Soul Eater Chapter 65: I Wanna Be Your Bookmark, Baby

[nenena]

AND THIS MONTH'S CHAPTER OPENS WITH...

...ellipses.

Oh, fuck me.



"Oh, Maka Albarn..." Waffles says. "Such a pretty wavelength. The technician who already made her weapon a death scythe, the girl with the unrivaled soul perception ability... So this is why you're the target of Noah-sama's collection." Waffles bites his lip and puts on his scary face. "I HATE you!!"

To which Maka says, "Dude, WTF. You've never even met me before, and your soul is burning with murder. No seriously dude, WTF?"

"Here he comes," Soul warns Maka.

"DIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!" Oh man I love Waffles so, so much.

Maka easily dodges Waffles, however. Soul gloats. "Aw hells yeah we are so motherfucking fast right now."

Waffles glares at them. "I won't let you get away! All that Noah-sama wants is your soul, anyway! I don't need your meat, you stinking ape! You fucking bitch pig!!"

Whoa, DUDE!

Oh, Waffles. You are officially now the number one most psychotic character in this series. And here I thought Let's play Tetris with the corpses of your friends! was bad. Now he's just screaming obscenities and flying around like a maniac and being scary as shit, and yet this is still kind of awesome in its own very strange, strange way.

Anyway, Maka doesn't much like being called names, so she rears back her fist and hits Waffles with a most excellent falcon punch.

Unfortunately, Waffles is no kishin, so he bounces back immediately. Maka, however, has jumped off of Soul and switched him back to his sycthe form. She spins him in the air like a helicopter blade, aiming straight for Waffles. Waffles manages to repel Soul by folding his goo-wings around himself. (I think? Confusing artwork is confusing.) "Damn!" Maka says, hopping back onto Soul as she rallies again. "Those wings are hard!" But since she can't cut Waffles right away, she goes and does the next-best thing.

She rams Waffles in the stomach with the non-pointy end of Soul.

Waffles makes and epic 0.o face.

Maka pulls back and swings out Soul in his scythe form again. "Witch Hunter!!"

Waffles manages to shield himself again, but not without taking damage. "That was the right move, Maka," Soul reports. "I felt it. Another Witch Hunter should be able to cut right through him!"

Waffles is bleeding now. And pissed. "Now you've done it..." he hisses. "You cut me. You cut my body. How could such a disgusting bitch pig cut my beautiful body, that Noah-sama developed for me...? That someone so grotesque could be nominated to be a part of Noah-sama's collection... I... I..." His chest opens up again. "When will I ever be a bookmark in the collection?!?!" And then it's time for another Care Bear Stare. "NOAH-SAMAAAAAAAA!!"

Yeah okay he totally looks like he's orgasming right now. I love this guy!

Soul is like, "Hey Maka, let's not just sit here and let ourselves get blown up, 'kay?" Yep, still wearing the Captain Obvious hat.

Aaaaaand Waffles is still screaming his head off. "You fool!! What are you running away for?! You'll never escape my feelings for Noah-sama, so just become a part of the collection already!! You idiot... DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW BLESSED YOU ARE?!?!" Awesome.

Maka is flying away when she realizes that the... uh, the uh... the tummy-blob (okay, we'll call it that) isn't exactly headed straight for her. "Jiggawhut? It's a lot slower than it was last time oh no wait HOLY SHIT--"

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Awesome. It's like a heat-seeking missile this time around.

As Maka frantically dodges the relentless tummy-blob, Waffles gloats. "My tummy-blob is drawn to the object of my deepest hatred... It will follow you forever, even to the ends of the earth!"

I, uh... Okay. Deep breath. Okay.

Does anybody remember that 1980's-ish movie Fantastic Voyage? About those guys who were shrunk to microscopic size, and then got on a tiny spaceship to putz around inside the human body? And there was this one horrible, horrible, horrible scene where a white blood cell ruthlessly hunted down, captured, and then slowly dissolved this one dude's head while he was still alive and screaming for help?! Okay, I saw that movie when I was like, ten years old, and I literally could not sleep for weeks, that white blood cell scene scared me absolutely shitless. And now I'm looking at these pages with Maka trying to fly around and dodge that relentless giant white tummy-blob and I'm totally flashing back to Fantastic Voyage and aaaaaaah! Goddamit, Ohkubo!

UNINTENTIONAL NIGHTMARE FUEL IS STILL NIGHTMARE FUEL. Ladies and gentlemen, these are my Nightmare Fuel pages for the chapter.

Anyway, Soul, still wearing the Captain Obvious hat, tells Maka, "We can't run away from this thing forever, we have to do something!"

Okay now I'm going to skip some stuff because this tummy-blob thing is being drawn out too long, I'm getting bored, and the resolution is pretty much a foregone conclusion at this point. "Maka, what are you doing to do?" Soul asks. "Isn't it obvious, Captain Obvious?" Maka responds.

So she cuts the tummy-blob in half with a Demon Hunter.

