing weapon!"
Suddenly Meathead spots Tsugumi glaring a them. "What're you lookin' at?"
"N... Nothing..."
So Tsugumi chickens out and runs away. Coward.
It's no use. I've been attending a normal school all my life... I thought that just by coming to Shibusen I would become a hero right away, but it's not like that at all... I'm sorry... MeMe-san... A real hero would...
Tsugumi stops running.
She remembers Maka.
"What would that senpai do?"
Well, the answer to that is obvious. So Tsugumi tightens up her pigtails and turns around, stomping back toward MeMe.
Jerkface has MeMe cornered and is leaning over her, leering at her. "Come on, it's no big deal. Let's combinate, baby."
Tsugumi dives in and grabs MeMe's hand, pulling her away. "Let's go!"
"Harudori-san...!"
Suddenly they're blocked by Meathead. Meathead squints down at Tsugumi and says, "He only invited her... We ain't interested in flat-chested girls."
Ojou-sama just happens to be walking by as Meathead continues. "No matter how much you grow up you ain't ever gonna have real boobs, are you?"
Ojou-sama think-bubbles, But those are Commoner-sized breasts. Common breasts! She jumps between Meathead and Tsugumi.
"Oh come on, what the hell's with you?" Meathead growls.
"We were just tryin' to invite her to partner with us," Jerkface says. "Get out of our way."
Ojou-sama places her hands on her hips. "You're animals," she declares.
"You tryin' to start a fight, bitch?!" Jerkface snarls. "This is Shibusen! You're way outta your league!"
"How very interesting," Ojou-sama says. "I accept your challenge."
"WH-WHAT?!" Tsugumi says.
"You said that your name was Harudori-san, correct? You are a weapon, aren't you? Please transform immediately."
"WH-WH-WHAAAAAT?!" Tsugumi says.
Ojou-sama takes off her "MEISTER" badge and flashes it at Tsugumi as if to say, this is what.
"Uh... But... I... I still can't transform yet."
Meanwhile, Pouty Pretty-Face and Kyouya Wannabe catch a glimpse of the brewing confrontation. "Hey," Pouty Pretty-Face says, stepping toward the others. But Kyouya Wannabe holds out his arm and holds the other boy back. "Let's just watch for now," he says.
Suddenly, Sid is there! "What now? Teen drama already? Well I that's just the type of school this is..."
"Shouldn't we stop them, Sid-sensei...?"
"I said, that's the type of school this is."
And then Jerkface transforms into a sword. Kind of. Not entirely. "HA, SUCK ON IT! I CAN ALREADY COMPLETELY TRANSFORM EVERY PART OF MYSELF 'CEPT FOR MY HEAD!!"
"That person just turned into a weapon!" Tsugumi exclaims. Well not entirely but okay close enough.
"You can do that too," Ojou-sama says, making with the epic eyeroll. "If you do not transform immediately then we will be defeated."
"But... I can't. It's not like I can do it all of a sudden just because you tell me to..."
Ojou-sama gives Tsugumi an EPIC GLARE. "I was always taught that commoners are supposed to be strong, hearty, burly people that know how to have fun and who have optimistic attitudes. But you're not like that at all. How very disappointing."
Tsugumi orally molests the ellipses of shame.
"VISUALIZE IT!" Sid suddenly shouts. "Visualize the sharp blade that's sleeping inside your soul! From this day forward you are a Shibusen student!! So fight!! Fight for the sake of the justice you believe in!!"
Tsugumi makes with the ellipses again. Visualize it...? "The blade that is sleeping inside of my soul," he said... But why did I come here in the first place...? That's right... I have to fight! Fight for the justice that I believe in!! I'm just a fourteen-year-old girl who likes romance and stuff, Harudori Tsugumi... And I'm a weapon!!
A page later, Ojou-sama is holding her new weapon. "I knew she could do it," Sid says.
Pretty-Face is trying in vain to see around Sid. "Sensei, please don't stand in front of--"
Kyouya Wannabe pushes Pretty-Face aside. "Oh... She's a halberd!"
"This is... me...?" Tsugumi says.
"HERE WE GO!" Ojou-sama says, charging at Meathead.
Aaaaaaand the fight is over with in ONE BLOW. Awesome.
"We got two injured people here," Sid tells the students who have gathered to watch. (Kim and Jackie are with them now!) "Somebody go to the nurse's office and tell Medusa-sensei to come here."
"Okay, I'm going," Pretty-Face volunteers.
Meanwhile, Tsugumi changes back into her human form. "Thank you, Harudori-san," MeMe says.
"No no," Tsugumi says, "I was the one getting rescued, too. The one that we really should thank is..." Tsugumi turns and looks at Ojou-sama expectantly.
"I am Anya," Anya finally says.
"THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH, ANYA-SAN!"
Then MeMe says, "Um... Harudori-san... I have a favor to ask you. I... I know that people say I'm stupid, and I lose my memories a lot, and I might cause you a lot of trouble, but, will you please be my partner?"
"Eh... me? If you really want me to, then I'd be happy to be your partner!" Then Tsugumi turns her head and sees Anya making SHOCK FACE. "But--"
"Whyever would you assume that I would desire to partner with a commoner like you?" Anya lies unconvincingly. "You would be nothing but a burden to me. Besides, if I were to become your partner, I might catch your condition of Commoner's Bust." Wow, she really doesn't understand much about biology, does she?
"So then it's decided?" MeMe says hopefully.
"Yup. Glad to be your partner," Tsugumi says.
Then she feels a tug on her sleeve. Tsugumi turns around and Anya is there, looking tearfully angry.
Tsugumi's happy daydream of being fought over by boys crumbles around her as the chapter closes with her making ellipses like an old Soul Eater pro, caught between MeMe tugging on one arm while Anya grabs at her other arm.
To be continued next month!
And that was the first chapter of Not! I'm going to go ahead and say that I loved this, mostly because before I even read the chapter I wanted it to be exactly three things: Funny, entertaining, and focused on female characters who actually do things instead of standing around and crying while boys solve problems for them. You know, the exact three things that the main Soul Eater series has been sorely lacking lately. And I got exactly what I wanted, FUCK YEAH. All of the interesting worldbuilding in this first chapter was just bonus icing on the cake.
My only complaint so far is that MeMe's character appears to be a walking bundle of sexist bimbo fetishes, but seeing as how this is Soul Eater I'm sure she'll turn out to either be super-competent or some sort of savant battle genius, once we see her in action. Or at the very least she'll turn out to have some sort of talent that justified her admission into the school.
Anywhoo, I SUPPORT LEZYAY. EVERY SERIES IS BETTER WITH LEZYAY. Also girls kicking ass and taking names.
Definitely, definitely looking forward to more FUN TIMES WITH LEZYAY next month!
ETA: Unfortunately have to add a note about Tsugumi's name translation here. MS wrote "Tsugumi Halberd" in their translation of the chapter and that's pretty damn wrong. The main character's name is Tsugumi Harudori, period. Harudori is a pun on "halberd" if you speak Japanese (because harudori means "spring bird" and the Japanese word for halberd, harubaado, sounds like you're saying "haru bird" which would also mean "spring bird"). But just because it's a pun doesn't mean that it should literally be translated as "Halberd." Harudori is Harudori, period end of story.
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