Oh my god!!! Waffles!!!! Epic epic epic Waffles face!!!!!

brb laughing my ass off

Oh, Ohkubo!

But Maka isn't done yet. "Go go go!" Soul shouts at her. She slices clean through Waffles's wings, blasting them apart. Waffles is sent flying backwards, and he crashes into the side of a mountain. Humiliated and defeated, Waffles climbs up the side of the mountain, because... Well, I guess without his wrist-wings, his rocket boots don't work anymore? Okay.

"Maka, why did you hold back?" Soul asks.

"We can't kill him, Soul," Maka says. "He's not on Shinigami-sama's list."

Having escaped from Maka and Soul, Waffles pulls out a page from the Book of Eibon. "Damn... I was caught off-guard." How can I bear to face Noah-sama like this?! he think-bubbles. But I can't let myself get arrested here, either. That would ruin Noah-sama's plans. "No choice but to go back," Waffles says, as he pulls a Justin, sucking himself into the page.

Back to Captain Noah and the jolly crew of Team Failboat.

Waffles kneels in front of Noah, miserable and humiliated. Awwww, it's okay, Waffles-chan. You're way better-dressed that Noah is right now, anyway. Also, a better villain. We wuv joo!

"My deepest apologies, Noah-sama," Waffles says. "I had so much faith in the body that you developed for me. I was overconfident, and I let my guard down..."

"If you were defeated, then no matter," Noah says. "Unfortunately, this means that there are still insufficiencies in your abilities. However," Noah adds, "I would appreciate it if, in the future, you would not so carelessly repeat my name in front of our enemies."

Oh, man. Waffles didn't just say Noah's name, he screamed it at the top of his lungs, like, four times! That, and I swear that he mentioned "Noah-sama" at least twice per word bubble during that entire fight scene. Damn, Waffles! Way to blow your master's cover.

Then again, Liz and Patti already know Noah's name, and they already told like everybody, so whatever. Maybe Noah is too stupid to realize that. I mean, he's certainly too stupid to put a belt around the waist of his pants, where it's supposed to go.

"I-I'm so sorry!" Waffles grovels. "My feelings for you overwhelmed me, and--"

"You are a tool," Noah says, "And it would behoove you to remember that tools do not have feelings. Do not dare to be impertinent with me."

"...Yes," Waffles says. And now he's... Awwwwwwww! He's crying.

Don't cry, Waffles! Noah may be a creepy dick with (pedo) Shinigami fever, but fandom wuvs joo! We wuuuuuuvvvvs joo!

Also, Noah is a dick. On what planet does I was overwhelmed by love for you count as being impertinent?! "Get out of my sight," Noah says.

Waffles walks away, still crying. Hic-sob! Hic-sob! Hic-sob! Aw man, he's really breaking down.

But then he gets a hold of himself. And instead of being heartbroken, Waffles suddenly gets angry. Now Noah-sama hates me... And it's all HIS fault!

I'm not exactly sure about how Waffles managed that particular leap of logic, but okay!

Waffles bursts into a dungeon where Kid is being held because, oh holy shit Ohkubo, I can only think of ONE reason why Noah would keep Kid outside of the book instead of inside of the book, and half-naked and be-bondage'd to boot.

Kid grins at Waffles. "Nice face. Looks like somebody got his ass handed to him by Maka."

Waffles kicks Kid in the stomach. Then he pulls back his fist. "I'm not gonna hit your face, 'cause Noah-sama will kill me," he says. But still, although we don't see what happens at the end of this scene, the sound effects on the bottom of the page are telling. Kick! Punch! Slam!

Meh, Kid will be okay. Remember his introductory chapter, where he sat there and let that mummy beat him to a bloody pulp? And then that time that he asked Patti to slam his face directly into the center of the hull of that haunted ship? And then that one time that he was freaking out after having to turn left too many times, so Patti threw him at a wall just to make him feel better?

Yeah. So Kid is getting beaten to a bloody pulp again. Must be Tuesday.

Justin stands outside of Kid's prison, listening to Waffles scream and beat him. "Shinigami! You bastard! Shinigami!!"

Giriko approaches him. "Hey Justin, wanna see me have only one line this chapter?"

And Justin's like, hell noes, I don't even have a single line this time around, you bastard.

And I'm sitting here thinking, hey, Giriko is the only member of Team Failboat who hasn't done anything yet, so maybe he's next up to bat? Finally?! Unless Noah is going to send the Clown after Maka first.

Oh wait, guess who else has a grand total of one line this chapter?

"It's time, Crona," Medusa says.

Yeah, baby. Crona's back. But now the chapter is le finished.

Hokay, review time. Let's take stock of the way that this story arc is shaping up so far. In the villain's corner we have Team Failboat, who so far have demonstrated themselves to be armed with, in order of appearance:

1. Robot puppies.
2. A enchanted book that turns into a giant vagina dentata and eats children.
3. Ooey gooey hellworms.
4. An alcoholic chainsaw.
5. Killer waffles.
6. Rocket boots.
7. Tetsuya Nomura tied up and locked in a closet somewhere, being let out only to occassionally give them very, very bad fashion advice.

Oh and now they've got their hands on the most powerful weapon in the universe but pshaw, that totally doesn't count, as Captain Noah doesn't seem at all interested in actually, you know, using it. He'd apparently rather spend his time standing around and acting vaguely but ineffectually threatening. No seriously, the only thing that Noah has done since the moment that he promoted himself to archvillain has been to introduce official canon pedastry into this manga, and frankly, I would much rather have preferred more robot puppies over that.

Captain Noah is so much fail. He fails as a villain (so far), he fails as a car, he fails as a cookie, he even fails as a video game character.

Thank God for Waffles. Waffles has brought the epic crazy, the epic evil, the epic blatant homosexuality, and the epic facial distortions to a whole new level here. I still think he's doomed not to survive the end of the story arc, however.

So it's time for a little contest.

The Official Waffles the Cannon Fodder Bishounen Deathwatch Betting Pool

Or maybe not so much "betting pool" as it is "poll just for fun," as I wouldn't want any of y'all actually putting money in here. But, here are the rules! Comment here with "WAFFLES DEATHWATCH" in the subject of your comment so that I know that you're casting your vote. Your voting options are:

1. The Predictable
Waffles is killed by Maka and/or some other good guy character. Bonus points for predicting how many chapters from now (three, four, five, etc.) it will take before this happens.

2. The Starscream
Waffles fails to assasinate Maka again, and is in turn killed or turned back into a worm by Noah. Bonus points for predicting how many chapters from now.

3. The Mosquito
Waffles is WHOA HOLY SHIT!!! killed by some totally random character that nobody ever predicted would take a turn for the archvillainous. Either that, or he's killed by Crona and/or Medusa. Anyway, the point is - this is the WHOA HOLY SHIT!!! out-of-left-field SURPRISE!!! plot twist death. Bonus points - how many chapters from now?

4. The Groundhog Day (AKA "The Giriko")
Waffles defies all expectations and lives to see another story arc. So basically, he lives past the end of this story arc. I realize that defining something like "the end of this story arc" is kind of difficult, but... Fandom, I think we'll know it when we see it.



And that's it. Anybody who makes a correct prediction will not win any fabulous prizes, unfortunately. But you will have the epic satisfaction of knowing that you were right, and we will all bow down in awe of your incredible psychic powers!



* ~ Predictions Thus Far ~ *

tamad_kiesling: Starscream (or Mosquito).
bialleyhoos: Mosquito (killed by Justin), in 6-7 chapters.
darksyx: Starscream, in 6 chapters (give or take a chapter).
insanityin3d: Starscream (for abusing Kid), in 4-5 chapters.
lovegonnadrown: Mosquito, in 5 chapters.
chiisai_neko: Starscream, in 4 chapters.
wannabe_tenshi: No bet, but hopes for death in 4 chapters. ;)
kyrafawxe: Predictable, in 6-7 chapters.
wanderingdreamr: Starscream, in 6 chapters.
huggawugga2: Mosquito. ("Kid fulfills his promise he made in chap 63. Touch Maka, feel the wrath of her fanboy.")
ravyncat: Groundhog Day.
aiwatan: None of the above! Waffles will commit suicide when Noah is killed.
pachilove: The Mosquito, in 7 chapters. Plus another vote for possible suicide - either kamikaze attack or death by a broken heart.
lg55255525: Groundhog Day.
animeshen: Starscream, in 3-4 chapters. ("Waffles is teh banninated from fighting Maka but goes to do it anyhow to prove how useful and lovable he is, gets thrashed again, returns beaten a SECOND time and without permission, is thusly destroyed.")
darth_maivia: Combo Predictable/Mosquito, in a totally kickass scenario explained here.
devimelete: Groundhog Day.
alznthlay: Mosquito in 9-13 chapters (surprise!death when Waffles sacrifices himself to shield Noah from something).
amish_queen: Starscream.
sno_oki: Predictable, but hoping for a Mosquito.
elizlovesfrogs: Starscream, in 5 to 7 chapters.
lampazo_libre: Mosquito (killed by Justin or the Clown), in 5-6 chapters.
cykstar: Mosquito (possibly killed by Crona protecting Maka).
corinn: Suicide, in 13 chapters, either through despair (intentional suicide) or epic battle fail (unintentional suicide).
wispyhollow: Mosquito, in 9 chapters.
lmd_84: Predictable.


Oh, and by the way, this is what my flist looks like today:

:<    :<    :<    :<    :<    :<

I love this fandom.

Edited to add: So, uh, if anybody has access to this month's GanGan, would you mind sharing what the new tankobon cover looks like? I know that we're overdue for a Troika cover, but I suspect that we might get a Team Failboat cover instead. If that means that Giriko gets to be on a tankobon cover twice while Kid has only been on a cover once so far, then so be it. Aw hell yeah. Took long enough.